PenguinLord FAQ
Perhaps some of our readers have been wondering what we have been up to lately, so we hope the following catechism will go some way to assuaging the pain of those burning questions.
Mighty PenguinLords, we have not heard from you for a while. What have you been up to?
Indeed, it has been a busy time for us, humble reader! Our scientific investigations have taken many turns and twists, and our mission to bring peace to the universe is proceeding apace.
How is the aforesaid peace to be achieved?
It occurred to us that conflict is a bad thing. When one lifeform attacks another to which it is superior, then naturally the superior will win. That is the order of things. But when two lifeforms of roughly equal defensive capability attack one another, then nothing but bloodshed results, and indeed nothing but bloodshed will result, until there is a victor. Therefore, we have decided to seek out conflicts between forces of roughly equal strength, and offer a helping flipper where necessary.
So, er... you decide who wins?
No, foolish reader! It is not our job to arbitrate in the petty conflicts of other species! We simply wipe out the combatants wholesale. That way, no-one is favoured.
Um... that doesn't sound very peaceful...
Precisely! No doubt you mean that the survivors could simply begin the battles anew? In order to prevent this, we make sure we destroy the combatant planets, so that the species in question are completely wiped out. It is just and right that those who are warlike suffer such a punishment. In some cases, where there are multiple combatant parties fighting a war at once, we have even had to destroy entire galaxies. Quite a challenge, even by PenguinLord standards!
So, let me get this straight. Species A attacks Species B. Species B does not retaliate. You intervene and kill the entire population of Species A AND Species B?
Yes, we can see that you are an apt pupil!
Well, that doesn't sound very peaceful...
Indeed, it can be hard for lesser beings to understand the issues at hand here. But, reader! Have confidence in the PenguinLords! We know what we are doing.
I think PenguinLords are sick, violent, twisted little feather-covered balls of hate. Leave the universe alone, you freaks!
PenguinLords do not suffer abuse gladly. We warn you that there are lines which you should not cross.
How can I intervene and prevent this massacre? It makes me sick to my stomach!
You cannot stop the PenguinLords. Nothing can stop the PenguinLords. For you, it is already too late.
What do you mean?
You have crossed the invisible line. Powering weapons. Target locked. Prepare to fire.
What are you doing?!? No! No! Have mercy! AAAAAARRRGH!
[Sound of lasercannon barrage]
[Sound of exploding planet]
[Radio crackle]
[Silence].
Mighty PenguinLords, we have not heard from you for a while. What have you been up to?
Indeed, it has been a busy time for us, humble reader! Our scientific investigations have taken many turns and twists, and our mission to bring peace to the universe is proceeding apace.
How is the aforesaid peace to be achieved?
It occurred to us that conflict is a bad thing. When one lifeform attacks another to which it is superior, then naturally the superior will win. That is the order of things. But when two lifeforms of roughly equal defensive capability attack one another, then nothing but bloodshed results, and indeed nothing but bloodshed will result, until there is a victor. Therefore, we have decided to seek out conflicts between forces of roughly equal strength, and offer a helping flipper where necessary.
So, er... you decide who wins?
No, foolish reader! It is not our job to arbitrate in the petty conflicts of other species! We simply wipe out the combatants wholesale. That way, no-one is favoured.
Um... that doesn't sound very peaceful...
Precisely! No doubt you mean that the survivors could simply begin the battles anew? In order to prevent this, we make sure we destroy the combatant planets, so that the species in question are completely wiped out. It is just and right that those who are warlike suffer such a punishment. In some cases, where there are multiple combatant parties fighting a war at once, we have even had to destroy entire galaxies. Quite a challenge, even by PenguinLord standards!
So, let me get this straight. Species A attacks Species B. Species B does not retaliate. You intervene and kill the entire population of Species A AND Species B?
Yes, we can see that you are an apt pupil!
Well, that doesn't sound very peaceful...
Indeed, it can be hard for lesser beings to understand the issues at hand here. But, reader! Have confidence in the PenguinLords! We know what we are doing.
I think PenguinLords are sick, violent, twisted little feather-covered balls of hate. Leave the universe alone, you freaks!
PenguinLords do not suffer abuse gladly. We warn you that there are lines which you should not cross.
How can I intervene and prevent this massacre? It makes me sick to my stomach!
You cannot stop the PenguinLords. Nothing can stop the PenguinLords. For you, it is already too late.
What do you mean?
You have crossed the invisible line. Powering weapons. Target locked. Prepare to fire.
What are you doing?!? No! No! Have mercy! AAAAAARRRGH!
[Sound of lasercannon barrage]
[Sound of exploding planet]
[Radio crackle]
[Silence].