hurricane
this is hilarous... thx sophie for showing it... cuz ur awsome like that...
Some humor as we all wait and wonder what Frances will do....
Good Advice for all of us that were victimized.
By Dave Barry
Subject: Hurricane Season
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any
day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making
two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based
on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had
an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week,
I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
Some humor as we all wait and wonder what Frances will do....
Good Advice for all of us that were victimized.
By Dave Barry
Subject: Hurricane Season
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any
day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making
two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based
on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home
meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll
have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will
charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement
value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had
an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week,
I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once
you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman
says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your
driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred
thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy
them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with
strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn
out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be
irate alligators.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws
near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.