"You're the light that I've been seeking, cause my whole life there's been something missing..."
Sleep is not happening.
That makes me sad, not so much because I'll be really tired tomorrow but because now I have to occupy myself untill either I fall asleep or the sun rises and I can walk to go get a cup of coffee. For now writing will be the solution.
I tried to go to sleep.
I slept for about a half hour before I woke up parched and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water walking as softly as possible hoping not to disturb Liz who is sleeping on the sofa in the living room.
As I was doing so I found myself instinctively sidestepping all of the places where Shadow might normally be found laying over the course of a night... I realised I was doing this and a wave came over me, a cold cold shiver ran up and down my spine to be more accurate. I got back to my room and layed down but that wasnt working so well, perhaps if my Butterfly were there it would be well as even her mere presence instills a feeling of comfort in me. However no ammount of wishing caused her to appear so I curled up into a little ball and tried to sleep, I was on the verge of falling asleep when another chill ran up my spine and a feeling I havent felt in a while overcame me (cant really describe it... something to do with foam and the feeling of not existing in either of the three conventional dimentions). I realised that if I fell asleep I'd just have unsettling dreams and I'd rather have no dreams than unsettling ones, which brings me to here, rambling into the white text box on the computer screen listening to Stabbing Westward play through the computer speakers.
I guess tonight was an allright evening regardless. Putting Shadow down was bad and frankly I'm not going to think about it right now. Mark was there but he left right away after paying the bill as his fatherly duty or something, he's about as emotionally distant as the rest of us and so it diddnt suprise us that he left so we couldnt see his reaction. Julia went into the room with Shadow during his last moments and Liz and I sat in the waiting room. Well, Liz sat in the waiting room... as soon as I heard Shadow wimper from inside the other room I was out the front door, I couldnt handle it. Liz stayed in the waiting room and I stood outside smoking a cigarette... for a minute we stared eachother dead in the eye through the window sharing a moment of utter sorrow, in a truely depressing way it was beautiful. Liz is Julias best friend of many many years and it had never dawned on me quite so powerfully before just how much of a sister she is to me.
After we got back from the Vet we sat around for a little while all somber and bleary eyed and watched the Simpsons. After that we realised that we were really hungry and we ended up going to Taco Bell of all the godawful places to end up eating. It was good though, not the food but the time spend bonding with Julia and Liz. Then we stopped by Julia's friend Tony's place for a few to say Hi and left right as they were packing the bong. As much as I wanted to be high and distanced from reality right then, I respected Julias desire to be sober. Or maybe it was merely my shock that she'd pass up a bowl that kept me from protesting. I dont know really. Either way we left then and went to the video station to rent a movie. They ended up renting something I diddnt particularly want to watch so I thought I'd rent something that I did want to watch. I allmost rented Rules of Attraction but passed because I'm not quite done reading the book yet... I ended up renting Secretary :)
After we got back Ann called and hearing her voice made me feel so much better, I wasnt particularly responsive due to the somber mood I was in but it was a pleasant and uplifting conversation nevertheless.
I called around some people in hopes of finding a way out of the house for the rest of the evening but everyone was either busy or gone or otherwise impossible to get a hold of. That kinda depressed me, hopefully they'll all come out of the woodwork soon enough. Anyhow I ended up watching Secretary, alone, but it cheered me up a bit nevertheless.
I dont know... a lot of thoughts have been running through my head this evening but none of them complete ideas. Lots of things that I felt I should write down at the time but now cannot remember for the life of me what they were... I hate it when that happens.
The urge to cut came this evening... but I sucessfully resisted and for that I am proud of myself.
On a related note Mark noticed the scars on my upper arm tonight... he made a comment indicating that he saw them but was not going to ask how they came about to be there. Thats nothing new, he's allways reacted that way to Julia and I's scars... as a father I dont think he knows quite how he should react. I'm sure he knows that we put them there ourself but is either too passive to say anything or realises that it doesnt concern him and that we would not benifit any from talking to him. His silent acknowledgement is all the support I really desire from him anyway and wouldnt expect anything but.
I hope its not really cold tomorrow... I have a bunch of errands to run and not having a car means I have to walk everywhere. If it's really really cold then tomorrow is going to be a really really long day.
Apparently Marty called tonight... apparently she still sounds really doped up on Antipsychotics... regardless aparently she still sounds quite out of touch with sanity. Yeah... doesnt suprise me. At least this holiday season we are not sitting around trying to get her crazy ass arrested so she can get commited... god, that was a bunch of years ago now... scary. No, this time she's allready gotten arrested and commited... well... in a halfway-house now... but still.
I dont know what to think about her anymore so I'm just not going to.
