Drowning
I feel like I am drowning...
like I am unrecognizable to who I was.
He tore me up and I don't let it hit me. Then suddenly I realize what I am doing right now, what has happened and I get so overwhelmed that I go numb.
I feel like I can't breathe....like the water is crashing in around me and I have no way of escape.
and then God covers me and I breathe in his sweet sweet oxygen and I see the water thrashing around me, trying to consume me. laughing. but I am protected with this beautiful peace that truly passes all understanding.
I dont see why he loves me so much. I depend on other people, I devote my life to helping others and I say its in the name of him, but I am selfish too.
I do it for me too.
I dont see how anyone could use me for so long and then just give me up and be okay with that.
He hasn't said a single thing to me for a long time, definitely hasn't initiated it.....and his shit is in my car still.
but i refuse to let him be in control. I refuse to speak to him until he has the balls to come to me and ask me for his stuff. I am not going out of my way anymore.
Why can't he just talk to my face? Whats so wrong with me that he needs to send me e-mails, texts, phone calls....
coward. that is what he is.
I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't use me, and that he is sorry. That he feels horrible that he hurt me. I just want to know that he cares....even the slightest bit about what he has done.
but i don't know if it will make me feel any better. I am so mad that I can't fix this on my own.
that I can't give up.
i don't need him, but it just hurts so damn bad. my heart hurts.
this shouldnt be happening to me. I am a good person, who does nice things.
I don't deserve this. i really truly dont.
God protect my heart, as I start all over. please dont let me fall in this trap again.
oh you dont know how much i plead.
like I am unrecognizable to who I was.
He tore me up and I don't let it hit me. Then suddenly I realize what I am doing right now, what has happened and I get so overwhelmed that I go numb.
I feel like I can't breathe....like the water is crashing in around me and I have no way of escape.
and then God covers me and I breathe in his sweet sweet oxygen and I see the water thrashing around me, trying to consume me. laughing. but I am protected with this beautiful peace that truly passes all understanding.
I dont see why he loves me so much. I depend on other people, I devote my life to helping others and I say its in the name of him, but I am selfish too.
I do it for me too.
I dont see how anyone could use me for so long and then just give me up and be okay with that.
He hasn't said a single thing to me for a long time, definitely hasn't initiated it.....and his shit is in my car still.
but i refuse to let him be in control. I refuse to speak to him until he has the balls to come to me and ask me for his stuff. I am not going out of my way anymore.
Why can't he just talk to my face? Whats so wrong with me that he needs to send me e-mails, texts, phone calls....
coward. that is what he is.
I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't use me, and that he is sorry. That he feels horrible that he hurt me. I just want to know that he cares....even the slightest bit about what he has done.
but i don't know if it will make me feel any better. I am so mad that I can't fix this on my own.
that I can't give up.
i don't need him, but it just hurts so damn bad. my heart hurts.
this shouldnt be happening to me. I am a good person, who does nice things.
I don't deserve this. i really truly dont.
God protect my heart, as I start all over. please dont let me fall in this trap again.
oh you dont know how much i plead.