Fic: (303): Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This fic makes me cackle with glee. I also have way too many headcanons and side stories that I should write down spent way too much time on. Although the Weed Bros might be deserving of their own fic.
For the proper headspace required of this fic, appropriate soundtrack music is required.
(303): Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The Hobbit (AU - Modern, sort of). Bilbo, Gandalf, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dwalin, Ori, Dori, Thorin, and mentions of the rest of The Company. PG-13. ~1,600 words. Bilbo wakes up and finds dwarves passed out all around his house.
Seriously though, the prompt was amazing as a prompt. hobbit_kink's got some of the best hatchers of hair-brained ideas.
Bilbo woke up suddenly and just knew it was way too early to be awake, and his mouth felt like he had eaten an entire bag of cotton balls. He looked blearily over at his alarm clock, which read 7:38am in unforgiving red numbers. Definitely too early to be awake. Trying to remember last night and drawing a complete blank, and Bilbo assumed it must have been a good night.
He stretched his arms above his head and was suddenly aware of the soreness of his ass and the heavy, almost satisfied feeling in his balls.
"A very good night, then," he mumbled happily to himself, throwing off the covers and dragging on the nearest shirt. Shuffling to the bathroom to take a piss, Bilbo inspected the truly impressive bruises under his boxers. Handprints he realized with a shiver. He hoped he had a number for whoever fucked him last night.
It's after flushing and turning to leave that he noticed the body in the bathtub.
A very dwarf body that he most certainly didn't recognize.
Bilbo opened his mouth and then closed it, totally confused. Gingerly, he leaned over and prodded the dwarf's shoulder, jumping back when it made the unconscious dwarf rumble something and shift around looking for a more comfortable position against the cold porcelain.
"Well, I know he's not dead," whispered Bilbo. He felt very self-conscious sneaking around his own hobbit-hole, but if there was one thing he learned from parties hosted by his Took cousins it's where there's one passed out dwarf, there were likely to be more. Lots more.
Back in his room, he grabbed his phone off his bed and sent a text to Gandalf.
Me, 7:44AM
GANDALF. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. AND WHY IS THERE A DWARF SLEEPING IN MY BATHTUB.
Bilbo could remember the beginning of the night, only so far as knowing Gandalf started it all. And was therefore clearly to blame. Reading over his texts to Gandalf from the previous night, didn't really clear anything up either. He transitioned from slightly hungover to way to early to be dealing with this shit to freaking pissed off in no time flat.
Me, 5:31AM
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket West Farthing). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover. Fucking auto-correct.
Me, 4:12AM
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Me, 4:10AM
I will refer to it as the penis of majesty... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours- and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle
Me, 10:46PM
I really don't like the sound of that.
Gandalf, 10:45PM
You shouldn't deny your Took side. That's what tonight is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Me, 10:43PM
Seriously though. I can't be having raucous parties anymore.
Me, 10:43PM
Adventure?! Please, no. I don't want adventure. All I want is to try and be a respectable hobbit. I'm an adult now.
Gandalf, 10:42PM
Invited some friends over to your place. Be prepared for adventure. It'll do you good and amuse me.
Gandalf, 10:42PM
We have plans tonight.
Now Bilbo really hoped he'd gotten Penis of Majesty's number, even if it had to come from Gandalf. And the shallow part of him hoped he wasn't the old dwarf with the gray beard in the tub. Phone in hand, Bilbo ventured out into the hallway to survey his home.
There was another dwarf with a relatively small beard curled up outside the door to the guest room. Bilbo watched his chest rise and fall to be sure of life before opening the door beside him. There were two more darves spooning in the smallish bed. He nearly fainted seeing the tattoos all over over the bigger one. If Gandalf had accidentally gotten him involved with gangmembers, Bilbo would break his favorite cane in two.
Three more dwarves were sprawled over the floor of the living room, the contents of what must be half his pantry scattered between them. He was in the middle of staring at the ax embedded in one of the dwarves' heads when he smelled bacon. Bilbo was completely convinced he was hallucinating the whole morning, but no, there in his kitchen was a short dwarf with a white beard tending to a pan full of sizzling bacon. There was one dwarf sprawled across three chairs and another sleeping curled up under his kitchen table.
"I, what-" Bilbo started, but couldn't even begin to think of just how finish that sentence.
The dwarf cooking bacon turned around and said, smiling, "Oh, you're an early riser too laddie? Good, good. You can help me get breakfast going before the lot of them wake up."
"Are you cooking all the bacon from my pantry?" Bilbo asked stupidly, not sure the headache building behind his eyes had anything to do with a hangover.
