In my own words.
I've seen the "Five Words" meme appear on other blogs, and despite my own curiousity, I'm reluctant to ask a couple of the people who've posted it to come up with five words that first come to mind in the rather unlikely event that they might think of me. I imagine they'd probably include slight variations of "vile", "disgusting", "delusional", "drama", "unstable", "bitch", "paranoid", "vindictive", or "passive-aggressive". And those people are as welcome to their opinion of me as I am to my opinion of them.
But I'd like to remind anyone who still reads this - and I don't know if anyone does - that there's much more good in me than there is bad.
I'm not unaware of the darker side of me, but recently I've allowed myself to embrace that part of me rather than be ashamed of it and futilely deny its existence. And through doing so, I'm able to love all that I am; and by letting those closest to me see and love all that I am, I am able to experience love (the giving, receiving and making) in its truest sense. So here are my words, chosen by me.
Fierce. I almost chose the word passionate instead, but it connotes an emotion that isn't really what I meant to say. Passion is always present; fierceness flares up as situations arise - like reactive passion, almost. My fierceness is almost always a reaction to a provokation, like a hornet's nest that's, for the most part, innocuous until poked.
I'm fiercely competitive, I would kill or die for my family, I'm fiercely protective of my children and I fiercely insist that they behave like good people, and I am fiercely loyal to people who consistently prove their loyalty to me. When I feel that I (or someone I love) have been attacked (and my interpretation of what constitutes an attack has often been questioned), I'll fight back fiercely. I'm not above bringing a gun to a knife fight. Piss me off, and I'm coming out, guns blazing, shooting first and asking questions later.
Perhaps a better word for me is Reactive. Meh, whatever.
Creative. Necessity is the mother of invention. When I was little, I never realized how poor my family was because my parents did a great job convincing my sister and me that whatever we could afford was just as good as what we couldn't afford. I grew up, not not having everything I needed, but not having a few of the things that I wanted. For example, I deperately wanted a dollhouse and I knew that my parents couldn't afford to buy me one, so I built a rather impressive one out of boxes and posterboard. I was really proud of it.
I'm grateful for my modest upbringing, and I feel that the modest upbringing I'm giving my kids is a tremendous blessing. As an adult, and especially as a parent, and especially of a parent in a one-income financially strained household, I've had countless opportunities to challenge my creativity. Our financial status often forces my imagination, and I'm glad I am, by nature, an extremely creative person and that my children think it's fun. Every day's an adventure. Especially those lean days right before the next paycheck when the kids want to go to a movie and I try to talk them into renting dvd's at the library instead.
Sensitive. Yes, I'm an extremely sensitive person, meaning that I can take things more personally than intended. On the flip side, I am sensitive to other people's emotions as well. I'm an extremely compassionate and empathetic person; to a fault, even. I've made myself sick worrying about the way different situations would affect my kids. Once I was late picking my then-kindergarten daughter up at the bus stop and the bus took her back to the school. I was panicked and crying, thinking she'd be feeling abandoned and terrified. When I got to the office, she was coloring happily and didn't want to leave.
I very rarely say no to someone who needs help. I'm a non-profit solicitor's wet dream: "Ma'am, can we count on your support to help the poor starving orphans and their three-legged puppies?" "Waaaah!! Here's my wallet! Take it all!"
When I worked full-time, I gave to charities, then we got to where we needed those charities' services, and now that I've seen where the money goes, I give even more now. And even when I couldn't give financially, I'd give things my family had outgrown. The only way I could overcome my own sentimental attachments to my kids' things was if I'd try to imagine the joy another mom might feel being able to give toys and semi-new clothes to their child. I still remember how it felt - simultaneously joyful and humbling - when I got a bag of clothes for my kids from our church's food pantry or baby items from Birthright.
That's why I believe so strongly in Karma. That's why I chose the name Penny Karma for myself - it's the whole have a penny, give a penny, need a penny, take a penny concept. If you help others when you can, help will be there for you when you need it.
Resilient. It's also the concept of Karma that allows me to be resilient. I've endured a shitload over the last few years. Read my other blog if you'd like the details, but if you read this blog you probably have a sense of how some of the events of the last year or so (and some as recently as this month's astounding revelation which I'm still processing) have affected me emotionally. And believe it or not, the part of Karma that I believe in the most isn't the part where bad shit's going to happen to the people who do bad shit to you; it's the part where I know I'm a good person, and that whatever I'm dealing with now will end and then the good things I deserve will come to me.
And it's a concious choice to see the good things that have yet to come rather than focusing on the bad that's right in front of you. That part's hard. But it's comforting to believe that the universe has both the ability and the cosmic obligation to right itself.
