ch-ch-ch-changes
over the past week, i turned 24. not usually the most looked-forward to or celebrated of birthdays. it doesnt mark any real right of passage or end of a decade of life. and certainly on the day of such a birthday, i didnt treat it with any real significance. i went to work, studied for my linguistics class, and watched a friend's cats while she was out of town.
but in the days that followed, it seemed that my experiences would help me reflect on the changes that have taken place and are soon to come.
one such event was a wedding between my friends vanessa and nathaniel, the first wedding of any in my peer group (or at least those that i grew up with). as a child, marriage was something i believed that "adults" engaged in, and as a teenager, something only the conservative minded ever considered. but sitting in one of the oldest churches in northern california, watching friends beam with love and excitement at the alter, i considered something else: that idealism plus action is what drives the world, or at least the people in it, towards a better place. marriage is just that: an ideal of love, of family, or whatever it means to two people who attempt to unite their lives. whether i agree with social/political ramifications is not in the slightest relevant to the fact that those two people have chosen action on behalf of their ideals. and that is something i respect.
it got me thinking about about my life, my ideals. im about to graduate school, the longest running goal and institution i have taken part in. what is the next step, the path towards the ideal life i would like to live? i admit to late nights, contemplating, being scared half to death of what it means to be human, fragile, fleeting, and potentially meaningless. my academic studies, my works of art, dealing with sexuality, media, and subculture... what exactly is the point? the past days, months, years, some relationships and experiences put on the sidelines for money or personal accomplishment, and yet there is something important, tangible and necessary to about feeling accomplished. it is not much to some, and maybe a big deal to others. it puts me in a place within the world, gives me a background, a clout to discuss with friends and colleagues. it may not have mattered when i danced til 4am with my childhood friends in a small duplex livingroom, or hugged the bride and groom. but is experience non-the-less. and while discussing the lives of all my peers, we learned that none of us had yet saved the world or gone on to fame and fortune. were all just figuring it out. so any honest decision is a step towards our own ideals.
oh, and...
i did a shoot for meninpain (now divinebitches.com) today. it will be my last of my "submissive" scenes for my pornographic career. at least for a while. i think i needed to make an honest decision and try not to do things just because others want me to. it was a four-year journey that taught me a lot about my personality, sexuality, and physical catharsis. but my body has grown, my psychology changed, and i believe that fact that i have become more confident and sure of myself has removed any desire to physically submit myself or be verbally humiliated for the purpose of experimentation, self-enhancement, or growth. in fact, now it has quite the opposite effect. negative energy, even when in a consensual and safe environment, is perceived not as role-play, but just negative. in essence, if you talk shit to me while flogging my back and fucking my ass, i will flip you off, call you a cunt, tell you im going to murder your ass, and do my best to rip the cane out of your hands and head butt you in the fucking face. and if you further dominate me so that i have no more control... i will probably cry. so i think im done with that. hah.
but afterwards i will apologize. after all, you were probably just doing your job.
but in the days that followed, it seemed that my experiences would help me reflect on the changes that have taken place and are soon to come.
one such event was a wedding between my friends vanessa and nathaniel, the first wedding of any in my peer group (or at least those that i grew up with). as a child, marriage was something i believed that "adults" engaged in, and as a teenager, something only the conservative minded ever considered. but sitting in one of the oldest churches in northern california, watching friends beam with love and excitement at the alter, i considered something else: that idealism plus action is what drives the world, or at least the people in it, towards a better place. marriage is just that: an ideal of love, of family, or whatever it means to two people who attempt to unite their lives. whether i agree with social/political ramifications is not in the slightest relevant to the fact that those two people have chosen action on behalf of their ideals. and that is something i respect.
it got me thinking about about my life, my ideals. im about to graduate school, the longest running goal and institution i have taken part in. what is the next step, the path towards the ideal life i would like to live? i admit to late nights, contemplating, being scared half to death of what it means to be human, fragile, fleeting, and potentially meaningless. my academic studies, my works of art, dealing with sexuality, media, and subculture... what exactly is the point? the past days, months, years, some relationships and experiences put on the sidelines for money or personal accomplishment, and yet there is something important, tangible and necessary to about feeling accomplished. it is not much to some, and maybe a big deal to others. it puts me in a place within the world, gives me a background, a clout to discuss with friends and colleagues. it may not have mattered when i danced til 4am with my childhood friends in a small duplex livingroom, or hugged the bride and groom. but is experience non-the-less. and while discussing the lives of all my peers, we learned that none of us had yet saved the world or gone on to fame and fortune. were all just figuring it out. so any honest decision is a step towards our own ideals.
oh, and...
i did a shoot for meninpain (now divinebitches.com) today. it will be my last of my "submissive" scenes for my pornographic career. at least for a while. i think i needed to make an honest decision and try not to do things just because others want me to. it was a four-year journey that taught me a lot about my personality, sexuality, and physical catharsis. but my body has grown, my psychology changed, and i believe that fact that i have become more confident and sure of myself has removed any desire to physically submit myself or be verbally humiliated for the purpose of experimentation, self-enhancement, or growth. in fact, now it has quite the opposite effect. negative energy, even when in a consensual and safe environment, is perceived not as role-play, but just negative. in essence, if you talk shit to me while flogging my back and fucking my ass, i will flip you off, call you a cunt, tell you im going to murder your ass, and do my best to rip the cane out of your hands and head butt you in the fucking face. and if you further dominate me so that i have no more control... i will probably cry. so i think im done with that. hah.
but afterwards i will apologize. after all, you were probably just doing your job.