"Aye, and luckily Bombur went home. Otherwise we'd be clearing out your pantry," the dwarf said, his beard bobbing. "And thank you kindly for your hospitality. Better sleep it off here than stumble drunkenly home in the dead of night."
"You're very welcome," said Bilbo, who was nothing if not unfailingly polite. Even faced with an invsaion of too many dwarves in his hobbit-hole. Retreating again to the hallway he texted Gandalf again.
Me, 8:00AM
WHY ARE THERE TEN DWARVES IN MY HOUSE GANDALF.
It's not capslock abuse if it's justified. And Gandalf, finally, replied.
Gandalf, 8:01AM
There were certainly all thirteen there when I excused myself.
"THIRTEEN?" shouted Bilbo at his phone, which buzzed with another text.
Gandfalf, 8:01AM
What blackout!drunk you does is really none of my business ;)
The only awake dwarf stuck his head around the corner from the kitchen. "Are you alright laddie?" he asked, which Bilbo ignored in favor of trying to convey his wrath in text-form.
Me, 8:03AM
YOU MEAN THERE ARE MORE?! FUCK YOU GANDALF. EXPLAIN. RIGHT NOW.
He could hear more voices from the kitchen, and went to hopefully find someone knew what the hell was going on.
"Who's yelling?"
"Shut up. Stop being so loud."
The two young dwarves from under the kitchen table were awake, faces scrunched and rubbing at their eyes.
"Ah, Fili! Kili! Get up and get the table sorted. There's no way we'll fit everyone as it stands."
"But Balin!" whined the dark-haired dwarf, still lying on the floor. The blond dwarf grabbed pulled him up by his coat.
"Come on Kili, be a good boy now," he said.
They shared a smile and before Bilbo knew what was happening, they were making out on top of the table.
"Boys! Not on Mister Bilbo's table," admonished Balin, shaking his head fondly. Bilbo could only stare at them, feeling uncomfortably flush.
"But there was too much whiskey dick happening last night. We have so much sex to catch up on," said Kili from his position on the table.
"You'll have plenty of time for that later. Now go get more chairs."
As they passed Bilbo, he got a wink, a quick grope and, "It's too bad Uncle Thorin doesn't like sharing," whispered in his ear.
Bilbo hadn't felt so paralyzed with sexual attraction since his tweens. How embarrassing it all was.
"Don't mind the boys, Bilbo," said Balin, plating up the bacon.
Suddenly there was a loud crash and a door slamming. Bilbo and Balin rushed through the living room just in time to see a very large, tattooed dwarf, naked except for his heavy motorcycle boots rushing out the front door.
"Ori! I'll call you!" he yelled behind him as he ran.
"Come back here, Dwalin! Running out after deflowering my baby brother! The nerve," shouted the dwarf Bilbo recognized from the hallway as he chased after the tall dwarf.
Balin chuckled and headed back to the kitchen, leaving Bilbo in the entrance way with another young dwarf, who looked extremely pleased with himself.
Fili and Kili came down the hall carrying various chairs, wearing identical grins.
"Get it, Ori," leered Kili.
Ori smiled and shrugged, accepting a first-bump from Fili, "About time Dwalin tapped this. And now he gets to deal with Dori by himself, without me running interference for a change." He turned and headed back into the guest room to put on some clothes. Or at least Bilbo hoped he'd be putting on clothes.
All alone in the the entrance way, Bilbo was composing another angry text to Gandalf when a warm body pressed in close against his back and a bearded face nuzzled his neck. While not completely unpleasant, Bilbo refused to be made weak in the knees by a complete stranger. Turning around he fully intended to start an interrogation of what this person's intentions were and how they knew each other, but that was shot straight to hell as a warm mouth descended on his. The kiss was short, but left Bilbo reeling and looking up into the bluest eyes he thought he'd ever seen in the face of yet another dwarf.
"Here, I slipped out for coffee," said the dwarf pushing a to-go cup into his hands.
"I. What. Not that this isn't appreciated, but who the hell are you?" Bilbo asked, finally managing a coherent sentence.
The dwarf chuckled, a low, rumbling sound, and leaned down to whisper into Bilbo's ear, "I think you called me The Penis of Majesty sometime last night?"
Bilbo could feel his entire face flush. The dwarf leaned away and eyed him up and down.
"I like seeing you in my undershirt," he said, reaching out a hand and resting it on the small of Bilbo's back, making Bilbo feel very warm and shivery all at once.
"Thorin! There you are. Come on you two, breakfast is ready," Balin called out from the kitchen doorway.
