Songfic: She's not the real me (SPN/Ros XO, Drifter)
Name: She's not the real me
Author: pempees
Beta: bellsy
Characters/pairings: Dean/Liz
Category: Roswell/Supernatural XO in Dark Angel Universe
Rating: PG-13 maybe...?
Disclaimer: I own nothing; seriously, even the computer is loaned.
Summary: Lacey is Liz, but there couldn't be less in common between them. Dean is about to meet them both.
Song: Three Days Grace - The Animal I Have Become
Author's Note: I just had to write this since it was like 3 AM couple nights back, when it hit me. Perfect idea, perfect song - I wrote it down on my phone just so I would remember it in the morning. There could actually be ingredients for a longer fic in this, but I have already settled my mind which is going to be my next long fic, and because I really wanted to write this it's just oneshot/song fic. And just to be clear, there isn't actually anything from Dark Angel here - just the pulse. I don't know if it makes any difference, but Tess never came back with Zan. The fic? Okay, I’ll quit the rambling and give you the fic :D
I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Liz smiled at a group of four men, who sat at a table near the front door. She wouldn't have if that wasn't part of her current job; they were the worst kind of pigs. They called her to their table every five minutes sometimes ordering another round, but usually just to see her walking to them. Liz was sweet no matter what had happened to her, so she didn't tell the guy who offered her to take her for a ride to go screw himself because his right hand was the only thing that would want to touch him and even that was questionable. Liz shook the suggestion off with a light laugh and a wave of her hand - after that she quickly turned to leave; her stomach didn't really like the pigs either. She would have to run to the toilet, if the gross image of the guy didn't disappear.
”C'mon sugar, I know you want some. Give us another round of your own juice. I know you desperately want it - one of us can be your daddy tonight, if that is what you dig,” the dirtiest of the men said and before he had even had a chance to take the naughty smile off his face, he lay on the table, Liz's hands squeezing his shirt. Her face was only a few inches away from the man's. And she wasn't doing it because of lust; her eyes had darkened a little bit and there was a bitter smile on her lips. Yes, Liz had been through a lot in her life - too much for anyone to bear. So, meet Lacey.
”Watch your tongue, little pig, it's my daddy you are talking about,” Lacey whispered and after that the rage burning in her was released. Not one of the men got up after Lacey had gotten a knife.
So what if you can see
The darkest side of me
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Dean got out of his car, which he had just parked in front of some shabby bar. Sam had called and asked him to meet him there. Dean couldn't actually imagine his brother in such a place, but maybe there was a job or something for them in there. So Dean walked into the bar just in time to witness Sam getting his ass kicked by a petite brunette girl. Dean wasn't sure if he should laugh at the situation or be scared for his brother's life. The girl really didn't look like she would settle with just the ass-kicking - she looked like she wanted blood.
Sam stumbled back onto his feet at the same time the girl took a beer bottle from a table next to her. With a tiny movement of her hand she broke it in the edge of a table - that's when Dean thought it was his time to step in. He knew that Sam could never hit a woman like that; she wasn't possessed, she was just plain crazy. Dean couldn’t hit her either, but together they could tame her. So Dean walked around her, when she was concentrating on killing Sam. With a few quick moves Dean knocked her down, keeping her there.
”Wha-what's happening?” a fragile voice asked underneath Dean. Dean looked at the brunette between his legs, and the change was apparent. She was like a totally different person.
This animal... This animal...
There are times in a person's life when everything seems to be lost and all the fighting and struggling seem to be vain. Liz felt that every time she got control after Lacey had shaken up the scenery. She had been on a quest to find a solution for so long, but with what the world was today it wasn't easy. No pills to get, no doctors to meet... Still, in the end Liz knew that Lacey had her reasons to surface. She had had enough of Liz's ability of getting herself kicked down. Liz sighed when she pressed her head to the cold window and listened to the engine roar. Then again she would enjoy having a little piece of Lacey in her character - also, it was because of her that she now was in this '67 Impala.
I can't escape myself, (I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied, (so many times I've lied)
But there's still rage inside,
Somebody get me through this nightmare,
I can't control myself.
