because its been so long...
i guess its been a long time since ive had anything to say. ive been in a mode of quiet contemplation. in that time ive realized that so much of my life needs fixing. i dont want to say changing, because for the most part everything is in order ,just in need of a fix up. its weird when you reach a point in your life when its do or die. i feel like ive been on a steady downward spiral and i let the people around me drag me down further. not my good friends, but more so people who ive built up in my mind. the people who fall short of being what i need, but i make excuses and fill in the voids where they are lacking. a perfect example is jonny, the man who is never there when i need him only there when he needs me, physically. for the past almost 2 years ive let him abuse me, demean me, belittle me, use me and i forgive him. when i think of how much pain and heartache i could have saved myself by just calling it quits when the relationship was over, i feel sick. but id rather not live with regrets, so im taking something from this. so heres the deal :
ive never been able to fully "give" myself to someone, because ive always held back in hopes that jonny would come around. so, after two years he hasnt. i could either keep holding on and feeling like shit, or i can let go and face my fear of being alone and losing jonny. ive chosen to let go. last night i deleted jonnys phone number from my phone and my mind. as ive come to find out, when it comes to jonny it has to be all or nothing. i choose nothing. i want nothing more from him. no calls, no hugs, no kisses, no sex...NOTHING. im quitting, cold turkey. i cant put myself through this. i want to look in the mirror and see someone im proud of, someone my little sister can look up to. for the first time, i woke up this morning and i wasnt afraid of the person staring back at me in the mirror. it was like an old friend i hadnt seen in two years staring at me. someone who didnt let one person dictate how she felt about herself. now, just because i deleted jonnys number doesnt mean he has deleted mine, so in comes step 2. im getting a new cell phone number, it may sound drastic but its necessary. i cant fully rely on myself to not call him, im gonna slip up. but at least this way, he cant call me. everything has to change. i dont want to go through another year of this shit.
so with that said, other things have to change as well. ive been working on the family thing for a few weeks now and this is what has come from it. tomorrow at 12:30, my dad is coming to pick me up to take me to his house for thanksgiving. thats right folks, my dad and i are back on track. after almost a year, i called and apologized. then he apologized. we talk AT LEAST every other day now. he knows about my dui, he knows how work is going, if i have a date, how the date went...he knows it all. i get to talk to my little brother and sister again, and i cant begin to tell you the overwhelming sense of joy i get from that. my mom and i are getting along great, i havent fought with my grandparents in a long time, in fact, today my grandpa bought me a garth brooks 6 disc cd set as an early xmas present because hes so proud of me and the changes im making. he said for the first time, hes finally recognizing that im an adult.
heres the part people will go either way on. the diet/exercise plan. i did start taking my old diet pills again, however this time in moderation. no more 2 before each meal, no more eating a bite or two and calling it quits. its 2 a day (morning/night), eating healthy and exercising.
the much awaited alcohol cutback. i did a wonderful job last weekend of not getting drunk, of only having 2 drinks both nights. i know its not much to brag about, but coming from this point of drinking as much as 15 drinks a night, dropping to 2 is amazing. it feels nice to remember things again. its also nice to have a thicker wallet. im not gonna go further into this, because im a bit scared i might slip up and i dont want to let myself down. so stay tuned for the update on that.
sorry this is so long but i have alot on my mind and this is the only place to get it out.
tonight i had a date. with an incredibly handsome boy. normally, handsome would be enough for me. not tonight, i looked for more. the FIRST thing i noticed when he picked me up is that he came to my door, and opened his truck door for me when we got to his truck. i never had to open my own door the entire night. thats very rare. from there we went to coldstone and when we were walkin down the street he held my hand. for once i felt like someone was proud to be with me, not ashamed or feeling like they have to hide it in case another girl came along. we talked, laughed...kissed. oh man, great kisser. anywho, we walked a movie together and then he took me home. he held my hand on the ride home and even leaned over to kiss me on the cheek a few times. i felt beautiful...not sexy, not like a piece of ass but like SOMEONE. when we got to my house he did the unthinkable...he walked me to my door. holy crap. im sold on this one. its funny because he calls when he says he will, is affectionate and i believe his word. so here i am inside, having just left him about25 minutes ago and i just got a text "goodnight beautiful"...heh, beautiful. in response i said "goodnight handsome, i had an amazing time tonight" normally that scares guys off, apparently i cant show feelings without sending them to the hills, so i nervously awaited a response and got "me too, cant wait to hang out with you again, call me tomorrow after dinner". wow, a nice guy. a nice handsome guy. did i mention a fireman?
wow i just got a boner thinking of how much better my life is with all these changes in effect...
