"Don't catch Clematis"
This is in response to the dialogue only challenge at foxriver_fic It's below the cut.
“It’s the next left, no wait the second left.”
“You don’t remember from before, Mr ‘Brain the size of a planet?’ “
“I caught the bus last time, it’s just a walk across the quad from the bus station. It looks different coming by car”
“Why didn't you let me bring you then?.”
“Yeah, like I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded you popping outta your cell at the County Jail to run me over to the Open day”
“Oh that’s when you came here?”
“Yeah, you didn’t get out in time remember, Mr ‘Brain the size of a pea when you’re stoned’.”
“Watch it, I can always dump you and your stuff out on the road just turn around and head back home.”
“I’d manage.”
“Yeah maybe”
“Now you haven’t forgotten the dates for the rent and electricity payments?”
“15th of every month.”
“And the insurance on the car is..”
“Is due next month. I know I’m not an idiot!”
“You have to make sure the trash is out early Tuesday or otherwise Mr Hellman complains to the building manager”
“I know I know Geeez I’m supposed to be sending you off with a list of do’s and don’t not the other way around.”
“Sorry It’s just they’re all important and I want to make sure Ive still got a home to come back to at Christmas.”
“I can manage, everything will be fine. Now is it my turn?”
“Sure go ahead.”
“Ok, always use a condom”
“That’s it? Your first bit of advice? The first you think I need to hear, always use a condom?”
“It’s really important, you don’t want any baby Mikey’s do you and there are tons of diseases out there just waiting for you if you’re not careful. This place is crawling with girls even you’re bound to get laid at some point.”
“Wow thanks for the vote of confidence Bro”
“I was watching that science channel when you went for the sodas a few nights back,it was all about STD's and there’s a really nasty one called Clem…. Something. Clematis?”
“Clematis is a climbing plant dumbass, you probably mean Chlamydia.”
“Chlamydia that’s the one. Just always make sure you wear one right? And don’t have too much sex with too many girls. But... make sure you have some ok?”
“So is there a quota I gotta hit big bro?”
“No just get the balance right.”
“I can’t believe I’m sitting here in a car with my brother who has been staggeringly successful in abusing narcotics booze and women since he hit puberty and he’s telling me to get the balance right. It’s college for chrissakes I’m here to study. Look we're here I think, this is it, Hartington Hall I’m on the third floor, pull over”
“There are girls going in there!”
“Yeah, it’s a mixed dorm”
“Mixed, guys and girls on the same floor?”
“Yeah?”
“Ok just don’t forget the clematis thing?”
“Chlamydia it’s Chlamydia geeez Linc”
“Oh and change your shorts at least every other day otherwise you’ll stink”
“That’s it? That’s the sum total of brotherly advice for me.
Wear a condom, don’t catch any nasty climbing plants and change my shorts before they start to smell. Well great, thanks for the lift bro and the advice….”
“Love Ya Mikey, See you in the holidays”
“It’s the next left, no wait the second left.”
“You don’t remember from before, Mr ‘Brain the size of a planet?’ “
“I caught the bus last time, it’s just a walk across the quad from the bus station. It looks different coming by car”
“Why didn't you let me bring you then?.”
“Yeah, like I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded you popping outta your cell at the County Jail to run me over to the Open day”
“Oh that’s when you came here?”
“Yeah, you didn’t get out in time remember, Mr ‘Brain the size of a pea when you’re stoned’.”
“Watch it, I can always dump you and your stuff out on the road just turn around and head back home.”
“I’d manage.”
“Yeah maybe”
“Now you haven’t forgotten the dates for the rent and electricity payments?”
“15th of every month.”
“And the insurance on the car is..”
“Is due next month. I know I’m not an idiot!”
“You have to make sure the trash is out early Tuesday or otherwise Mr Hellman complains to the building manager”
“I know I know Geeez I’m supposed to be sending you off with a list of do’s and don’t not the other way around.”
“Sorry It’s just they’re all important and I want to make sure Ive still got a home to come back to at Christmas.”
“I can manage, everything will be fine. Now is it my turn?”
“Sure go ahead.”
“Ok, always use a condom”
“That’s it? Your first bit of advice? The first you think I need to hear, always use a condom?”
“It’s really important, you don’t want any baby Mikey’s do you and there are tons of diseases out there just waiting for you if you’re not careful. This place is crawling with girls even you’re bound to get laid at some point.”
“Wow thanks for the vote of confidence Bro”
“I was watching that science channel when you went for the sodas a few nights back,it was all about STD's and there’s a really nasty one called Clem…. Something. Clematis?”
“Clematis is a climbing plant dumbass, you probably mean Chlamydia.”
“Chlamydia that’s the one. Just always make sure you wear one right? And don’t have too much sex with too many girls. But... make sure you have some ok?”
“So is there a quota I gotta hit big bro?”
“No just get the balance right.”
“I can’t believe I’m sitting here in a car with my brother who has been staggeringly successful in abusing narcotics booze and women since he hit puberty and he’s telling me to get the balance right. It’s college for chrissakes I’m here to study. Look we're here I think, this is it, Hartington Hall I’m on the third floor, pull over”
“There are girls going in there!”
“Yeah, it’s a mixed dorm”
“Mixed, guys and girls on the same floor?”
“Yeah?”
“Ok just don’t forget the clematis thing?”
“Chlamydia it’s Chlamydia geeez Linc”
“Oh and change your shorts at least every other day otherwise you’ll stink”
“That’s it? That’s the sum total of brotherly advice for me.
Wear a condom, don’t catch any nasty climbing plants and change my shorts before they start to smell. Well great, thanks for the lift bro and the advice….”
“Love Ya Mikey, See you in the holidays”