(no subject)
i havent updated in a long time...but thats okay. i guess one main reason is that my computer cant go online. jesse fixed it and it is working perfectly fine except the fact i cant get online..right now i am in the library at grossmont. we ended stats class early today. we just pretty much went over our paper we have to write in there. its funny. i dont really know whats going on in the class or much about the paper yet i was one of the few asking very important questions with some meat to them and the professor even said wow thats a good question. sorta made me feel smart yet i still dont have a clue what the fuck is going on.
i went to the gym today for an hour and a half. i mostly lifted weights and did cardio for about 35 minutes. 20 minutes before lifting and 15 minutes after i lifted. i havent really had anything to eat in the past few days. i still dont really feel like eating. tihs morning i had a protein shake. and this afternoon i had a redbull. maybe it is because of my emotions right now. or just not hungry. it could be because im on a new med for my depression. i feel so old in the mornings when i take my pills. i take 4 different pills in the morning. 2 of which are for my depression. its really funny when im like out and about at school i put on this face which makes it look like im really happy. and for awhile i thought i could become happy. people i was spending time with and talking to on a regular basis. yet now i believe i have lost the one person i have opened up to so much in my life. and it sucks. slowly the worlds of putting on a face to the outside are beginning to become what i really do in my own little world. when i go home i lock myself in my room. watch random tv shit or listen to my endless cd's i have collected over my sad years of living. i watch funny movies trying to replace my hopeless self into a world of make believe. true for two weeks of this past month i was doing better. all thanks to a special someone. but right now im lost and i no longer have my "home". im so scared i am what i will always be from now on until forever. and it makes me nervous to think that my one true goal in life to be happy will never happen. ever since i was young one bad thing turns to another bad thing and yes at times there are good things yet those too turn to evil. i just want to be happy i want nothing more. i want to be loved and feel love. i want to know i have someone in my life who cares about me. just for me. nothing else. i dont feel like i have that anymore. and i want that so badly. im not even sure if i love myself. even that could be a lie....
i went to the gym today for an hour and a half. i mostly lifted weights and did cardio for about 35 minutes. 20 minutes before lifting and 15 minutes after i lifted. i havent really had anything to eat in the past few days. i still dont really feel like eating. tihs morning i had a protein shake. and this afternoon i had a redbull. maybe it is because of my emotions right now. or just not hungry. it could be because im on a new med for my depression. i feel so old in the mornings when i take my pills. i take 4 different pills in the morning. 2 of which are for my depression. its really funny when im like out and about at school i put on this face which makes it look like im really happy. and for awhile i thought i could become happy. people i was spending time with and talking to on a regular basis. yet now i believe i have lost the one person i have opened up to so much in my life. and it sucks. slowly the worlds of putting on a face to the outside are beginning to become what i really do in my own little world. when i go home i lock myself in my room. watch random tv shit or listen to my endless cd's i have collected over my sad years of living. i watch funny movies trying to replace my hopeless self into a world of make believe. true for two weeks of this past month i was doing better. all thanks to a special someone. but right now im lost and i no longer have my "home". im so scared i am what i will always be from now on until forever. and it makes me nervous to think that my one true goal in life to be happy will never happen. ever since i was young one bad thing turns to another bad thing and yes at times there are good things yet those too turn to evil. i just want to be happy i want nothing more. i want to be loved and feel love. i want to know i have someone in my life who cares about me. just for me. nothing else. i dont feel like i have that anymore. and i want that so badly. im not even sure if i love myself. even that could be a lie....