Wow I'm a baby
Please forgive me for this rant/whine, but I really need to get it out.
Ok, so I'm pretty much just terrified of becoming an adult. I've been back from Ireland for 16 days now, and I'd give anything to just start the last year over. I'm now a semester behind in course work (all it'll take is one winter session and perhaps an online class or two and I'll be fine, so I'm not concerned about four extra classes over the course of two years, but still), an extra $8000 in debt, and wondering why I do the things I do. I've been so selfish with my time, my studying, my emotions, and my relationships. I've very clearly put John ahead of my education at times, and I know that this can't happen anymore.
I get so scared of the thought of real adulthood.
I've cried after seeing commercials for home loans (what if I never have a good enough job to be able to even pay rent and my student loans, let alone buy a house?), Hamburger Helper (what if I can't afford food?), student loan companies (if you include the coming year's loan amounts, I'm currently about $27,000 in debt already, and this terrifies me now that I'm 98% sure that I'm not going into law as a profession), and those "save the children" ads (not only are they so sad, but I wonder how I'm supposed to help others when I'm so terrified of helping myself), so it's been a really rough two weeks. I mean, just when I think that I've found a career path that I could really enjoy, I start thinking of what kind of salary it will pay and if I'll ever be able to function with bills to pay and no one there to catch me if I fall. I get this dose of "reality," these screaming thoughts about how hard my life could be and how miserable I could become if I let myself. When I try to comfort myself by thinking of my future with John, and the knowledge that he'll be there to help me through, I get bombarded with worries about his immigration. How will we support ourselves if we're both in graduate school? Will he ever have a church of his own, or will we just always be living on my wages primarily? What if we're just always flat ass broke? Even though I'm ashamed to admit it, I like high speed internet and cable, and don't really look forward to a possible life without these comforts. I sometimes wonder if living in the dorms has hurt me more than helped me, but I wouldn't give up time with the Sarahs, Martha, Anna, Jei, Sam, Christian, Ashley, and all the other drop-ins, new IWLCers, and annoying Bs, for anything. Do I seem like a mess, because sometimes I really feel like one.
I know that if I'd just let my worries go and have faith that God will always have me in His arms, then I'd feel a lot better. I used to think that trying to "give up my worries" (damn church jargon) was just a way for me to avoid my problems and not face reality, but the more I see God working in the lives of others when they just say "ok Lord, this is all up to you," the more I'm convinced that there's more for me than just a life of constant freaking out. My problem is that when I start to let go just a little, this part of my brain clicks off and tells me that I'm being silly and that I need to face all of my issues at once or else I'll never be anything. This has led me to constant crying, regular regret, and other assorted alliterations. The more I try to get myself involved in the things I love, the more I guilt myself about about not working at the moment.
Not having a job has been really difficult, but I'll hopefully have something in the next week or so and will be able to make what I need to pay for school this year. What's odd is that I don't feel unproductive. I mean, I'm a full-time intern for Obama and work with four of the most attractive men I've ever seen in my life, all of whom hug me every time I offer to do data entry or help with canvassing (spelling?), am writing for my local newspaper regularly and getting paid a little to do so, spending ample time in prayer and studying the Bible and various other religiously-based books (even if you're not a Christian, you should totally read Sex God by Rob Bell- it's freaking amazing), and trying to be a good daughter and sister. Yes, I'd like to earn about $2000 this summer, and yes I know that having a paying job will make me feel a little less worried about being adult-like, but since I've applied to 23 places and had no positive responses yet, it isn't as though I didn't try.
I miss John, but sometimes I wonder if I'm too dependent on him. I don't know if I can handle three more years of being 4000 miles apart. Neither of us like this at all anymore, not that we were crazy about it before, and there's so my pressure from our families to figure out where we're gonna live, what careers we want to pursue, and when the wedding is going to be, that sometimes it seems like taking a break until we're both done with school might just be easier on both of us. I don't want to end what we have, and I don't think he does either, but this is just so hard sometimes. I don't know what to do, but I'll pray about it and actually give it some thought before I do anything. I love him, I really do, but who knows what the future will bring?
Ok, I'm done. Feel free to comment. In fact, please do. I'd really appreciate some advice or just general "you crazy" fodder.
