hide and seek
i was hiding from the internet and real life for about 2 weeks. something about the way work was going... steady (which is normally good)... was beginning to stress me out in more than just a physical way. maybe on a very basic level i went from super relaxed, always horny, productive, lots of recreation to .... wanting to crawl in a hole and not speak to anyone, definitely not have sex with anyone unless im going to get a paycheck, and feeling like i was going to cry from just about anything. i have no idea what that was about. perhaps male PMS or something. but ive had yesterday and today off and i did this strange ritual at nordstrom's that i attempt every several months if i actually have money... which is to ask this nice young man who works there what he thinks would look good on me. he picks things out and looks at me after i try each one of them on, and then i only buy like one or two items and i hope he gets a comission or something. it makes me feel like a pretty lady. then i watch a film by myself (500 days of summer... joseph gordon levitt is way too cute for that girl anyways. good riddance).
today i wrote with my friend in a coffee shop and talked about spirituality or lack thereof. hes going to meditation classes with these girls he works with. its calming him down. i said id like to attend one. then we wrote for a few hours and went to a screening of the hungarian film, taxidermia, at our school. its the second time ive seen it, but it was no less profound. back when i played in a band, if i would see a really great act come through town it would make me feel really great, invigorated even, but also somewhat sad that i probalby would never achieve that level of craft. or if i would, the point at which it would happen would be so far away. thats the way i feel after watching taxidermia.
anyways, the point is im feeling much better... in general. no longer collapsing internally. im leaving to my home town, grass valley/nevada city, tomorrow morning and will be staying there for about a week. im also visiting lake tahoe for a family reunion thing with all the extended famiy on my mom's side. it should be fun.
as much as i hated living in grass valley when i was a kid, im definitely feeling a need to go back into the woods and bathe in the river and get the fuck out of LA for a minute. something about the place you grow up in seems to stay in your blood. lets see if i actually feel this way when i get there. it may just be a mythologized past. but i want to see my old friends and pretend were 15 again... except for all the drugs and self-loathing. but we can still hate the rest of the world. im down for that. hah.
today i wrote with my friend in a coffee shop and talked about spirituality or lack thereof. hes going to meditation classes with these girls he works with. its calming him down. i said id like to attend one. then we wrote for a few hours and went to a screening of the hungarian film, taxidermia, at our school. its the second time ive seen it, but it was no less profound. back when i played in a band, if i would see a really great act come through town it would make me feel really great, invigorated even, but also somewhat sad that i probalby would never achieve that level of craft. or if i would, the point at which it would happen would be so far away. thats the way i feel after watching taxidermia.
anyways, the point is im feeling much better... in general. no longer collapsing internally. im leaving to my home town, grass valley/nevada city, tomorrow morning and will be staying there for about a week. im also visiting lake tahoe for a family reunion thing with all the extended famiy on my mom's side. it should be fun.
as much as i hated living in grass valley when i was a kid, im definitely feeling a need to go back into the woods and bathe in the river and get the fuck out of LA for a minute. something about the place you grow up in seems to stay in your blood. lets see if i actually feel this way when i get there. it may just be a mythologized past. but i want to see my old friends and pretend were 15 again... except for all the drugs and self-loathing. but we can still hate the rest of the world. im down for that. hah.