Her whole body was trembling a little when she stepped into hospital room number 287. She knew every corner of that room better than her own pockets. There he was, on the bed, in the same position as always. And as always when Liz saw him, the rage inside her reached the boundaries of Lacey's appearance. But she tried her hardest to keep her away; this was hers last moment with him. With Kyle.
This time it was different. This time she wasn't there alone watching her friend drifting farther away from life with every breath he took - and even that happened with the help of a machine. Dean hadn't allowed Liz to go alone: he really didn't let her go alone anywhere anymore. On some level, Liz was grateful to Dean. She knew that she couldn't do this by herself; she had to end her best friend's life. She had to pull the plug. The bills were too big. The money was always an issue. The doctors had said that he would never come out of it. His brain had shut down because of too much pain. And Liz knew whose fault that was.
Dean stood silent next to the door, letting Liz say her goodbyes. He didn't know who the guy was, but that really wasn't his business. Liz told them what she wanted them to know and they told her all she needed to know. Dean’s eyes followed Liz closely when she reached for the plug. Her hand froze midair - it hanged there few second before Liz turned around. Dean had been with her long enough to recognize Lacey, and that was definitely her. She grabbed the nearest object and threw it at the wall next to Dean, screaming in her pain. Then she ran to Dean and started to beat him as hard as she could with her tiny fists. She kept screaming and yelling random sentences. Dean grabbed her and pushed her against the wall. Lacey couldn't get away, and eventually when the screaming and hitting weren't enough she broke into tears.
So what if you can see,
The darkest side of me,
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become.
When Liz had joined the Winchester brothers, Lacey didn't need to appear as much as she used to. Liz liked that. She felt like she was in control of her life again. She hadn't felt like that after she had turned sixteen. There had started the journey which had ended in Lacey. Liz didn't often think of that: she actually never thought of that when she had Sam or Dean with her. She had traveled with the boys almost a year. And the worst part was coming, she knew it. She waited for it.
Liz had asked the boys to lock her up, and not in any circumstance come close to her at least in a week. The bond between the trio was strong, so Sam and Dean had done like she had asked. They didn't like it but they had done it. But Dean just couldn't stay away - even when Liz wasn't herself and when she was a danger to him. So he came into Liz's hide-out, facing the sight he never wanted to see. Yes, it was Liz's body but there was nothing that even resembled Liz. She was covered in her own blood and her whole face was puffy as a result of crying.
Dean stayed with Lacey. It wasn't easy, but there was no other choice for him. They spent days in that dirty hide-out, but Dean got to know more about Liz's life and Lacey's birth in those days that he had in the whole year. It was an anniversary for Liz; for both of them actually. Five years ago all Hell had broken loose in Liz's life, taking everyone away from her and giving the final touch to Lacey and her birth. Dean thought he had it all wrong, but if he had lived Liz's life, he would be far worse than just sick.
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
”It's okay. Liz, everything is okay. I promise you. This will go away,” Dean murmured into Liz's ear. They both were covered in blood, and Liz was sobbing uncontrollably in Dean's arms. She hadn't even realized the rage before it was too late; Lacey had surfaced at the worst possible moment. She had ruined everything. She had struck at Sam, who was still unconscious as a result of flying through a bookshelf. She had knocked Dean down. She had taken the knife and... Liz clung on to Dean's shirt and he swayed her comfortingly.
”She's not me. She's not the real me,” Liz mumbled against Dean's shirt. The innocent man in front of them stared at the ceiling with shock still shining in his lifeless eyes.
Somebody help me through this nightmare,
I can't control myself.
Somebody wake me from this nightmare,
I can't escape this hell.
Dean was there. Liz couldn't be happier about anything. Dean was always there. He was always there. He smoothed the rough times for Liz the best way he could. Again he had carried her to the motel room bed after Lacey had made her big exit. Even the boys had noticed that she appeared more often nowadays and that she started being even more violent than she used to. For years she had come when Liz wasn't able to protect herself; she had been the shield; she had been the weapon. Now sometimes Liz felt that Lacey wanted to take over and without Dean Liz wouldn't be able to take control of her own body. Still most times it was the other way around; Dean made Lacey go away and give Liz what was hers. The feeling, when you know that someone can take you over and you can't do anything about it, is the scariest thing in the world. On top of everything, when that someone who takes over is a part of you, not a demon or something, how do you kill it?