Ok, so I'm pretty much just terrified of becoming an adult. I've been back from Ireland for 16 days now, and I'd give anything to just start the last year over. I'm now a semester behind in course work (all it'll take is one winter session and perhaps an online class or two and I'll be fine, so I'm not concerned about four extra classes over the course of two years, but still), an extra $8000 in debt, and wondering why I do the things I do. I've been so selfish with my time, my studying, my emotions, and my relationships. I've very clearly put John ahead of my education at times, and I know that this can't happen anymore.
I get so scared of the thought of real adulthood.
I've cried after seeing commercials for home loans (what if I never have a good enough job to be able to even pay rent and my student loans, let alone buy a house?), Hamburger Helper (what if I can't afford food?), student loan companies (if you include the coming year's loan amounts, I'm currently about $27,000 in debt already, and this terrifies me now that I'm 98% sure that I'm not going into law as a profession), and those "save the children" ads (not only are they so sad, but I wonder how I'm supposed to help others when I'm so terrified of helping myself), so it's been a really rough two weeks. I mean, just when I think that I've found a career path that I could really enjoy, I start thinking of what kind of salary it will pay and if I'll ever be able to function with bills to pay and no one there to catch me if I fall. I get this dose of "reality," these screaming thoughts about how hard my life could be and how miserable I could become if I let myself. When I try to comfort myself by thinking of my future with John, and the knowledge that he'll be there to help me through, I get bombarded with worries about his immigration. How will we support ourselves if we're both in graduate school? Will he ever have a church of his own, or will we just always be living on my wages primarily? What if we're just always flat ass broke? Even though I'm ashamed to admit it, I like high speed internet and cable, and don't really look forward to a possible life without these comforts. I sometimes wonder if living in the dorms has hurt me more than helped me, but I wouldn't give up time with the Sarahs, Martha, Anna, Jei, Sam, Christian, Ashley, and all the other drop-ins, new IWLCers, and annoying Bs, for anything. Do I seem like a mess, because sometimes I really feel like one.
I know that if I'd just let my worries go and have faith that God will always have me in His arms, then I'd feel a lot better. I used to think that trying to "give up my worries" (damn church jargon) was just a way for me to avoid my problems and not face reality, but the more I see God working in the lives of others when they just say "ok Lord, this is all up to you," the more I'm convinced that there's more for me than just a life of constant freaking out. My problem is that when I start to let go just a little, this part of my brain clicks off and tells me that I'm being silly and that I need to face all of my issues at once or else I'll never be anything. This has led me to constant crying, regular regret, and other assorted alliterations. The more I try to get myself involved in the things I love, the more I guilt myself about about not working at the moment.
Not having a job has been really difficult, but I'll hopefully have something in the next week or so and will be able to make what I need to pay for school this year. What's odd is that I don't feel unproductive. I mean, I'm a full-time intern for Obama and work with four of the most attractive men I've ever seen in my life, all of whom hug me every time I offer to do data entry or help with canvassing (spelling?), am writing for my local newspaper regularly and getting paid a little to do so, spending ample time in prayer and studying the Bible and various other religiously-based books (even if you're not a Christian, you should totally read Sex God by Rob Bell- it's freaking amazing), and trying to be a good daughter and sister. Yes, I'd like to earn about $2000 this summer, and yes I know that having a paying job will make me feel a little less worried about being adult-like, but since I've applied to 23 places and had no positive responses yet, it isn't as though I didn't try.
I miss John, but sometimes I wonder if I'm too dependent on him. I don't know if I can handle three more years of being 4000 miles apart. Neither of us like this at all anymore, not that we were crazy about it before, and there's so my pressure from our families to figure out where we're gonna live, what careers we want to pursue, and when the wedding is going to be, that sometimes it seems like taking a break until we're both done with school might just be easier on both of us. I don't want to end what we have, and I don't think he does either, but this is just so hard sometimes. I don't know what to do, but I'll pray about it and actually give it some thought before I do anything. I love him, I really do, but who knows what the future will bring?
Ok, I'm done. Feel free to comment. In fact, please do. I'd really appreciate some advice or just general "you crazy" fodder.