(no subject)
I'm just feeling weird today. I'm sure it is some type of PMS slump that'll go away in a few days.
I looked at 2 apartments in Ferndale today, nothing special, but in my price-range. They both sucked, the people showing them sucked, and the vibe I got from the whole thing sucked. My apartment is nice, big, cheap, comfy, but it just doesn't feel like MINE. My apartment is also in a rather boring city. It sort of dawned on me how crazy it is to be looking at apartments somewhere trendy and certainly overpriced, especially considering I live about 15 minutes from Detroit, 15 minutes from Royal Oak, and 15 minutes from Mt. Clemens and any other place that might have something interesting in it...like, one bookstore.
It occurred to me how passive-aggressive and cowardly I was behaving. I'd rather spend the time and money looking for a place and possibly moving than just accommodate myself and force Matt to leave. I've asked him politely to move out once, then I had second thoughts and he didn't work very hard to move because of that, then I asked him to move out again, and he's been actively looking for a place which makes me feel all fucked up.
I just want my apartment to be a hub for privacy, introspection, selfishness, and anything else I need to feel safe. Living with another person, especially a man, is not something I plan on ever doing, regardless of it's perks. (Financial, in this case)
I don't want to sever ties with him, hurt him, or throw him out, but I really need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two and my life just seems desperate when I'm going out alone to get out of the house, feeling incredibly lonely even though I'm living with someone, etc.
And honestly, I am incredibly lonely, I fantasize about romantic relationships, the right person for me, awesome sex... I have dreams about these things all the time and when I wake up there is a longing that I can totally feel that I've never felt as deeply as now.
I looked at 2 apartments in Ferndale today, nothing special, but in my price-range. They both sucked, the people showing them sucked, and the vibe I got from the whole thing sucked. My apartment is nice, big, cheap, comfy, but it just doesn't feel like MINE. My apartment is also in a rather boring city. It sort of dawned on me how crazy it is to be looking at apartments somewhere trendy and certainly overpriced, especially considering I live about 15 minutes from Detroit, 15 minutes from Royal Oak, and 15 minutes from Mt. Clemens and any other place that might have something interesting in it...like, one bookstore.
It occurred to me how passive-aggressive and cowardly I was behaving. I'd rather spend the time and money looking for a place and possibly moving than just accommodate myself and force Matt to leave. I've asked him politely to move out once, then I had second thoughts and he didn't work very hard to move because of that, then I asked him to move out again, and he's been actively looking for a place which makes me feel all fucked up.
I just want my apartment to be a hub for privacy, introspection, selfishness, and anything else I need to feel safe. Living with another person, especially a man, is not something I plan on ever doing, regardless of it's perks. (Financial, in this case)
I don't want to sever ties with him, hurt him, or throw him out, but I really need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two and my life just seems desperate when I'm going out alone to get out of the house, feeling incredibly lonely even though I'm living with someone, etc.
And honestly, I am incredibly lonely, I fantasize about romantic relationships, the right person for me, awesome sex... I have dreams about these things all the time and when I wake up there is a longing that I can totally feel that I've never felt as deeply as now.