Bilbo trailed dazedly after Thorin. Even if he didn't remember last night, it really only meant tonight would be like the first time all over again, which was a thought Bilbo could definitely live with.
For the proper headspace required of this fic, appropriate soundtrack music is required.
(303): Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The Hobbit (AU - Modern, sort of). Bilbo, Gandalf, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dwalin, Ori, Dori, Thorin, and mentions of the rest of The Company. PG-13. ~1,600 words. Bilbo wakes up and finds dwarves passed out all around his house.
Seriously though, the prompt was amazing as a prompt. hobbit_kink's got some of the best hatchers of hair-brained ideas.
Bilbo woke up suddenly and just knew it was way too early to be awake, and his mouth felt like he had eaten an entire bag of cotton balls. He looked blearily over at his alarm clock, which read 7:38am in unforgiving red numbers. Definitely too early to be awake. Trying to remember last night and drawing a complete blank, and Bilbo assumed it must have been a good night.
He stretched his arms above his head and was suddenly aware of the soreness of his ass and the heavy, almost satisfied feeling in his balls.
"A very good night, then," he mumbled happily to himself, throwing off the covers and dragging on the nearest shirt. Shuffling to the bathroom to take a piss, Bilbo inspected the truly impressive bruises under his boxers. Handprints he realized with a shiver. He hoped he had a number for whoever fucked him last night.
It's after flushing and turning to leave that he noticed the body in the bathtub.
A very dwarf body that he most certainly didn't recognize.
Bilbo opened his mouth and then closed it, totally confused. Gingerly, he leaned over and prodded the dwarf's shoulder, jumping back when it made the unconscious dwarf rumble something and shift around looking for a more comfortable position against the cold porcelain.
"Well, I know he's not dead," whispered Bilbo. He felt very self-conscious sneaking around his own hobbit-hole, but if there was one thing he learned from parties hosted by his Took cousins it's where there's one passed out dwarf, there were likely to be more. Lots more.
Back in his room, he grabbed his phone off his bed and sent a text to Gandalf.
Me, 7:44AM
GANDALF. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. AND WHY IS THERE A DWARF SLEEPING IN MY BATHTUB.
Bilbo could remember the beginning of the night, only so far as knowing Gandalf started it all. And was therefore clearly to blame. Reading over his texts to Gandalf from the previous night, didn't really clear anything up either. He transitioned from slightly hungover to way to early to be dealing with this shit to freaking pissed off in no time flat.
Me, 5:31AM
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket West Farthing). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover. Fucking auto-correct.
Me, 4:12AM
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Me, 4:10AM
I will refer to it as the penis of majesty... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours- and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle
Me, 10:46PM
I really don't like the sound of that.
Gandalf, 10:45PM
You shouldn't deny your Took side. That's what tonight is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Me, 10:43PM
Seriously though. I can't be having raucous parties anymore.
Me, 10:43PM
Adventure?! Please, no. I don't want adventure. All I want is to try and be a respectable hobbit. I'm an adult now.
Gandalf, 10:42PM
Invited some friends over to your place. Be prepared for adventure. It'll do you good and amuse me.
Gandalf, 10:42PM
We have plans tonight.
Now Bilbo really hoped he'd gotten Penis of Majesty's number, even if it had to come from Gandalf. And the shallow part of him hoped he wasn't the old dwarf with the gray beard in the tub. Phone in hand, Bilbo ventured out into the hallway to survey his home.
There was another dwarf with a relatively small beard curled up outside the door to the guest room. Bilbo watched his chest rise and fall to be sure of life before opening the door beside him. There were two more darves spooning in the smallish bed. He nearly fainted seeing the tattoos all over over the bigger one. If Gandalf had accidentally gotten him involved with gangmembers, Bilbo would break his favorite cane in two.
Three more dwarves were sprawled over the floor of the living room, the contents of what must be half his pantry scattered between them. He was in the middle of staring at the ax embedded in one of the dwarves' heads when he smelled bacon. Bilbo was completely convinced he was hallucinating the whole morning, but no, there in his kitchen was a short dwarf with a white beard tending to a pan full of sizzling bacon. There was one dwarf sprawled across three chairs and another sleeping curled up under his kitchen table.
"I, what-" Bilbo started, but couldn't even begin to think of just how finish that sentence.
The dwarf cooking bacon turned around and said, smiling, "Oh, you're an early riser too laddie? Good, good. You can help me get breakfast going before the lot of them wake up."
"Are you cooking all the bacon from my pantry?" Bilbo asked stupidly, not sure the headache building behind his eyes had anything to do with a hangover.
