Angry all the time...
The song "Angry all the time" By Tim McGraw used to have, such a different meaning for me...then say it did this morning....it used to spark a feeling of, that's how it's going to end..because some where I picked up that I was just this ball of hate, for no particular reason other than I could be...
As I've done all this thinking, and coming to realization lately... how I feel the need to fight automatically, and to prove my self, stand my ground, and not appear weak..it's about seeming weak.. it's about being easily over taken, and vulnerable... I couldn't ever show that.. it was like a invitation to getting my ass handed to me. Be it emotionally or physically.. whatever...
But......I wasn't just angry all the time for no reason.. I was scared.. I was terrified of what happened if I relaxed or let go of any of that fear...and anger was the best defense I found..it worked...it kept me from breaking...it kept me in the ring with him...instead of so beneath him like I felt...
I didn't realize how important it was going to be..that my mate did not want me beneath him but beside him...I didn't think much of it when he first made it a statement, that he was strong about....even with my submissive behavior..I brushed it off as something to be respected but nothing that struck me...but it is so much important that I thought it would be......
I know why, but I don't know when... being girly or feeling girly things bothered me so much... I know when I started acknowledging girly moments and trying to be okay with them... but there's this period in between that... I worked, worked at submerging these girly feelings and things that made me think I looked girly..I had the stupidest, high school girl "girly" moment... yesterday.. during sex. cliche like hell... It had a long though process that originally did not start off on the department of being girly. A couple cuming at the same time.. I've heard that this can be a big deal to some couples.. and I never understood why.... So it started the thought process of.. maybe it's the physical.. not like 'physical connection' but response.. because I never expect the response I get, when that occurs between us...it heightens, intensifies, and leaves me breathless...I don't know if that's shared between male/female..but maybe that's why I feel it made me feel so girly to recognize this and think about it....it moved my thoughts to the emotional/mental side of the, self had conversation.... Part of my brain wanted to immediately get defensive and snarl it's just sex, and it was a fantastic orgasm, appreciate it for it is..was..but I know..that...it's not just sex...I don't know that I am capable of just 'sex', something always attaches emotionally to him during intimacy, and brings it beyond sex; even during a quickie.. which ugh that seems girly and sentimental too...and...this war of that's okay and no that's not okay occurs...
Skipping totally another direction...
WE had this conversation about discouraged...and defeat.... I did know what i was getting into when I made these decisions.. that in the long run these decisions would be best..and it would be a few hard months, vs possible a few hard years....so I could have surgery be down a year and not...be so concerned with what I wasn't doing.. though I am thinking it's going ot be harder than I originally thought...
especially this holiday... So many things I feel like I can't take care of.. Kind of also reminds me how much of a horrible person I was at time...making sure things got taken care of, and things I've done to make sure they did get taken of.
I've made sure that, I have none of that guilt on me, while he & I Have been together and that I changed that part of my life... because I didn't want that being a skeleton in our closet, or something between us, or something that would be guilt in general... it was for a long time..but... I also did what I had to...or what I felt I had to..to make sure that things were taken care of and....it doesn't matter now...because i'ts not occurring.. I'm not...that's not part of my life anymore...
Things like that, make me feel not good enough..but...he tells me 'my past is my past, as long as it's my past'... it makes me bitterly think that, yeah your past is your past, until someone finds out something that really rubs against them the wrong way about your past, then it becomes a window to the past from the future you sit..and that can be a dark sky on that horizon....
Ever think about how many songs you know, that hold something to your memory and heart..that if not for a person you care about, you'd never pay that song any mind..
I had 'leather" by Tori Amos, stuck in my head yesterday... I would have never listened to Tori Amos.. except I heard it so many times, I started singing along..then I started listening to the lyrics, then I started finding little things that caught me... I occasionally think about that concept when a song comes up that catches me off guard, when someone sings it around me... anyone...maybe it's just a product of stereotyping too much.
"I love you , but I'll leave you, I don't want you , but I need you"
Calm I have decided, I don't think suits me...I'm not sure if I like how it feels or not yet.. sometimes I enjoy it..sometimes it feels right and it feels incredible..and then sometimes I feel like I want to claw out of my skin and that somethings wrong that it's not right..but I realize that...Im safe and that there's nothing to worry for..and I maybe just...maybe Just don't know what to do with myself, I think that's the whole of it..some times I don't know what to do with how I am feeling..how i am feeling... Breaking habits...is really hard... changing how you respond to things is difficult as well.
