(no subject)
it's almost 3.30 monday morning and i am so awake
trying to figure out what kind of work it would be useful to do (as i can't read, cause i'll forget it as soon as i wake up, etc)
i'm feeling apathetic but at the same time so lonely and fruitlessly driven, ugly and awake
and i was trying so hard for so long not to think about him, but i really miss him and for once all my memories were all happy and laughter in my head, but i was watching tv mindlessly and this thing came on around 2; it reminded me of addi and everything got weird and conflicted
i know (and keep reminding myself) that what happened wasn't my tragedy, it wasn't something i should have let myself be affected by so deeply and so personally and so permanently. i'm incredibly conflicted with its depression and at the same time trying to dismiss the depression because it's not mine to have. being depressed about his stuff makes me feel immensely selfish.
three and a half hours ago was a year exactly and i thought for months that i'd call him on the fifteenth and remind myself while at the same time, not bringing it up if he didn't want to hear it... yet all at the same time knowing that i was there, on the phone, and i remember 15th january, 2005 on the phone. I just realized that I forgot to call.
shit shit shit
how do i keep doing this
trying to figure out what kind of work it would be useful to do (as i can't read, cause i'll forget it as soon as i wake up, etc)
i'm feeling apathetic but at the same time so lonely and fruitlessly driven, ugly and awake
and i was trying so hard for so long not to think about him, but i really miss him and for once all my memories were all happy and laughter in my head, but i was watching tv mindlessly and this thing came on around 2; it reminded me of addi and everything got weird and conflicted
i know (and keep reminding myself) that what happened wasn't my tragedy, it wasn't something i should have let myself be affected by so deeply and so personally and so permanently. i'm incredibly conflicted with its depression and at the same time trying to dismiss the depression because it's not mine to have. being depressed about his stuff makes me feel immensely selfish.
three and a half hours ago was a year exactly and i thought for months that i'd call him on the fifteenth and remind myself while at the same time, not bringing it up if he didn't want to hear it... yet all at the same time knowing that i was there, on the phone, and i remember 15th january, 2005 on the phone. I just realized that I forgot to call.
shit shit shit
how do i keep doing this