Theory of Cognitive Estrangement (A Community/BSG crossover for The Applecart)
"Theory of Cognitive Estrangement"
Rating: T (for "tame enough to air on network television")
A BSG/Community Crossover written for The Applecart challenge 011
General spoiler for, oddly enough, the movie Super 8
Story dedicated to sci_fi_shipper and workerbee73 'cause they're awesome and 'cause I know that they love Community (which makes them doubly awesome). Also, pressure's on now for that West Wing crossover, lady.
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Hallway outside the study room. Annie, Jeff, and Britta are waiting for Abed. Lee and Kara enter through the library’s front doors.
LEE
...I'm just saying, I have a college degree. I have ten world-class universities asking me to teach colonial law and culture.
KARA
Quit being such a damn snob, Apollo. We’re gonna broaden our horizons here, not reenact your valedictory address, memorable as it was when you called out the superintendent for lying about service requirements-
LEE
I mean, I get it, we landed here, we live here now. I just don’t see why we need to take classes-
JEFF
Oh, check it out, alien invasion. Hey, guys, welcome to Greendale. I’m Jeff Winger. We come in peace.
(He holds up his fingers in a mocking Star Trek salute.)
LEE
Hilarious every time. I guess you know who we are, so I’ll skip the intro. Could you just point us toward the registrar’s office?
ANNIE
Sure. As assistant co-chair of the student orientation committee, it’d be my pleasure to see you there personally.
KARA (to Jeff and Britta)
Is she for real? I’m asking ‘cause this guy’s kinda got a thing for do-gooders, and I like to stay ahead of the curve.
JEFF
She is for the realest. She’s also too young to purchase alcohol or ammunition, watch certain kinds of pornography, and, legally speaking, to understand the implications of why I’m sharing these facts with you.
ANNIE
What do you mean, Jeff? I’ve been purchasing my own bullets for years.
KARA
She’s a frakking prodigy. Down, Apollo.
ANNIE (claps her hands)
Oh, my God. I heard on the news that they say frakking instead of-
JEFF
Something else Annie is also not yet allowed to say.
ANNIE
-and that is just too adorable for words!
KARA
The registrar. Now.
BRITTA
Bad idea. Mrs. Kirschner has bikram yoga on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, and it always puts her in a terrible mood. If you don’t wait until after lunch, she’ll charge you double and lose the paperwork.
(Lee and Kara stare blankly.)
BRITTA
Yo-ga. It comes from India. Oh, you probably don’t have that either. Well, it’s a kind of exercise. No, God, sorry, that’s my white privilege talking. It’s a spiritually important form of energy alignment that’s been practiced in various southern Asian societies for millennia.
KARA (to Jeff)
See, the thing is that Apollo here also has a thing for defensive, well-intentioned blondes with emotional problems. And he’s been having a bit of a tough time since we arrived planetside. He’s a bad bet right now, in short. So if you like your friends here, you might wanna just point us on our way-
JEFF
Sorry, Starbuck. Everyone on Earth gets subjected to Britta’s brand of self-important racially conscious b.s. at one point or another.
BRITTA
I would think that, as they assimilate-I’m sorry, I mean, umm, exchange cultural knowledge with us in a non-hierarchical way-they’d want to be aware of racism. Not that I’m calling you two racist-
KARA
Yeah, OK. What’s racism, again?
ANNIE
It’s what your Gemenese people are going to be horrified, and later relieved, to realize has been their cross to bear throughout your history.
LEE
I swear it’s like you’ve learned nothing from watching TV in the last few months, Kara. Remember when we were watching The Green Mile? I mean, I know it’s too much to ask you to pick up a frakking newspaper-
ANNIE
Frakking! Still adorable. So what are you two thinking about taking, this semester?
KARA
Well. I was thinking about taking a life drawing class. And maybe one of those business management courses. I’m gonna start a gym and teach wilderness survival courses.
BRITTA
Creative and pragmatic. Right on, sister!
(KARA stares at Britta’s hand, raised for a high five, then shrugs and returns the gesture. And then smiles brightly, because it feels shockingly good.)
LEE
What? You didn’t tell me that was your plan.
KARA
Well, Major Jackass, you haven’t exactly been easy to talk to since we landed.
LEE
I’ve been kinda busy. Springing us-all of us-out of immigrant detention, meeting with officials of every godsdamned government on the planet, trying to figure out what form of chemotherapy Laura should be undergoing-
BRITTA
Mo’ civilization, mo’ problems, amiright?