Dean would be there the whole time. He would walk with her in that nightmare of hers and Liz knew it. He had said it out loud and he had made it so clear with all the things he had done. Liz squeezed his hand harder when she started feeling nauseated, because of the thought of Dean leaving. And Sam. He was constantly searching for a cure for Liz, but as he had told Dean in the darkest hours of night; in that post-pulse world it became harder every day. Though he never stopped looking. Like Dean never stopped covering for Lacey. At least, he had to cover murders rarely after that one.
So what if you can see,
The darkest side of me,
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become.
They hadn't allowed her to come with them. They said she might ruin the whole thing, and Liz knew they were right. Dean had insisted that they wouldn't leave her alone, and Sam had agreed. So they had taken her to the only person left in the world who they trusted: Bobby. Sam had told him everything he needed to know, and Bobby didn't even want to know more. He would take care of her as if she were his own daughter.
So Liz waited with Bobby. They hardly spoke at all, but it didn't bother Liz. She was actually glad that Bobby stayed silent: he might say something that ticked her off, and it wasn't an option. So they waited in silence. And they waited. And they waited a little too long.
When Dean and Sam parked the Impala in front of Bobby's house, they heard a familiar scream from inside. They exchanged quick glances before running to the house. They didn't know what had happened to make Lacey come out, but it wasn't important - the important thing was to get Lacey away from Bobby before she thrust the dagger into his guts. She did wound him a little before Dean managed to knock her down. Lacey cursed at him and spat in his face.
”Sorry, handsome, Liz doesn't want to come out and play,” Lacey hissed when Dean begged Liz to surface. She might be right, so Dean made eye contact with his brother and nodded shortly.
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Lacey disappeared a little after they had made her swallow one of the pills Dean and Sam had just stolen. They weren't sure if it was because of the pill or because Liz had won the battle against her other self. But she kept taking the pills - one every six hours. And they tried to piss her off. Dean and Sam didn't like to get on Lacey's killing list, so they took Liz to a bar near by. The only one who really had a hard time was Dean - it killed him to watch those douche bags trying to hit on Liz. If they didn't want them to get Liz annoyed, Dean would have ripped some heads off.
Then the one who really got to her came. He came too close, he touched her, he whispered disgusting things in her ear. He was too much about touching, but Liz tried to get away from him the nice way. Smiles and laughs. Apologies. Then he just pushed it too far. 'I'm an FBI agent' he whispered in Liz's ear, his lips touching her ear. It wasn't the lips, or anything else that he did. It was the FBI agent. The rage burned like a pyre in her. FBI agent. That was all she hated, despised. So she turned to the man and her tiny fist landed straight on his nose. Crunch - a broken nose.
”If you really were one, I would kill you in a blink of an eye. For Maria and for Kyle. But you are just a pathetic little boy, so you live - that is punishment enough for a son of a bitch like you.”
This animal I have become
It was that moment, when they realized that Liz really had a piece of Lacey in her forever, and that she didn't need her to be tough. Lacey was tamed with medicine, but nothing could tame Liz and nobody wanted that. Dean looked at her with shining eyes. Liz looked at him and smiled. She got control. She got her life back. She felt like Liz Parker again. With two long steps Dean was in front of Liz. She looked at him and he couldn't tear his eyes away from her. He gently put his hands on Liz's face before lowering his head to place his lips on hers - to kiss her. Liz didn't hesitate at all when she answered the kiss. Her tears mixed into his on their cheeks and made the kiss salty.
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Author's Note #2: If someone didn't realize it, Liz has dissociative identity disorder. I don't know how that works in reality, but I went with the ”Me, Myself and Irene” version of it. I do know that it usually has at least four personalities, but hope you don't mind that I left Lilith, Layla and Lily away *laughs* And If someone did get even the right name to it, please tell me :D I had so much details to this fic, and it's almost sad to leave them all out :( So if you are intereted, ask and I will answer :D
And because I just love art making too, I made few wallpapers from the fic banner.
Teaser:
I really don't like 'Lacey's' picture in it, but Shiri really haven't done angry roles and that was the best I could do :)
One with just Liz(s), one with the boys and one with the boys&text :)
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Comments are love <3