Fic - Every Word; Chapter 8 of 12; Glee; Kurt/Blaine
Chapter 7
Kurt wakes to a surprisingly clear Saturday. The sunlight feels wrong - there should be torrential rain or at least the listless cloud San Francisco fronts on most days.
There are no rehearsals until Monday. It’s a relief not to see Blaine, Kurt isn’t ready for that, but he wishes there was something other than time stretching ahead of him.
He has kind of fucked this up.
He’s wary of talking it through with anyone. He knows Rachel will align herself melodramatically on his side, even though he’s fairly convinced he has done something wrong here. And despite her unexpected soft spot for Blaine, Santana remains committed to the idea that sex is just sex and can’t really hurt. She’ll mostly be thrilled Kurt got some. She’ll also take pleasure in giving all the juicy details to Raf should he make an ill-advised attempt to stop around. Not that Kurt’s against hitting Raf with some of that imagery, exactly, but he’d rather not use hooking up with his first love as a tool against the guy who just cheated on him.
He certainly can’t call his dad.
Instead he calls Adam, who understands a lot of things.
“Kurt! We’re just in from a fancy brunch at Leafy Lyle’s. They make rather a nice mojito,” says Adam.
“Do you have a moment?” Kurt asks. “To talk.”
“Sure,” says Adam easily, though Kurt hasn’t often asked Adam for help. “Benji love, I might just sit out on the fire escape and catch up with Kurt.”
After a moment of shuffling Adam asks, “What’s cooking with you, sweetheart?” The noise of the city is in the background. In that moment Kurt misses New York ferociously.
“I had sex with Blaine.”
“Oh? And this is a… bad thing.”
“It was kind of fucked up.”
“Because you’re with Raf?”
“No. Oh no I’m not with Raf any more-”
“Okay.”
“Raf hooked up with someone, Adam. I was gone all of eleven days and he cheats on me.”
“Oh, pet.”
“And it’s- I tried to include Raf in this whole San Francisco thing. But- It’s like whoever he is I can’t even leave the room before my boyfriend is looking for someone better.”
“Hey. No. That’s not-“
“So then we were out for dinner with the cast and I laid it on hard with Blaine.”
Adam chuckles softly. “I bet you did. He wouldn’t have known what hit him.”
“Adam,” Kurt protests quietly.
“Kurt. I’m certainly the first to admit it would have been better if you had chosen to do this with someone less- well, less fraught. Someone where there’s less history.”
“The history might have been why I pushed it.”
“Fair point, love. So what’s going to happen with Blaine?”
“Nothing.”
“Hmmm,” Kurt can hear Adam’s skepticism.
“Truly nothing,” he says.
“All right. And how is the show looking?”
“It’s extraordinary,” says Kurt, tearing up a little.
“There you are. So you need to find a way you chaps can get through this, preferably without breaking each other’s hearts again.”
Kurt nods, though Adam can’t actually see him. “Thanks,” he says and sniffs. He takes a breath then asks after Adam’s latest and greatest acapella ensemble, and Benji’s continuing costuming crises and the cats.
Before they hang up Adam says, “You’ve got to take the time to grieve, Kurt. Or at least to properly think.”
“About my relationship with Raf?”
“I meant your relationship with Blaine.”
“That was almost seven years ago.”
“Then why is sex with him so fucked up? You two are single gentlemen living the gay theater dream in San Francisco. Having sex should be easy.”
Kurt’s pretty sure Adam’s wrong. But then, he and Adam hooked up a few times after they broke up. It was fun. It was easy. It was nothing like this.
When Kurt checks his phone later there’s a message.
From Blaine: I hope you’re okay.
To Blaine: I am. And truly sorry.
**
Kurt spends some of Sunday with Tina and Tex. They show him around their neighborhood, dodging prams at the flea market and braving the winds to sit with coffee in a hillside park. While Tina and Tex discuss green space Kurt makes a decision. He apologises to the others as he pulls out his phone.
To Blaine: I know we need to talk. Are you free this evening?
From Blaine: I can be. When and where?
To Blaine: Say 6. Somewhere neutral. Coffee shop, quiet bar?
