My Boots of Lead - 1; Clint's Lacerated Heart - 0
Or maybe that should be, "My Boots of Lead With Shards of Glass and Rusty Nails."
Yeah... that's kind of how wretched I feel about this right now.
Last night, quite unexpectedly and entirely unplanned, I told Clint that I needed to move out. Okay, so he kind of pulled the information from me, but that's because he knows me, and knows when something is wrong. I had an off-day, emotionally, and he asked the wrong/right question. But it's probably better that he knows now, instead of after next week...
Next week we're supposed to be going up to New York. He's got a business thing for the first few days of the week and then we were going to be spending the end of the week with Re. A much-needed vacation for the both of us. Of course... now that I've told him all this I'm not quite sure he's going to want me to go with him at all. I think he will, because in the end he'll want to see Re, he'll want to have some time together, and after all, I'm not leaving him, just the house. But it's difficult for him to make that distinction right now.
I think the worst part about it is that there's a part of me that doesn't feel bad... There's a part of me that so very much wants to get out of this house and find what I've been missing. I feel like I've done this so completely backwards. I should have lived on my own right after college and figured all of this out then, so I wouldn't be putting anyone through such misery now. But I didn't know that. All I knew then was that I wanted to be with Clint for the rest of my life.
And I still do. That's the part that I'm hoping to get through to him even while I'm moving away temporarily. I love him. I need him. But I desperately need to know that I'm not going to resent being with him. Which is how I was beginning to feel about things.
So, as soon as I've gotten a few things in order (i.e. finances, ick), I'll be looking for a place to live. And trying to answer a few of the questions that have popped up in my head in the last nine months.
And hopefully I'll find the answers quickly enough for him to still want me when all is said and done.
Yeah... that's kind of how wretched I feel about this right now.
Last night, quite unexpectedly and entirely unplanned, I told Clint that I needed to move out. Okay, so he kind of pulled the information from me, but that's because he knows me, and knows when something is wrong. I had an off-day, emotionally, and he asked the wrong/right question. But it's probably better that he knows now, instead of after next week...
Next week we're supposed to be going up to New York. He's got a business thing for the first few days of the week and then we were going to be spending the end of the week with Re. A much-needed vacation for the both of us. Of course... now that I've told him all this I'm not quite sure he's going to want me to go with him at all. I think he will, because in the end he'll want to see Re, he'll want to have some time together, and after all, I'm not leaving him, just the house. But it's difficult for him to make that distinction right now.
I think the worst part about it is that there's a part of me that doesn't feel bad... There's a part of me that so very much wants to get out of this house and find what I've been missing. I feel like I've done this so completely backwards. I should have lived on my own right after college and figured all of this out then, so I wouldn't be putting anyone through such misery now. But I didn't know that. All I knew then was that I wanted to be with Clint for the rest of my life.
And I still do. That's the part that I'm hoping to get through to him even while I'm moving away temporarily. I love him. I need him. But I desperately need to know that I'm not going to resent being with him. Which is how I was beginning to feel about things.
So, as soon as I've gotten a few things in order (i.e. finances, ick), I'll be looking for a place to live. And trying to answer a few of the questions that have popped up in my head in the last nine months.
And hopefully I'll find the answers quickly enough for him to still want me when all is said and done.