"Aye, and luckily Bombur went home. Otherwise we'd be clearing out your pantry," the dwarf said, his beard bobbing. "And thank you kindly for your hospitality. Better sleep it off here than stumble drunkenly home in the dead of night."
"You're very welcome," said Bilbo, who was nothing if not unfailingly polite. Even faced with an invsaion of too many dwarves in his hobbit-hole. Retreating again to the hallway he texted Gandalf again.
Me, 8:00AM
WHY ARE THERE TEN DWARVES IN MY HOUSE GANDALF.
It's not capslock abuse if it's justified. And Gandalf, finally, replied.
Gandalf, 8:01AM
There were certainly all thirteen there when I excused myself.
"THIRTEEN?" shouted Bilbo at his phone, which buzzed with another text.
Gandfalf, 8:01AM
What blackout!drunk you does is really none of my business ;)
The only awake dwarf stuck his head around the corner from the kitchen. "Are you alright laddie?" he asked, which Bilbo ignored in favor of trying to convey his wrath in text-form.
Me, 8:03AM
YOU MEAN THERE ARE MORE?! FUCK YOU GANDALF. EXPLAIN. RIGHT NOW.
He could hear more voices from the kitchen, and went to hopefully find someone knew what the hell was going on.
"Who's yelling?"
"Shut up. Stop being so loud."
The two young dwarves from under the kitchen table were awake, faces scrunched and rubbing at their eyes.
"Ah, Fili! Kili! Get up and get the table sorted. There's no way we'll fit everyone as it stands."
"But Balin!" whined the dark-haired dwarf, still lying on the floor. The blond dwarf grabbed pulled him up by his coat.
"Come on Kili, be a good boy now," he said.
They shared a smile and before Bilbo knew what was happening, they were making out on top of the table.
"Boys! Not on Mister Bilbo's table," admonished Balin, shaking his head fondly. Bilbo could only stare at them, feeling uncomfortably flush.
"But there was too much whiskey dick happening last night. We have so much sex to catch up on," said Kili from his position on the table.
"You'll have plenty of time for that later. Now go get more chairs."
As they passed Bilbo, he got a wink, a quick grope and, "It's too bad Uncle Thorin doesn't like sharing," whispered in his ear.
Bilbo hadn't felt so paralyzed with sexual attraction since his tweens. How embarrassing it all was.
"Don't mind the boys, Bilbo," said Balin, plating up the bacon.
Suddenly there was a loud crash and a door slamming. Bilbo and Balin rushed through the living room just in time to see a very large, tattooed dwarf, naked except for his heavy motorcycle boots rushing out the front door.
"Ori! I'll call you!" he yelled behind him as he ran.
"Come back here, Dwalin! Running out after deflowering my baby brother! The nerve," shouted the dwarf Bilbo recognized from the hallway as he chased after the tall dwarf.
Balin chuckled and headed back to the kitchen, leaving Bilbo in the entrance way with another young dwarf, who looked extremely pleased with himself.
Fili and Kili came down the hall carrying various chairs, wearing identical grins.
"Get it, Ori," leered Kili.
Ori smiled and shrugged, accepting a first-bump from Fili, "About time Dwalin tapped this. And now he gets to deal with Dori by himself, without me running interference for a change." He turned and headed back into the guest room to put on some clothes. Or at least Bilbo hoped he'd be putting on clothes.
All alone in the the entrance way, Bilbo was composing another angry text to Gandalf when a warm body pressed in close against his back and a bearded face nuzzled his neck. While not completely unpleasant, Bilbo refused to be made weak in the knees by a complete stranger. Turning around he fully intended to start an interrogation of what this person's intentions were and how they knew each other, but that was shot straight to hell as a warm mouth descended on his. The kiss was short, but left Bilbo reeling and looking up into the bluest eyes he thought he'd ever seen in the face of yet another dwarf.
"Here, I slipped out for coffee," said the dwarf pushing a to-go cup into his hands.
"I. What. Not that this isn't appreciated, but who the hell are you?" Bilbo asked, finally managing a coherent sentence.
The dwarf chuckled, a low, rumbling sound, and leaned down to whisper into Bilbo's ear, "I think you called me The Penis of Majesty sometime last night?"
Bilbo could feel his entire face flush. The dwarf leaned away and eyed him up and down.
"I like seeing you in my undershirt," he said, reaching out a hand and resting it on the small of Bilbo's back, making Bilbo feel very warm and shivery all at once.
"Thorin! There you are. Come on you two, breakfast is ready," Balin called out from the kitchen doorway.
Bilbo trailed dazedly after Thorin. Even if he didn't remember last night, it really only meant tonight would be like the first time all over again, which was a thought Bilbo could definitely live with.