Blaine sends the address of a wine bar in Hayes Valley.
On the way down the hill, Tex gets himself lost in a store full of kitsch plastics from the 70s and 80s. Tina pulls Kurt out to the sidewalk and into a seat shaped like clasped hands.
“Cute,” he says of the seat. “Tacky but cute.”
Tina ignores him. “You don’t seem yourself,” she says. “Are you okay?”
Kurt flicks a glance at her.
“I’ve known you for a long time, Kurt Hummel. The bright outfit and quick conversation might fool some people. Not me.”
Kurt tries to smile. “I’ll be fine, Tina. I can’t talk about it now. Not yet.”
“Blaine?” she asks gently.
When he looks away she says, “Oh Kurt.” But she’s grown up, too, so she doesn’t look at him with daggers or even remind him that she warned him. She did warn him.
“Blaine and I are going to talk it through tonight,” he says. She hugs him as Tex approaches with some glitter globe salt shakers.
“Awe-inspiring, right?” says Tex.
“I am certainly in awe,” agrees Kurt. Tina squeezes his hand.
**
Blaine orders a glass of cabernet sauvignon and sits facing the door. He lifts a hand as Kurt comes in. Kurt looks both anxious and beautiful. Blaine doesn’t know whether to smile. He suspects he looks like he’s about to have his appendix removed.
Kurt sits across from him and crosses his legs. They take a synchronized mouthful of wine.
They discuss the weekend. Blaine ran at North Beach; hired some band members for the show; had Sunday brunch at the Moose with friends including Wes and his fiancée; watched an interesting retrospective about Timbaland. He doesn’t mention the number of texts he wrote, then deleted before sending. He doesn’t mention how hard it was to face his bedroom, its tangled sheets still smelling of Kurt.
As they talk, Kurt’s fingers shift items on the table: coaster, napkin, wine glass. Blaine keeps his hands folded in his lap so he doesn’t reach out to him. He orders mixed olives to give Kurt something to do.
Kurt takes a breath. “I’m not that silly romantic kid you knew when we were in high school. I’m not sure what I am. But I’m hurting and I might be taking it out on you. I think it would be unkind of me to let you believe there’s anything in me I can give you.”
He lifts his eyes to Blaine’s. Blaine expected this but it still feels like a punch to the stomach. He’s not sure he has any answer.
“This show is going to be wonderful,” says Kurt. “And I really want to be a part of that. It’s important to me. I think- I think I’m important to the show too.”
“You are important to the show,” says Blaine. “I wouldn’t-” He’s shocked that Kurt could assume he would be so small-minded.
Kurt stumbles over his reassurance. “No. Oh no I would never think you’d retaliate like that. No. I just-” He steadies himself. “I want to ensure that we can pull this incredible thing together without hurting each other. Without me hurting you.”
Blaine wants to fight but he doesn’t even have a place to start.
When Kurt and Blaine first met, Blaine was the hub of the school. He’d known unerringly how to act so he would be liked and respected. Everything came easily for him. At the same time Kurt was worn down. He seemed fragile and lonely. Blaine had known he could hold out a hand and Kurt would be his. Somehow he had assumed that he deserved that devotion. Somehow he had been certain Kurt would always be his.
And then he wasn’t.
“Okay. We can do that,” Blaine says.
“I’m sorry,” says Kurt.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” says Blaine. He’s angry with himself though. It took a lot to get over Kurt. And now he thinks he may be right back where he started - where his heart just aches.
They don’t stay long. The sun is setting as they leave.
“I don’t want to be ambiguous here,” says Blaine on the sidewalk. “And I’m not going to push anything. I know I’ve hurt you and I don’t know exactly what is going on for you right now or why things are the way they are. But I do believe this could be something between us. I have never stopped believing that.” Kurt’s look is inscrutable in the half light. “I miss you. I also know that getting over you nearly killed me. I don’t want either of us to hurt like that again.”
Kurt nods. His eyes are bright. It breaks Blaine’s heart.
“I’ll see you at rehearsal,” says Blaine.
