the slayer of vampires
I learned by watching DRACULA'S DAUGHTER the other night that, once you've got yourself set up as a vampire slayer, you've pretty much got a license to kill. The first few times you kill a vampire, you'll have some explaining to do--just ask Carl Kolchak--but if you play your cards right and come prepared, you should be able to handle it just fine. And once you've got your slayer cred established, you're all set.
MONDAY
"Oh, him? Yeah, he was a vampire, had to kill him. And take his car. Yeah, it's a vampire hunter thing, you wouldn't understand. You know, tradition and all that. Brotherhood of the Stake."
TUESDAY
"This guy here, yeah, total vampire. No, his safe was already empty when I got here. It's a mystery, huh? They're crafty fuckers. Hey, if it bugs you, I can always take my vampire slaying expertise to another city. Yeah, that's what I thought."
WEDNESDAY
"So I'm arguing with this clerk over the traditional Vampire Slayer's Courtesy Discount when I suddenly realize he's a vampire. Hiding in plain sight, right. Of course I'm sure he was a vampire, I'm an expert. What's with all these questions? You know, you look suspiciously pale to me. Mind if I check your teeth? Uh-huh, so I'll just be going, then. Nice talking to ya."
THURSDAY
"Yeah it was broad daylight, so what? Oh. Ah, did I say vampire? Oh, no, yeah, he was a werewolf. You know, full moon and all. Yeah, I slay them too. Big or small, I slays 'em all, that's what I say. Uh, yeah, stakes work on werewolves too. All those supernatural guys hate stakes. It's, uh, the purity of the wood. Plus they're silver tipped. Really? Must have come off."
FRIDAY
"I can't believe I lived with her for a year and she was a vampire the whole time. Luckily I caught her and this other vampire planning their next attack and was able to stake them both. How should I know why they were meeting in my bedroom? Vampires are clever beasts. They were probably planning an ambush, and they took their clothes off to confuse me. They just didn't count on my reflexes. Crying? Don't be an idiot."
SATURDAY
"Uh, let's see... vampire, vampire, werewolf, vampire, werewolf, ghoul, vampire. Yeah, the crossbow really speeds things up. I don't know, sometimes these creatures all like to hang out together under a bridge and drink really cheap wine. Who can hope to understand the mind of True Evil? Oh, uh, ghouls are $500, same as werewolves. It'll all be on the invoice."
SUNDAY
"No one can ever believe their nephew was a vampire. Tell them to be grateful he's finally at peace. Look, I don't keep track of my competition. If I'm killing way more vampires than anyone else, it's because I'm that damn good."
MONDAY
"Oh, him? Yeah, he was a vampire, had to kill him. And take his car. Yeah, it's a vampire hunter thing, you wouldn't understand. You know, tradition and all that. Brotherhood of the Stake."
TUESDAY
"This guy here, yeah, total vampire. No, his safe was already empty when I got here. It's a mystery, huh? They're crafty fuckers. Hey, if it bugs you, I can always take my vampire slaying expertise to another city. Yeah, that's what I thought."
WEDNESDAY
"So I'm arguing with this clerk over the traditional Vampire Slayer's Courtesy Discount when I suddenly realize he's a vampire. Hiding in plain sight, right. Of course I'm sure he was a vampire, I'm an expert. What's with all these questions? You know, you look suspiciously pale to me. Mind if I check your teeth? Uh-huh, so I'll just be going, then. Nice talking to ya."
THURSDAY
"Yeah it was broad daylight, so what? Oh. Ah, did I say vampire? Oh, no, yeah, he was a werewolf. You know, full moon and all. Yeah, I slay them too. Big or small, I slays 'em all, that's what I say. Uh, yeah, stakes work on werewolves too. All those supernatural guys hate stakes. It's, uh, the purity of the wood. Plus they're silver tipped. Really? Must have come off."
FRIDAY
"I can't believe I lived with her for a year and she was a vampire the whole time. Luckily I caught her and this other vampire planning their next attack and was able to stake them both. How should I know why they were meeting in my bedroom? Vampires are clever beasts. They were probably planning an ambush, and they took their clothes off to confuse me. They just didn't count on my reflexes. Crying? Don't be an idiot."
SATURDAY
"Uh, let's see... vampire, vampire, werewolf, vampire, werewolf, ghoul, vampire. Yeah, the crossbow really speeds things up. I don't know, sometimes these creatures all like to hang out together under a bridge and drink really cheap wine. Who can hope to understand the mind of True Evil? Oh, uh, ghouls are $500, same as werewolves. It'll all be on the invoice."
SUNDAY
"No one can ever believe their nephew was a vampire. Tell them to be grateful he's finally at peace. Look, I don't keep track of my competition. If I'm killing way more vampires than anyone else, it's because I'm that damn good."