Scolded
Today started out okay enough. I kind of slept in late. Then after I decided that I couldn't go back to sleep, I sat around a bit in my room, did my budget, made a to-do list, that kind of stuff.
Later, I ate breakfast and the weather was really nice so I asked if I could take Hina outside and play with her in the park. We had a lot of fun. She's so cute. Some random Jehovah's Witness came up to us and started talking to us, and blah blah. I wonder why I run into more in Japan than I do anywhere else. lol. Anyway, Narumi came out and asked if I wanted to go out and get coffee with her. I said it was okay.
Then when I was gathering my things, I realized that she probably wanted to tell me something terrible. I imagined all sorts of terrible scenarios while we were going to get coffee. ;__;
She asked me what my purpose was being in Japan. She said that she understood that it used to be my thesis, but why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I still here. Well, being suddenly asked that, I wasn't really sure what to say. Her point was that she wanted me to look back on this experience and be proud, to feel accomplished. To have something that I did and that I enjoyed while I was here. That she wanted to cheer me on. That me just working to finish the program was something that she despised. That she didn't want to see me like that. "そのようなメリサはいやだ。"She told me that she originally thought that the reason I came to stay with them was to get help with the Ainu stuff, and while that was the reason, she said that she understood that I wanted to be with a family. She said that I was a big help and that she appreciated me, but asked me why I didn't ask her for help with this stuff that I wanted to do. I told her that I didn't want to burden them, and she said it was more frustrating for her to try to imagine what I'm thinking and what I need all the time. She said that if I just wanted my purpose to be ending the program and that if I just wanted a place to stay, that was fine, and then she'd stop worrying about me. But she said that she felt upset because she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. And that when I was out traveling that so many events happened, but that she didn't tell them to me because I didn't seem interested, or I didn't seem willing. That she knew that I was an adult and wasn't going to pressure me or try to lead me because I wasn't a child. She said that she had wanted to say all of this early, but I was sad, and why was I sad?
I basically couldn't really say anything. I kind of felt stripped down. I almost cried a few times, but I held it in. I felt sort of like the layers of happiness that I had been building up all around me instantaneously vanished and that I was right back at square one. She was right. I can pretend to be happy (although it's not conscious most of the time, and I can say that completely honestly) but what I'm really doing is leading myself into busyness, something to take my mind off of it. To lead myself away from what I'm feeling.
But what do I want to do? What do I want to make my purpose. She said it was okay if it wasn't Ainu stuff, if it was Sado, or finishing the program or getting a job or whatever, but I mean...I couldn't really say much. It was hard. How do you explain that perhaps the real cause of sadness is a set of burdens that you're carrying that sometimes overwhelm you and you have to stop....but usually you just take them off for a moment, readjust and continue on? To explain that this isn't something that has happened only once. It's more like a cycle. I'm fine if I'm busy, I'm depressed when I'm not. Does that mean that my ...my basic 'at rest' inertia is depression? I don't know.
I just feel like a failure with the whole thesis writing. A failure as a student. I know that I shouldn't feel like I'm burdening Narumi, because she said that if she couldn't do something that she'd tell me that she couldn't. Again, I was told that I am being too Japanese. While part of me laughs about that, I wonder if being here is that good for me? I ...don't know. To be afraid to voice my thoughts, afraid to do things and to think too much about it that I'm unable to make motions forward. Why can't I just trust in myself and continue to move forward is what Narumi wanted to know. Why do I say, "maybe I can do it, not sure if I can, but I guess...." all the time? I...don't know. I said I did want to do Ainu stuff, I did want to study and I was making baby steps by myself, so she told me to go home and talk to Koizumi-san, and we did, but ...is it wrong of me to feel so worthless about all of this? The fact that what I want to study, in my heart, used to be something that really moved me, but now it comes in waves? What does it mean?
She said that if I had just wanted to read books to do my thesis then why did I come all the way to Japan and waste all the money? I don't know. I feel backed into a corner. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Moving forward was better than standing still. I wanted to move out, I wanted to move forward and I guess this seemed like progress. Does it matter that I'm stalled? I don't know. Does it make sense at all? I doubt it does. I'm not exactly the best person at describing what I feel.
What's with all of this half-effort in everything? I guess I would tell you if I knew. Is it bad to feel like I just want to run away and hide? Is that normal? I don't know. I just don't know at all. I feel pressured by so many things.