He only just hears Kurt’s quiet, “Thank you.”
Chapter 8
Kurt wakes to a surprisingly clear Saturday. The sunlight feels wrong - there should be torrential rain or at least the listless cloud San Francisco fronts on most days.
There are no rehearsals until Monday. It’s a relief not to see Blaine, Kurt isn’t ready for that, but he wishes there was something other than time stretching ahead of him.
He has kind of fucked this up.
He’s wary of talking it through with anyone. He knows Rachel will align herself melodramatically on his side, even though he’s fairly convinced he has done something wrong here. And despite her unexpected soft spot for Blaine, Santana remains committed to the idea that sex is just sex and can’t really hurt. She’ll mostly be thrilled Kurt got some. She’ll also take pleasure in giving all the juicy details to Raf should he make an ill-advised attempt to stop around. Not that Kurt’s against hitting Raf with some of that imagery, exactly, but he’d rather not use hooking up with his first love as a tool against the guy who just cheated on him.
He certainly can’t call his dad.
Instead he calls Adam, who understands a lot of things.
“Kurt! We’re just in from a fancy brunch at Leafy Lyle’s. They make rather a nice mojito,” says Adam.
“Do you have a moment?” Kurt asks. “To talk.”
“Sure,” says Adam easily, though Kurt hasn’t often asked Adam for help. “Benji love, I might just sit out on the fire escape and catch up with Kurt.”
After a moment of shuffling Adam asks, “What’s cooking with you, sweetheart?” The noise of the city is in the background. In that moment Kurt misses New York ferociously.
“I had sex with Blaine.”
“Oh? And this is a… bad thing.”
“It was kind of fucked up.”
“Because you’re with Raf?”
“No. Oh no I’m not with Raf any more-”
“Okay.”
“Raf hooked up with someone, Adam. I was gone all of eleven days and he cheats on me.”
“Oh, pet.”
“And it’s- I tried to include Raf in this whole San Francisco thing. But- It’s like whoever he is I can’t even leave the room before my boyfriend is looking for someone better.”
“Hey. No. That’s not-“
“So then we were out for dinner with the cast and I laid it on hard with Blaine.”
Adam chuckles softly. “I bet you did. He wouldn’t have known what hit him.”
“Adam,” Kurt protests quietly.
“Kurt. I’m certainly the first to admit it would have been better if you had chosen to do this with someone less- well, less fraught. Someone where there’s less history.”
“The history might have been why I pushed it.”
“Fair point, love. So what’s going to happen with Blaine?”
“Nothing.”
“Hmmm,” Kurt can hear Adam’s skepticism.
“Truly nothing,” he says.
“All right. And how is the show looking?”
“It’s extraordinary,” says Kurt, tearing up a little.
“There you are. So you need to find a way you chaps can get through this, preferably without breaking each other’s hearts again.”
Kurt nods, though Adam can’t actually see him. “Thanks,” he says and sniffs. He takes a breath then asks after Adam’s latest and greatest acapella ensemble, and Benji’s continuing costuming crises and the cats.
Before they hang up Adam says, “You’ve got to take the time to grieve, Kurt. Or at least to properly think.”
“About my relationship with Raf?”
“I meant your relationship with Blaine.”
“That was almost seven years ago.”
“Then why is sex with him so fucked up? You two are single gentlemen living the gay theater dream in San Francisco. Having sex should be easy.”
Kurt’s pretty sure Adam’s wrong. But then, he and Adam hooked up a few times after they broke up. It was fun. It was easy. It was nothing like this.
When Kurt checks his phone later there’s a message.
From Blaine: I hope you’re okay.
To Blaine: I am. And truly sorry.
**
Kurt spends some of Sunday with Tina and Tex. They show him around their neighborhood, dodging prams at the flea market and braving the winds to sit with coffee in a hillside park. While Tina and Tex discuss green space Kurt makes a decision. He apologises to the others as he pulls out his phone.
To Blaine: I know we need to talk. Are you free this evening?
From Blaine: I can be. When and where?
To Blaine: Say 6. Somewhere neutral. Coffee shop, quiet bar?