ANNIE (trying to break the tension)
So what classes were you thinking about taking, Major Adama?
LEE
Globalization and International Development. Comparative Constitutional Law. And Management Development Training. I have this advocacy project-lobbying for colonial rights, you know, and I’m trying to get smarter about-
KARA
You’re supposed to be broadening your horizons. You’re stagnating. Remember what your dad said-
ABED turns the corner, his head cocked to the side. He’s whistling the theme from The X-Files.
ABED
Aha! I knew that was stuck in my head for a reason. You two must be Starbuck and Apollo. I saw you in Alien Nation: L.A.
KARA
Yeah, sorry about that.
LEE
I told you we shouldn’t get involved in Ellen’s reality TV career.
KARA
And I told you that rent costs money, Apollo. (She turns to Abed and extends her hand.) I’m Kara Thrace.
ABED
(stares at it, suddenly uncertain)
JEFF
Shake it, Abed. Squeeze it in your hand. Up and down. C’mon, we’ve been over this.
ABED
How do I know that they’re not like the alien in Super 8-
BRITTA
Spoiler alert-
ABED
-who wipes out a whole town just to get some extra pieces of tin foil? How do I know they’re not like the aliens in Terminator, who are just using Earth as a staging ground for their never-ending war-
JEFF
Those were robots, not aliens.
ANNIE
Ix-nay on the obots-ray, I think they’re still a little sensitive about the enocide-jay.
ABED
Or the aliens in Alien, or the aliens in Alien vs. Predator or-
LEE
We’re more like the aliens in E.T., except there’s no home to phone.
ANNIE
(clutches her hand to her heart again, looking stricken, as Kara scowls at her)
LEE
I’m Lee Adama, by the way.
ABED
I know who you are. Like I said. Apollo. Which raises all kinds of other questions. It’s bad enough that you arrived here able to speak English-and only English, which, of all the hundreds of commonly spoken languages here, is one of the newest. But tell me, how is it historically possible that your people came up with all the mythological references that white, English-speaking people on Earth tend to share?
KARA
Do you think it’s because of… er… ‘racism’?
ABED
Oh, yeah, it’s definitely racist. But the real question is whether it interferes too much with my suspension of disbelief for us to keep hanging out. Are you familiar with the theory of cognitive estrangement?
JEFF
And here you thought you weren’t going to learn anything in community college.
ABED
Cognitive estrangement is what you feel when something is familiar, but different enough that it puts what you already knew in a new light. Like how the fact that just about everyone in a position of power in our world is a man, and how our whole media culture is centered around treating women as objects of male sexual fantasy, makes you question your own relatively egalitarian gender norms.
JEFF
Or how finding out that Dean Pelton’s formal training was in dental hygiene made me rethink the value of a college degree.
BRITTA
Or how struggling coffee cooperatives in Guatemala make us rethink capitalist-
KARA
(cutting her off)
So we make you feel… cognitively estranged?
JEFF
I think I’m starting to have a thing for E.T.
ABED
Yeah, you two do. To say the least.
LEE
Back atcha.
KARA
Look, I appreciate the vocab lesson. But we could use some advice.
JEFF
Tell President Obama that you have a mystical glowing cube that will blow up New York City if you don’t get tax exemption, casino privileges, double votes in Congress, and land holdings equivalent in size to Missouri. But, you know, somewhere better than Missouri. And for God’s sake, don’t sign anything.
(Lee looks at him consideringly.)
KARA
No, I mean-about getting it right at Greendale.
BRITTA
Jeff only has two rules: no classes before 1 p.m. or that take attendance, and don’t park in the South Lot on Wednesdays.
LEE
Why-
BRITTA
You don’t want to know.
ANNIE
You’re forgetting about the sweater vest rule.
ABED
And the stonewash clause. And the qualifications for hand-raising exemption status. And the cafeteria conversation inclusion principle. And-
BRITTA
Two rules worth following.
JEFF
Look, if you need any help making friends around here, I’m very happy to help.
(He slides his card easily into Kara’s palm.)
LEE (to Kara)
You’re not falling for this, are you?
ABED
He has about an 82% success rate with new students. It’s a little lower with transfers, which I suppose technically includes the two of you, although I’m not sure if we’ll accept course credit from an unaccredited-
LEE
Caprica’s War College is not-
ANNIE
Aw, he’s just baiting you. Don’t be so frakking sensitive.
(She smiles, proud of herself, and pats his arm.)
