Premarital Deep Dicking
There have been a lot of changes. Not major, huge, life-changing, relocation, type changes... but subtle, probably long-lasting, personal changes that are happening right now. They're happening for you too, since we are ever-changing beings, right?
My most recent obsession has been with my weight. While it has always been a huge obsession of mine there were very few times I actually took action to correct it. I have lost a considerable amount of weight, I am still fat, big, chunky, husky, curvaceous, plump, plus-sized, large, all of those horrible adjectives that really only make me feel worse when I think about my body. But even so - I am getting complimented on how different I am starting to look and that is most definitely encouraging.
Right now I'm in a full blown binge mode. I don't have any "safe" food and am left to roam a house full of starchy, sugary, low-nutrient, fatty, foods that I have no business even going near. They only make me ravenously hungry. I really need to go grocery shopping but this has been one of the lamest times for me, financially. It seems like everyone I know is broke right now.
Work is the same as it ever was. "Work is love and love is work." That has always sort of been a motto of mine. I think I invented it!!! But seriously, I am excited to get back to work after an extended weekend off. I am not excited to figure out what the fuck to do with my personal life. I am seriously all over the place. I'm not on a trampage but I'm a bit of an emotional basket-case. I don't know what I want right now. I am so cynical of love and relationships. I've actually surprised myself by how closed off I've made myself. Usually I pretend like I don't want to be touched and don't want to talk as some type of stupid game to get a guys attention or start a fight so I can be touched and talked to. But I really don't want to talk much and I don't want to be touched much. I don't want to be pressured into relationships. In my perfect plastic bubble world I am friends with lots of people. I have deep meaningful relationships with them, we talk about everything, we support each-other, and on occasion, we engage in sexual activities. Because, face it girls, you all enjoy a good deep-dicking every now and again. Don't act like you don't.
Alright that was kind of trashy. I went to church yesterday. It is practically in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It was pretty cool. I didn't start convulsing and writhing around on the ground. I did, however, get a good old-fashioned, heartwarming, pleasant feeling. Regardless of my beliefs, your beliefs, scandals, and all the drama surrounding organized religion - I believe in something. And it might not fit exactly into say... the Catholic church across the street - I till firmly believe in the message they send when they speak of kindness and helping each-other.
This religious turnaround was birthed from an ugly, ugly place. I felt morally bankrupt, reckless, only aware of the physical world, but then recently, my eyes opened just a little bit wider. I still like to talk about being deep-dicked. (Sorry, God)
There are other things I could write about. I could talk about Steve and Matt. But right now I feel like... really far away from making clear romantic decisions. I really do need to reach acceptive and forgiveness of myself before truly being receptive to giving and taking love. I don't want to be in another relationship where, like, we're both figuring out who we are, neither of us can think beyond ourselves to truly support one another, and we just drag each other through our own emotional mud. It isn't fair.
This turned out to be really long. Not for you - more for me to look back and read someday. Will I? Maybe. From time to time I do look back and read this old journal.
On a lighter note, lets do an eating recap of today.
2 Hamburger Buns (I know)
1 Large Salad w/Light Vinaigrette
2 Chocolate Chunk Granola Bars
Mashed Potatoes (home-made)
Meatloaf (home-made) I'm not a meatloaf kinda gal but I made this more as a favor to someone.
1/2 Bag of Sour Skittles
100 Calorie Bag of Popcorn
I feel like I'm forgetting things. I'm not done, either. I'm totally hungry today. I have my food set up for tomorrow though, so I don't totally slide off this diet. I have lost about 40lbs now and I don't want to start relaxing. In about 2 weeks I'll be getting a gym membership at the place by the place near the place I call home. Yoga is free for members! I would like a work-out buddy, though. Sometimes I feel alone with this whole thing... with everything really. See ya!
My most recent obsession has been with my weight. While it has always been a huge obsession of mine there were very few times I actually took action to correct it. I have lost a considerable amount of weight, I am still fat, big, chunky, husky, curvaceous, plump, plus-sized, large, all of those horrible adjectives that really only make me feel worse when I think about my body. But even so - I am getting complimented on how different I am starting to look and that is most definitely encouraging.
Right now I'm in a full blown binge mode. I don't have any "safe" food and am left to roam a house full of starchy, sugary, low-nutrient, fatty, foods that I have no business even going near. They only make me ravenously hungry. I really need to go grocery shopping but this has been one of the lamest times for me, financially. It seems like everyone I know is broke right now.
Work is the same as it ever was. "Work is love and love is work." That has always sort of been a motto of mine. I think I invented it!!! But seriously, I am excited to get back to work after an extended weekend off. I am not excited to figure out what the fuck to do with my personal life. I am seriously all over the place. I'm not on a trampage but I'm a bit of an emotional basket-case. I don't know what I want right now. I am so cynical of love and relationships. I've actually surprised myself by how closed off I've made myself. Usually I pretend like I don't want to be touched and don't want to talk as some type of stupid game to get a guys attention or start a fight so I can be touched and talked to. But I really don't want to talk much and I don't want to be touched much. I don't want to be pressured into relationships. In my perfect plastic bubble world I am friends with lots of people. I have deep meaningful relationships with them, we talk about everything, we support each-other, and on occasion, we engage in sexual activities. Because, face it girls, you all enjoy a good deep-dicking every now and again. Don't act like you don't.
Alright that was kind of trashy. I went to church yesterday. It is practically in the parking lot of my apartment complex. It was pretty cool. I didn't start convulsing and writhing around on the ground. I did, however, get a good old-fashioned, heartwarming, pleasant feeling. Regardless of my beliefs, your beliefs, scandals, and all the drama surrounding organized religion - I believe in something. And it might not fit exactly into say... the Catholic church across the street - I till firmly believe in the message they send when they speak of kindness and helping each-other.
This religious turnaround was birthed from an ugly, ugly place. I felt morally bankrupt, reckless, only aware of the physical world, but then recently, my eyes opened just a little bit wider. I still like to talk about being deep-dicked. (Sorry, God)
There are other things I could write about. I could talk about Steve and Matt. But right now I feel like... really far away from making clear romantic decisions. I really do need to reach acceptive and forgiveness of myself before truly being receptive to giving and taking love. I don't want to be in another relationship where, like, we're both figuring out who we are, neither of us can think beyond ourselves to truly support one another, and we just drag each other through our own emotional mud. It isn't fair.
This turned out to be really long. Not for you - more for me to look back and read someday. Will I? Maybe. From time to time I do look back and read this old journal.
On a lighter note, lets do an eating recap of today.
2 Hamburger Buns (I know)
1 Large Salad w/Light Vinaigrette
2 Chocolate Chunk Granola Bars
Mashed Potatoes (home-made)
Meatloaf (home-made) I'm not a meatloaf kinda gal but I made this more as a favor to someone.
1/2 Bag of Sour Skittles
100 Calorie Bag of Popcorn
I feel like I'm forgetting things. I'm not done, either. I'm totally hungry today. I have my food set up for tomorrow though, so I don't totally slide off this diet. I have lost about 40lbs now and I don't want to start relaxing. In about 2 weeks I'll be getting a gym membership at the place by the place near the place I call home. Yoga is free for members! I would like a work-out buddy, though. Sometimes I feel alone with this whole thing... with everything really. See ya!