Blaine sends the address of a wine bar in Hayes Valley.
On the way down the hill, Tex gets himself lost in a store full of kitsch plastics from the 70s and 80s. Tina pulls Kurt out to the sidewalk and into a seat shaped like clasped hands.
“Cute,” he says of the seat. “Tacky but cute.”
Tina ignores him. “You don’t seem yourself,” she says. “Are you okay?”
Kurt flicks a glance at her.
“I’ve known you for a long time, Kurt Hummel. The bright outfit and quick conversation might fool some people. Not me.”
Kurt tries to smile. “I’ll be fine, Tina. I can’t talk about it now. Not yet.”
“Blaine?” she asks gently.
When he looks away she says, “Oh Kurt.” But she’s grown up, too, so she doesn’t look at him with daggers or even remind him that she warned him. She did warn him.
“Blaine and I are going to talk it through tonight,” he says. She hugs him as Tex approaches with some glitter globe salt shakers.
“Awe-inspiring, right?” says Tex.
“I am certainly in awe,” agrees Kurt. Tina squeezes his hand.
**
Blaine orders a glass of cabernet sauvignon and sits facing the door. He lifts a hand as Kurt comes in. Kurt looks both anxious and beautiful. Blaine doesn’t know whether to smile. He suspects he looks like he’s about to have his appendix removed.
Kurt sits across from him and crosses his legs. They take a synchronized mouthful of wine.
They discuss the weekend. Blaine ran at North Beach; hired some band members for the show; had Sunday brunch at the Moose with friends including Wes and his fiancée; watched an interesting retrospective about Timbaland. He doesn’t mention the number of texts he wrote, then deleted before sending. He doesn’t mention how hard it was to face his bedroom, its tangled sheets still smelling of Kurt.
As they talk, Kurt’s fingers shift items on the table: coaster, napkin, wine glass. Blaine keeps his hands folded in his lap so he doesn’t reach out to him. He orders mixed olives to give Kurt something to do.
Kurt takes a breath. “I’m not that silly romantic kid you knew when we were in high school. I’m not sure what I am. But I’m hurting and I might be taking it out on you. I think it would be unkind of me to let you believe there’s anything in me I can give you.”
He lifts his eyes to Blaine’s. Blaine expected this but it still feels like a punch to the stomach. He’s not sure he has any answer.
“This show is going to be wonderful,” says Kurt. “And I really want to be a part of that. It’s important to me. I think- I think I’m important to the show too.”
“You are important to the show,” says Blaine. “I wouldn’t-” He’s shocked that Kurt could assume he would be so small-minded.
Kurt stumbles over his reassurance. “No. Oh no I would never think you’d retaliate like that. No. I just-” He steadies himself. “I want to ensure that we can pull this incredible thing together without hurting each other. Without me hurting you.”
Blaine wants to fight but he doesn’t even have a place to start.
When Kurt and Blaine first met, Blaine was the hub of the school. He’d known unerringly how to act so he would be liked and respected. Everything came easily for him. At the same time Kurt was worn down. He seemed fragile and lonely. Blaine had known he could hold out a hand and Kurt would be his. Somehow he had assumed that he deserved that devotion. Somehow he had been certain Kurt would always be his.
And then he wasn’t.
“Okay. We can do that,” Blaine says.
“I’m sorry,” says Kurt.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” says Blaine. He’s angry with himself though. It took a lot to get over Kurt. And now he thinks he may be right back where he started - where his heart just aches.
They don’t stay long. The sun is setting as they leave.
“I don’t want to be ambiguous here,” says Blaine on the sidewalk. “And I’m not going to push anything. I know I’ve hurt you and I don’t know exactly what is going on for you right now or why things are the way they are. But I do believe this could be something between us. I have never stopped believing that.” Kurt’s look is inscrutable in the half light. “I miss you. I also know that getting over you nearly killed me. I don’t want either of us to hurt like that again.”
Kurt nods. His eyes are bright. It breaks Blaine’s heart.
“I’ll see you at rehearsal,” says Blaine.
He only just hears Kurt’s quiet, “Thank you.”
Chapter 8