As I've done all this thinking, and coming to realization lately... how I feel the need to fight automatically, and to prove my self, stand my ground, and not appear weak..it's about seeming weak.. it's about being easily over taken, and vulnerable... I couldn't ever show that.. it was like a invitation to getting my ass handed to me. Be it emotionally or physically.. whatever...
But......I wasn't just angry all the time for no reason.. I was scared.. I was terrified of what happened if I relaxed or let go of any of that fear...and anger was the best defense I found..it worked...it kept me from breaking...it kept me in the ring with him...instead of so beneath him like I felt...
I didn't realize how important it was going to be..that my mate did not want me beneath him but beside him...I didn't think much of it when he first made it a statement, that he was strong about....even with my submissive behavior..I brushed it off as something to be respected but nothing that struck me...but it is so much important that I thought it would be......
I know why, but I don't know when... being girly or feeling girly things bothered me so much... I know when I started acknowledging girly moments and trying to be okay with them... but there's this period in between that... I worked, worked at submerging these girly feelings and things that made me think I looked girly..I had the stupidest, high school girl "girly" moment... yesterday.. during sex. cliche like hell... It had a long though process that originally did not start off on the department of being girly. A couple cuming at the same time.. I've heard that this can be a big deal to some couples.. and I never understood why.... So it started the thought process of.. maybe it's the physical.. not like 'physical connection' but response.. because I never expect the response I get, when that occurs between us...it heightens, intensifies, and leaves me breathless...I don't know if that's shared between male/female..but maybe that's why I feel it made me feel so girly to recognize this and think about it....it moved my thoughts to the emotional/mental side of the, self had conversation.... Part of my brain wanted to immediately get defensive and snarl it's just sex, and it was a fantastic orgasm, appreciate it for it is..was..but I know..that...it's not just sex...I don't know that I am capable of just 'sex', something always attaches emotionally to him during intimacy, and brings it beyond sex; even during a quickie.. which ugh that seems girly and sentimental too...and...this war of that's okay and no that's not okay occurs...
Skipping totally another direction...
WE had this conversation about discouraged...and defeat.... I did know what i was getting into when I made these decisions.. that in the long run these decisions would be best..and it would be a few hard months, vs possible a few hard years....so I could have surgery be down a year and not...be so concerned with what I wasn't doing.. though I am thinking it's going ot be harder than I originally thought...
especially this holiday... So many things I feel like I can't take care of.. Kind of also reminds me how much of a horrible person I was at time...making sure things got taken care of, and things I've done to make sure they did get taken of.
I've made sure that, I have none of that guilt on me, while he & I Have been together and that I changed that part of my life... because I didn't want that being a skeleton in our closet, or something between us, or something that would be guilt in general... it was for a long time..but... I also did what I had to...or what I felt I had to..to make sure that things were taken care of and....it doesn't matter now...because i'ts not occurring.. I'm not...that's not part of my life anymore...
Things like that, make me feel not good enough..but...he tells me 'my past is my past, as long as it's my past'... it makes me bitterly think that, yeah your past is your past, until someone finds out something that really rubs against them the wrong way about your past, then it becomes a window to the past from the future you sit..and that can be a dark sky on that horizon....
Ever think about how many songs you know, that hold something to your memory and heart..that if not for a person you care about, you'd never pay that song any mind..
I had 'leather" by Tori Amos, stuck in my head yesterday... I would have never listened to Tori Amos.. except I heard it so many times, I started singing along..then I started listening to the lyrics, then I started finding little things that caught me... I occasionally think about that concept when a song comes up that catches me off guard, when someone sings it around me... anyone...maybe it's just a product of stereotyping too much.
"I love you , but I'll leave you, I don't want you , but I need you"
Calm I have decided, I don't think suits me...I'm not sure if I like how it feels or not yet.. sometimes I enjoy it..sometimes it feels right and it feels incredible..and then sometimes I feel like I want to claw out of my skin and that somethings wrong that it's not right..but I realize that...Im safe and that there's nothing to worry for..and I maybe just...maybe Just don't know what to do with myself, I think that's the whole of it..some times I don't know what to do with how I am feeling..how i am feeling... Breaking habits...is really hard... changing how you respond to things is difficult as well.