I've been drafting this entry for the last few days and I haven't been able to come up with a fifth word for myself. Actually, I've come up with several, and haven't been able to narrow it down to one. I may regret asking out loud, but - Any thoughts?
But I'd like to remind anyone who still reads this - and I don't know if anyone does - that there's much more good in me than there is bad.
I'm not unaware of the darker side of me, but recently I've allowed myself to embrace that part of me rather than be ashamed of it and futilely deny its existence. And through doing so, I'm able to love all that I am; and by letting those closest to me see and love all that I am, I am able to experience love (the giving, receiving and making) in its truest sense. So here are my words, chosen by me.
Fierce. I almost chose the word passionate instead, but it connotes an emotion that isn't really what I meant to say. Passion is always present; fierceness flares up as situations arise - like reactive passion, almost. My fierceness is almost always a reaction to a provokation, like a hornet's nest that's, for the most part, innocuous until poked.
I'm fiercely competitive, I would kill or die for my family, I'm fiercely protective of my children and I fiercely insist that they behave like good people, and I am fiercely loyal to people who consistently prove their loyalty to me. When I feel that I (or someone I love) have been attacked (and my interpretation of what constitutes an attack has often been questioned), I'll fight back fiercely. I'm not above bringing a gun to a knife fight. Piss me off, and I'm coming out, guns blazing, shooting first and asking questions later.
Perhaps a better word for me is Reactive. Meh, whatever.
Creative. Necessity is the mother of invention. When I was little, I never realized how poor my family was because my parents did a great job convincing my sister and me that whatever we could afford was just as good as what we couldn't afford. I grew up, not not having everything I needed, but not having a few of the things that I wanted. For example, I deperately wanted a dollhouse and I knew that my parents couldn't afford to buy me one, so I built a rather impressive one out of boxes and posterboard. I was really proud of it.
I'm grateful for my modest upbringing, and I feel that the modest upbringing I'm giving my kids is a tremendous blessing. As an adult, and especially as a parent, and especially of a parent in a one-income financially strained household, I've had countless opportunities to challenge my creativity. Our financial status often forces my imagination, and I'm glad I am, by nature, an extremely creative person and that my children think it's fun. Every day's an adventure. Especially those lean days right before the next paycheck when the kids want to go to a movie and I try to talk them into renting dvd's at the library instead.
Sensitive. Yes, I'm an extremely sensitive person, meaning that I can take things more personally than intended. On the flip side, I am sensitive to other people's emotions as well. I'm an extremely compassionate and empathetic person; to a fault, even. I've made myself sick worrying about the way different situations would affect my kids. Once I was late picking my then-kindergarten daughter up at the bus stop and the bus took her back to the school. I was panicked and crying, thinking she'd be feeling abandoned and terrified. When I got to the office, she was coloring happily and didn't want to leave.
I very rarely say no to someone who needs help. I'm a non-profit solicitor's wet dream: "Ma'am, can we count on your support to help the poor starving orphans and their three-legged puppies?" "Waaaah!! Here's my wallet! Take it all!"
When I worked full-time, I gave to charities, then we got to where we needed those charities' services, and now that I've seen where the money goes, I give even more now. And even when I couldn't give financially, I'd give things my family had outgrown. The only way I could overcome my own sentimental attachments to my kids' things was if I'd try to imagine the joy another mom might feel being able to give toys and semi-new clothes to their child. I still remember how it felt - simultaneously joyful and humbling - when I got a bag of clothes for my kids from our church's food pantry or baby items from Birthright.
That's why I believe so strongly in Karma. That's why I chose the name Penny Karma for myself - it's the whole have a penny, give a penny, need a penny, take a penny concept. If you help others when you can, help will be there for you when you need it.
Resilient. It's also the concept of Karma that allows me to be resilient. I've endured a shitload over the last few years. Read my other blog if you'd like the details, but if you read this blog you probably have a sense of how some of the events of the last year or so (and some as recently as this month's astounding revelation which I'm still processing) have affected me emotionally. And believe it or not, the part of Karma that I believe in the most isn't the part where bad shit's going to happen to the people who do bad shit to you; it's the part where I know I'm a good person, and that whatever I'm dealing with now will end and then the good things I deserve will come to me.
And it's a concious choice to see the good things that have yet to come rather than focusing on the bad that's right in front of you. That part's hard. But it's comforting to believe that the universe has both the ability and the cosmic obligation to right itself.
I've been drafting this entry for the last few days and I haven't been able to come up with a fifth word for myself. Actually, I've come up with several, and haven't been able to narrow it down to one. I may regret asking out loud, but - Any thoughts?