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
thank you to my friends. natalie, amber, megan, dave, kristen, ashley...you guys have been my rocks. when i felt like everything around me was falling apart, i had you. steady and willing to help me, to listen to me and just to be great friends. without you, i dont think i would have come to this realization, or it would have taken alot longer. either way, im so thankful for you. tomorrow at my dads at dinner, when im asked what im thankful for...its you guys. my truly fucking amazing friends.i love you guys, and i look forward to the long years of friendship that lie before us. i hope that each of you find your happiness in life, the kind of happiness i get from knowing that you are in my life.
k, im done.
ive never been able to fully "give" myself to someone, because ive always held back in hopes that jonny would come around. so, after two years he hasnt. i could either keep holding on and feeling like shit, or i can let go and face my fear of being alone and losing jonny. ive chosen to let go. last night i deleted jonnys phone number from my phone and my mind. as ive come to find out, when it comes to jonny it has to be all or nothing. i choose nothing. i want nothing more from him. no calls, no hugs, no kisses, no sex...NOTHING. im quitting, cold turkey. i cant put myself through this. i want to look in the mirror and see someone im proud of, someone my little sister can look up to. for the first time, i woke up this morning and i wasnt afraid of the person staring back at me in the mirror. it was like an old friend i hadnt seen in two years staring at me. someone who didnt let one person dictate how she felt about herself. now, just because i deleted jonnys number doesnt mean he has deleted mine, so in comes step 2. im getting a new cell phone number, it may sound drastic but its necessary. i cant fully rely on myself to not call him, im gonna slip up. but at least this way, he cant call me. everything has to change. i dont want to go through another year of this shit.
so with that said, other things have to change as well. ive been working on the family thing for a few weeks now and this is what has come from it. tomorrow at 12:30, my dad is coming to pick me up to take me to his house for thanksgiving. thats right folks, my dad and i are back on track. after almost a year, i called and apologized. then he apologized. we talk AT LEAST every other day now. he knows about my dui, he knows how work is going, if i have a date, how the date went...he knows it all. i get to talk to my little brother and sister again, and i cant begin to tell you the overwhelming sense of joy i get from that. my mom and i are getting along great, i havent fought with my grandparents in a long time, in fact, today my grandpa bought me a garth brooks 6 disc cd set as an early xmas present because hes so proud of me and the changes im making. he said for the first time, hes finally recognizing that im an adult.
heres the part people will go either way on. the diet/exercise plan. i did start taking my old diet pills again, however this time in moderation. no more 2 before each meal, no more eating a bite or two and calling it quits. its 2 a day (morning/night), eating healthy and exercising.
the much awaited alcohol cutback. i did a wonderful job last weekend of not getting drunk, of only having 2 drinks both nights. i know its not much to brag about, but coming from this point of drinking as much as 15 drinks a night, dropping to 2 is amazing. it feels nice to remember things again. its also nice to have a thicker wallet. im not gonna go further into this, because im a bit scared i might slip up and i dont want to let myself down. so stay tuned for the update on that.
sorry this is so long but i have alot on my mind and this is the only place to get it out.
tonight i had a date. with an incredibly handsome boy. normally, handsome would be enough for me. not tonight, i looked for more. the FIRST thing i noticed when he picked me up is that he came to my door, and opened his truck door for me when we got to his truck. i never had to open my own door the entire night. thats very rare. from there we went to coldstone and when we were walkin down the street he held my hand. for once i felt like someone was proud to be with me, not ashamed or feeling like they have to hide it in case another girl came along. we talked, laughed...kissed. oh man, great kisser. anywho, we walked a movie together and then he took me home. he held my hand on the ride home and even leaned over to kiss me on the cheek a few times. i felt beautiful...not sexy, not like a piece of ass but like SOMEONE. when we got to my house he did the unthinkable...he walked me to my door. holy crap. im sold on this one. its funny because he calls when he says he will, is affectionate and i believe his word. so here i am inside, having just left him about25 minutes ago and i just got a text "goodnight beautiful"...heh, beautiful. in response i said "goodnight handsome, i had an amazing time tonight" normally that scares guys off, apparently i cant show feelings without sending them to the hills, so i nervously awaited a response and got "me too, cant wait to hang out with you again, call me tomorrow after dinner". wow, a nice guy. a nice handsome guy. did i mention a fireman?
wow i just got a boner thinking of how much better my life is with all these changes in effect...
LAST BUT NOT LEAST...
thank you to my friends. natalie, amber, megan, dave, kristen, ashley...you guys have been my rocks. when i felt like everything around me was falling apart, i had you. steady and willing to help me, to listen to me and just to be great friends. without you, i dont think i would have come to this realization, or it would have taken alot longer. either way, im so thankful for you. tomorrow at my dads at dinner, when im asked what im thankful for...its you guys. my truly fucking amazing friends.i love you guys, and i look forward to the long years of friendship that lie before us. i hope that each of you find your happiness in life, the kind of happiness i get from knowing that you are in my life.
k, im done.