LEE (to Kara)
Look, I know I haven’t been the easiest to talk to since we resettled here-
BRITTA
Oh, no, are you two having relationship troubles?
KARA
You’ve been impossible. Surly, restless, patronizing…
ABED
Whatever you decide, realize that it’s unconventional to take Britta’s advice. Particularly about relationship troubles. Actually, unless it involves sweater vests-
LEE
I’m just having a hard time reimagining my whole life, you know?
BRITTA
I’ve got an idea for an experiment. What if, just this once-
JEFF
We voted on it. No.
BRITTA
But-
JEFF
You always say you believe in the power of the people, Britta.
BRITTA
But-
JEFF
Occupy the study group if you’re mad about it.
BRITTA
You think I own't, but I swear I will occupy this study group as hard as the Cylons occupied New Capricorn.
ANNIE (winces, and opens her mouth to correct Britta, but lets Jeff wave her off)
KARA
Trust me, Apollo. We’re all having a hard time adjusting. But you seriously have gotta chill. I love you-
ANNIE (clutches her hand to her heart again)
Oh, my God-or should I say, gods?-she loves him!
ABED (fishes Raisinettes out of his backpack and leans back to watch)
Yeah, you couldn’t tell if she did on Alien Nation: L.A. Starbuck got the villain edit and Apollo was always monologuing about everyone’s perceived character flaws.
KARA
-but you’ve gotta talk to me. We’re off the Adama Grand Scheme script, now. That means we’re making it up.
LEE
That’s your wheelhouse, not mine.
KARA
Damn straight. So listen up. We are here. Greendale means new goals. New horizons.
ANNIE
You guys know that you don’t have to go Greendale just ‘cause you landed here, right? I mean, the Ivy League absorbs third-rate celebrities like you guys the way that Britta absorbs nutrients during her juice fasts-
BRITTA
-which is very quickly, ’cause I’m kind of a juice wizard.
LEE
Nah, she’s right. This is our next mountain to climb. Greendale.
(He reaches for Kara’s hand. She takes it, with deliberate casualness.)
KARA
Gods, I haven’t been in school in… too long. And to be honest, I did a fair amount of cheating last time I was.
JEFF
Are we talking borrow-notes-from-a-friend or seduce-the-professor-to-get-a-third-of-a-letter-grade?
BRITTA
Only a third?
(simultaneously as)
ANNIE
A whole third?
LEE
You guys don’t happen to know of any study groups or adult ed workshops?
ABED, ANNIE, BRITTA, and JEFF
Side bar.
(They huddle together.)
KARA
Cognitive estrangement?
LEE
Didn’t he say something has to seem familiar, first?
(They overhear snatches from the huddle)
ABED, ANNIE, BRITTA, and JEFF
…Shirley…try to convert… Pierce hates aliens… Troy… have to manage his night sweats… seriously, double tank tops?
(The group breaks huddle.)
JEFF
OK. Four’s a quorum--
ABED
And I get proxy voting for Troy.
ANNIE
And Pierce had his voting privileges revoked two years ago.
JEFF
--so we’re agreed. Your questionable fashion choices notwithstanding, would you like to join our study group?
ANNIE
We’re taking Intro to Nutrition Science this semester!
LEE
Sounds great.
(simultaneously as)
KARA
We don’t cook.
(Lee and Kara look at each other and start to laugh.)
LEE
Up for it, Lieutenant Slop?
KARA
Damn straight, Captain Trichonosis.
ABED
See, this is what I’m talking about. How do they have the same bacteria as us? With the same name? It really fraks with my sense of reality.
JEFF
Just give Abed a few weeks to retcon you into the group.
LEE
While you’re at it, there are a few other things that have happened to us that could use some retconning-
KARA
Not the time, Lee.
(Alex Osburne comes around the corner.)
ALEX
Starbuck and Apollo! I’ve been dying to meet you. Hey, are you guys taking classes here? You wanna join my study group?
KARA
No chance. But nice shave, Starburns.
ABED
See? It’s downright uncanny.
JEFF
Welcome to the study group, nuggets.
(He throws an arm around Lee and Kara’s shoulders, and they clasp hands behind his back as everyone recesses to the study room.)
ABED
Oh, well. They’re probably gonna come in handy next time paintball season rolls around. Actually, come to think of it, I'm worried this is all just an elaborate set-up for the next paintball episode.
TROY (sounding strained, from the study room)
Abed! Get in here and tell me how Predator survived against them before I drown in my own sweat!
(Abed shrugs, and begins humming The X Files theme again as he slips into the study room. Fade to black.)