(no subject)
I can't get over how much of a miracle Ben is. He came at the perfect time and God knew I needed him because he's what keeps me going.
Tomorrow morning I have to be checked in to surgery at the hospital by 6am for a D&C. After everything I've had done and we finally figured out what was going on, I did the injections and got pregnant that first cycle. Everything was going wonderfully, I had great symptoms and felt so much better about it, my hormone levels were outstanding, I had two good ultrasounds, saw the baby and its tiny fluttering heartbeat-- the most wonderful relieving thing I've ever seen. Then on Tuesday I had one last ultrasound before I was to be released from my RE to my midwife for regular care, and the baby had stopped growing and had no more heartbeat. I can't even begin to put into words what I've been going through. Some effing fluke, something went wrong that's totally unrelated to what happened to the other three. Most likely something chromosomal with the baby (not us, we've had ours checked and they're fine). They're going to do tests to hopefully find out what it was.
I was really afraid at first to get a D&C, but I have the best and only female OB at the hospital doing it. She said she's been through the same thing, so I feel like she'll be extra compassionate about it. The procedure is ultrasound guided, which makes me feel better, too. I'm not sure what sort of anesthesia or pain meds they use, but I feel overwhelmed now since talking with the pre-admissions nurse. All kinds of mundane stuff I have to do or not do beforehand, like showering with antibacterial soap and not wearing contacts. I've never had a surgery before, so I am a bit nervous.
I know I'm not meant to only have one child, but sometimes I feel like giving up.
For now I'm trying to find a little box to keep the ultrasound pictures in. It's harder than it sounds.
Tomorrow morning I have to be checked in to surgery at the hospital by 6am for a D&C. After everything I've had done and we finally figured out what was going on, I did the injections and got pregnant that first cycle. Everything was going wonderfully, I had great symptoms and felt so much better about it, my hormone levels were outstanding, I had two good ultrasounds, saw the baby and its tiny fluttering heartbeat-- the most wonderful relieving thing I've ever seen. Then on Tuesday I had one last ultrasound before I was to be released from my RE to my midwife for regular care, and the baby had stopped growing and had no more heartbeat. I can't even begin to put into words what I've been going through. Some effing fluke, something went wrong that's totally unrelated to what happened to the other three. Most likely something chromosomal with the baby (not us, we've had ours checked and they're fine). They're going to do tests to hopefully find out what it was.
I was really afraid at first to get a D&C, but I have the best and only female OB at the hospital doing it. She said she's been through the same thing, so I feel like she'll be extra compassionate about it. The procedure is ultrasound guided, which makes me feel better, too. I'm not sure what sort of anesthesia or pain meds they use, but I feel overwhelmed now since talking with the pre-admissions nurse. All kinds of mundane stuff I have to do or not do beforehand, like showering with antibacterial soap and not wearing contacts. I've never had a surgery before, so I am a bit nervous.
I know I'm not meant to only have one child, but sometimes I feel like giving up.
For now I'm trying to find a little box to keep the ultrasound pictures in. It's harder than it sounds.