i told you it would be my fault
i had a bad night last night and it should have been alot of fun, because i dont get to see cari that much. i like hanging out with her because she has this real way of listening to people, and she has a way of making you feel wanted or a part of the group even when you dont think you should be there. she makes me feel good about myself, even when i shouldnt be feeling good about myself.
i knew every single person at that party, save one of the roommates. every single person! cari and sean and laura and i go back to like, second grade or something.
i smoked pot last night for the first time in a very long time. well, actually, i didnt even "smoke" as if to imply that i sat in a circle on the floor and passed the bong around several times. it was more like i took the bong when it was passed to me without thinking, and when i finally realized what the fuck i was doing, i decided, instead if putting it down and changing my mind, ill take a hit.
i am not scared that i smoked. i know what it feels like to smoke. what really freaks me the fuck out is that when that bong got passed on to me, it suddenly didnt require any thinking, any decision making, nor any desire to even smoke. but when it was all on front of me it was just... routine. and i remember thinking later how easy it is to let yourself go and get caught up in the mix. how much easier it is to just kick back and smoke.
i shouldnt have done what i did. the honest to god truth is this: i dont know why i just didnt say no to it if i didnt really want it. i gave that life up for my own reasons, the main one being that i now have a new style of life i have had to work really fucking hard to make my own and not someone else's. i have worked really really hard to not become who i was two three four and five years ago. and i still have a very long way to go.
i am a weak person. i am stupid and foolish and naive, and i know this, but i am also trying to change this. but i have thrown a huge part of my progress out the window as of yesterday. call it whatever you want. tell me im being too fucking hard on myself. but jesus, man, no one else is. no one else comes down on me like i do.
i have successfully managed to single-handedly damage two of the three best relationships i have had in my life thus far, and over what? they should give people like me gold medals.
i am sorry. please know that admist everything, i really am trying. i wasnt lying when i said the last thing i would want to do is dissapoint you, to make this difficult, to put this in jeopardy, to make you mad. i know i just fucked things up.
i knew every single person at that party, save one of the roommates. every single person! cari and sean and laura and i go back to like, second grade or something.
i smoked pot last night for the first time in a very long time. well, actually, i didnt even "smoke" as if to imply that i sat in a circle on the floor and passed the bong around several times. it was more like i took the bong when it was passed to me without thinking, and when i finally realized what the fuck i was doing, i decided, instead if putting it down and changing my mind, ill take a hit.
i am not scared that i smoked. i know what it feels like to smoke. what really freaks me the fuck out is that when that bong got passed on to me, it suddenly didnt require any thinking, any decision making, nor any desire to even smoke. but when it was all on front of me it was just... routine. and i remember thinking later how easy it is to let yourself go and get caught up in the mix. how much easier it is to just kick back and smoke.
i shouldnt have done what i did. the honest to god truth is this: i dont know why i just didnt say no to it if i didnt really want it. i gave that life up for my own reasons, the main one being that i now have a new style of life i have had to work really fucking hard to make my own and not someone else's. i have worked really really hard to not become who i was two three four and five years ago. and i still have a very long way to go.
i am a weak person. i am stupid and foolish and naive, and i know this, but i am also trying to change this. but i have thrown a huge part of my progress out the window as of yesterday. call it whatever you want. tell me im being too fucking hard on myself. but jesus, man, no one else is. no one else comes down on me like i do.
i have successfully managed to single-handedly damage two of the three best relationships i have had in my life thus far, and over what? they should give people like me gold medals.
i am sorry. please know that admist everything, i really am trying. i wasnt lying when i said the last thing i would want to do is dissapoint you, to make this difficult, to put this in jeopardy, to make you mad. i know i just fucked things up.