I'm gonna try to go to sleep again.
Wish me luck.
That makes me sad, not so much because I'll be really tired tomorrow but because now I have to occupy myself untill either I fall asleep or the sun rises and I can walk to go get a cup of coffee. For now writing will be the solution.
I tried to go to sleep.
I slept for about a half hour before I woke up parched and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water walking as softly as possible hoping not to disturb Liz who is sleeping on the sofa in the living room.
As I was doing so I found myself instinctively sidestepping all of the places where Shadow might normally be found laying over the course of a night... I realised I was doing this and a wave came over me, a cold cold shiver ran up and down my spine to be more accurate. I got back to my room and layed down but that wasnt working so well, perhaps if my Butterfly were there it would be well as even her mere presence instills a feeling of comfort in me. However no ammount of wishing caused her to appear so I curled up into a little ball and tried to sleep, I was on the verge of falling asleep when another chill ran up my spine and a feeling I havent felt in a while overcame me (cant really describe it... something to do with foam and the feeling of not existing in either of the three conventional dimentions). I realised that if I fell asleep I'd just have unsettling dreams and I'd rather have no dreams than unsettling ones, which brings me to here, rambling into the white text box on the computer screen listening to Stabbing Westward play through the computer speakers.
I guess tonight was an allright evening regardless. Putting Shadow down was bad and frankly I'm not going to think about it right now. Mark was there but he left right away after paying the bill as his fatherly duty or something, he's about as emotionally distant as the rest of us and so it diddnt suprise us that he left so we couldnt see his reaction. Julia went into the room with Shadow during his last moments and Liz and I sat in the waiting room. Well, Liz sat in the waiting room... as soon as I heard Shadow wimper from inside the other room I was out the front door, I couldnt handle it. Liz stayed in the waiting room and I stood outside smoking a cigarette... for a minute we stared eachother dead in the eye through the window sharing a moment of utter sorrow, in a truely depressing way it was beautiful. Liz is Julias best friend of many many years and it had never dawned on me quite so powerfully before just how much of a sister she is to me.
After we got back from the Vet we sat around for a little while all somber and bleary eyed and watched the Simpsons. After that we realised that we were really hungry and we ended up going to Taco Bell of all the godawful places to end up eating. It was good though, not the food but the time spend bonding with Julia and Liz. Then we stopped by Julia's friend Tony's place for a few to say Hi and left right as they were packing the bong. As much as I wanted to be high and distanced from reality right then, I respected Julias desire to be sober. Or maybe it was merely my shock that she'd pass up a bowl that kept me from protesting. I dont know really. Either way we left then and went to the video station to rent a movie. They ended up renting something I diddnt particularly want to watch so I thought I'd rent something that I did want to watch. I allmost rented Rules of Attraction but passed because I'm not quite done reading the book yet... I ended up renting Secretary :)
After we got back Ann called and hearing her voice made me feel so much better, I wasnt particularly responsive due to the somber mood I was in but it was a pleasant and uplifting conversation nevertheless.
I called around some people in hopes of finding a way out of the house for the rest of the evening but everyone was either busy or gone or otherwise impossible to get a hold of. That kinda depressed me, hopefully they'll all come out of the woodwork soon enough. Anyhow I ended up watching Secretary, alone, but it cheered me up a bit nevertheless.
I dont know... a lot of thoughts have been running through my head this evening but none of them complete ideas. Lots of things that I felt I should write down at the time but now cannot remember for the life of me what they were... I hate it when that happens.
The urge to cut came this evening... but I sucessfully resisted and for that I am proud of myself.
On a related note Mark noticed the scars on my upper arm tonight... he made a comment indicating that he saw them but was not going to ask how they came about to be there. Thats nothing new, he's allways reacted that way to Julia and I's scars... as a father I dont think he knows quite how he should react. I'm sure he knows that we put them there ourself but is either too passive to say anything or realises that it doesnt concern him and that we would not benifit any from talking to him. His silent acknowledgement is all the support I really desire from him anyway and wouldnt expect anything but.
I hope its not really cold tomorrow... I have a bunch of errands to run and not having a car means I have to walk everywhere. If it's really really cold then tomorrow is going to be a really really long day.
Apparently Marty called tonight... apparently she still sounds really doped up on Antipsychotics... regardless aparently she still sounds quite out of touch with sanity. Yeah... doesnt suprise me. At least this holiday season we are not sitting around trying to get her crazy ass arrested so she can get commited... god, that was a bunch of years ago now... scary. No, this time she's allready gotten arrested and commited... well... in a halfway-house now... but still.
I dont know what to think about her anymore so I'm just not going to.
I'm gonna try to go to sleep again.
Wish me luck.