Big Mistakes
Once again, I made a hasty decision, after months of making myself miserable, and now I'm trying desperately to undo my mistake. My only fear is that trying to fix this mistake will create and even bigger problem. I get so close to feeling like myself again, and then something zings me back to being a crying wreck. I tell myself that I've made a decision, and then immediately begin to "what if" myself into thinking that I'll regret it. I've had absolutely no luck finding a job, which is beyond frustrating as this has never been an issue for me before. My sister and I get along fantastically until my mother comes in the room b/c she thinks that she's heard us having a disagreement when we've really just been goofing off, and attempts to "referee" us, which usually just includes telling us how hard she works and how little we do and how upset she is that we can't get along. This leads to Shana and I actually arguing thanks to having our flaws magnified in Mom's frustration, and lots of tears. All the while, I take all my frustration out on John. Why? Because he lets me. He lets me go completely crazy, and then coddles me when I apologize. He's so good to me, and I hate feeling like the bad guy in our relationship, but sometimes I just don't have anywhere else to vent, and he makes it so easy. I love him more than anyone, and just want to be with him, but don't want him to feel like I'm making him the center of my world. I'm not- I just feel like I had the opportunity to spend a few months with him and enjoy our time together, and now I've wasted that by coming back to the US. I mean, if I'm going to be living off of leftover money for my trip to Ireland, why not be in Ireland? My Mom and sister, who are the only family who actually matter now that my grandmother is gone, are being tremendously supportive, but at the same time, I don't want to hear about my stupidity from the rest of the family for the next 20 years. They like to hold grudges on both sides of my family, so it will be a lot of guilt if I do choose to go back to Ireland for 8 weeks. I don't know what to do. I like being home, having my car, and being able to go to church and have my awesome pastor to talk to, as well as being with my family when they need me, but at times it feels like I'm drowning here. Advice is very welcome, as is your ridicule at my indecisiveness. I really misspelled that word, didn't I?