Movie Review: The Graveyard (2006)

[pendamuse]

The Grave­yard

2006

NR, 93 minutes

“A group of friends expe­ri­ences a night of hor­ror in this shock­ing tale of ter­ror. Mourn­ing the loss of a mutual buddy, they visit his grave on the anniver­sary of his death. But the evening takes an unex­pected turn when buried secrets are revealed - and the trip to the grave­yard turns into a night of revenge. Lind­say Ballew, Patrick Scott Lewis, Markus Pot­ter, Trish Coren, Chris Stew­art and Leif Lille­hau­gen co-star in this creepy chiller..” (Netflix)

Star­ring:  Christo­pher Stewart, Sam Bologna and Trish Coren

Writ­ten by: Michael Hurst­Di­rected by: Michael Feifer

Pro­duced by: MRG Enter­tain­ment and Main­line Releas­ing

Dis­trib­uted by: Lions Gate Films Home Entertainment

Trailer:

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As usual, the Net­flix descrip­tions aren’t even close.  To cel­e­brate to parole of a friend as well as the 5-year anniver­sary of the death of another, a group reunites to grieve, drink, have sex, and atone for what they did - only there’s a killer on the loose to make sure their offer­ings are permanent.

What­ever - it’s a by the numbers, straight to video hor­ror flick, with lots of point­less sex, shower scenes that linger over bod­ies in posi­tions made only for these kinds of hor­ror movies, and leaps in time and logic. This is your stan­dard T&A flick - you’re not sup­posed to think about the holes in the plot, the clichéd dia­logue, or the ran­dom crazy les­bian whose sole pur­pose is to stalk on-screen, rant, make idle angry les­bian threads, and die. I guess that’s scary. *shrug*

1 - Wow Fac­tor - More like “wow, the Sher­iff was right behind you and now it’s dark and he still hasn’t caught you - yet you man­aged to lose him?”

2 - Wan­der­Lust - Got up 4 times for drinks, bath­room and to make hot dogs. Never both­ered to pause it.

3 - Rewind - They were mak­ing these same movies when I was a kid - no wor­ries, there’s no thread to lose.

4 - Rec­om­mend - I think this was in a six-pack of movies that popped up when I added some­thing else. No rec­om­men­da­tion to pass on.

5 - Movie Math - (Prom Night + Fri­day The 13th)  + every other teen hor­ror movie ever made - (Jamie Lee Cur­tis - Jason’s Mom) - a killer you could actu­ally be afraid of = The Grave­yard

6 - Net­flix Rat­ing - Two Stars

Next Up: Vidocq 2001

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