Later, I ate breakfast and the weather was really nice so I asked if I could take Hina outside and play with her in the park. We had a lot of fun. She's so cute. Some random Jehovah's Witness came up to us and started talking to us, and blah blah. I wonder why I run into more in Japan than I do anywhere else. lol. Anyway, Narumi came out and asked if I wanted to go out and get coffee with her. I said it was okay.
Then when I was gathering my things, I realized that she probably wanted to tell me something terrible. I imagined all sorts of terrible scenarios while we were going to get coffee. ;__;
She asked me what my purpose was being in Japan. She said that she understood that it used to be my thesis, but why am I here? What is my purpose? Why am I still here. Well, being suddenly asked that, I wasn't really sure what to say. Her point was that she wanted me to look back on this experience and be proud, to feel accomplished. To have something that I did and that I enjoyed while I was here. That she wanted to cheer me on. That me just working to finish the program was something that she despised. That she didn't want to see me like that. "そのようなメリサはいやだ。"She told me that she originally thought that the reason I came to stay with them was to get help with the Ainu stuff, and while that was the reason, she said that she understood that I wanted to be with a family. She said that I was a big help and that she appreciated me, but asked me why I didn't ask her for help with this stuff that I wanted to do. I told her that I didn't want to burden them, and she said it was more frustrating for her to try to imagine what I'm thinking and what I need all the time. She said that if I just wanted my purpose to be ending the program and that if I just wanted a place to stay, that was fine, and then she'd stop worrying about me. But she said that she felt upset because she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. And that when I was out traveling that so many events happened, but that she didn't tell them to me because I didn't seem interested, or I didn't seem willing. That she knew that I was an adult and wasn't going to pressure me or try to lead me because I wasn't a child. She said that she had wanted to say all of this early, but I was sad, and why was I sad?
I basically couldn't really say anything. I kind of felt stripped down. I almost cried a few times, but I held it in. I felt sort of like the layers of happiness that I had been building up all around me instantaneously vanished and that I was right back at square one. She was right. I can pretend to be happy (although it's not conscious most of the time, and I can say that completely honestly) but what I'm really doing is leading myself into busyness, something to take my mind off of it. To lead myself away from what I'm feeling.
But what do I want to do? What do I want to make my purpose. She said it was okay if it wasn't Ainu stuff, if it was Sado, or finishing the program or getting a job or whatever, but I mean...I couldn't really say much. It was hard. How do you explain that perhaps the real cause of sadness is a set of burdens that you're carrying that sometimes overwhelm you and you have to stop....but usually you just take them off for a moment, readjust and continue on? To explain that this isn't something that has happened only once. It's more like a cycle. I'm fine if I'm busy, I'm depressed when I'm not. Does that mean that my ...my basic 'at rest' inertia is depression? I don't know.
I just feel like a failure with the whole thesis writing. A failure as a student. I know that I shouldn't feel like I'm burdening Narumi, because she said that if she couldn't do something that she'd tell me that she couldn't. Again, I was told that I am being too Japanese. While part of me laughs about that, I wonder if being here is that good for me? I ...don't know. To be afraid to voice my thoughts, afraid to do things and to think too much about it that I'm unable to make motions forward. Why can't I just trust in myself and continue to move forward is what Narumi wanted to know. Why do I say, "maybe I can do it, not sure if I can, but I guess...." all the time? I...don't know. I said I did want to do Ainu stuff, I did want to study and I was making baby steps by myself, so she told me to go home and talk to Koizumi-san, and we did, but ...is it wrong of me to feel so worthless about all of this? The fact that what I want to study, in my heart, used to be something that really moved me, but now it comes in waves? What does it mean?
She said that if I had just wanted to read books to do my thesis then why did I come all the way to Japan and waste all the money? I don't know. I feel backed into a corner. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Moving forward was better than standing still. I wanted to move out, I wanted to move forward and I guess this seemed like progress. Does it matter that I'm stalled? I don't know. Does it make sense at all? I doubt it does. I'm not exactly the best person at describing what I feel.
What's with all of this half-effort in everything? I guess I would tell you if I knew. Is it bad to feel like I just want to run away and hide? Is that normal? I don't know. I just don't know at all. I feel pressured by so many things.