egh. so much i'd love to say...
theres a lot i didnt type before... and now more... i'll mention 2 more creation things... and then we will stop with that...as i am sure your sick of hearing about it.
this isnt really anything to do with it... but it happend AT creation...so anyways... >.>
i had this dream...it isnt ODD i guess to many people...but for me it is. I met this guy... this amazing guy and from the beginning we didnt get along...but then... we fell in love and it just seemed perfect. and i wasnt afraid...i wasnt afraid to have him around my family or anything... it was like... the kind of romance you would find in one of those cheesy romance movies... the kind of love people ALWAYS hope for. the kind i DON'T believe in. although...sometimes i do wonder... not for me of course. i have an explanation for this... i'll rant about it here for a min. cause...well...i will give some insight? so anyways...
well there are 2 things people do.
1) get their hopes up...then find themselves dissapointed.
this is completely acceptable. it can be an endless cycle (especially in romance) but it is a tollerable one. dissapointment is perfectly okay. hurtful...especially if one is fragile. i personally, am not. i deal well with things and i am glad of that. i dont fear disapointment. what i fear is number 2.
2) have your heart set on something and never finding it. (this is only part of it) but hindsight...realizing you fucked up because of it.
that is the worst feeling you can have. because it isnt that its not fair... its that you simply messed up. okay... say... you were to have your heart set on finding that movie romance. so in love...a flaw...over come...happily ever after type love. well...that is ALL you want... if something comes along and you dont SEE that exact thing happening you just let it go. reject it without thinking. then on your deathbed...your alone. you never found it. and you look back on your life and remember that person you rejected. you see them so clearly now...and there is something that was never there before. PERFECTION. everything you ever desired ever needed and ever longed for was RIGHT THERE and you let it slip away. but its to late. they're gone and there is no turning back and now your left with that mistake. your greed your foolishness. THAT is what i am afraid of. and you know why? it happened. and now i feel like such a jackass. and i hate it. living my own fear. ironic, no?
but enough of that...
second thing... well OF COURSE we have to mention the HOT GUY!! Brett -swoon- i never noticed him before...but the day before we left... WOOO!! i was like O_O iiiii wwwwaaaaaannnnnntttt hhhhiiiiiimmm!!! IVE PROBABLY SEEN HIM 470392793847097 TIMES! HE WENT TO CASSIES CHURCH!!;KDEWHKDH i felt stupid. but yeah. -drool- LoL. okay...im done with that...
So...for the last week ive been at my aunts. i learned 3 things this week.
1) jakii= allergic to cats... (not bad... ive been around them forever...but when there is 35 cats in the house shedding on the pillow you sleep on, couch you sit on, ect...im in hell.)
2)NEVER GET MARRIED (far to much bitching.)
3) my family is SO fucked up...
well basically...mon-tues we rented like...8 movies and watched them. (white noise SUCKED!!) wed...we did that all day...but then at like 9...we went to the drive in and saw War of the worlds. oooh man...it BLEW. tom cruise sucked! the effects sucked! the ending sucked! sucksucksucksucksuck!!!!! we didnt stay for mr and mrs smith... justin was falling asleep and it was freezing. i didnt care... i already saw it... then thur...i dont remember what we did XD
this is where it gets fun X.x (fuckers)
friday... i went to my grandparents house.
**my dad called me and yelled at me for blowing off my grandparents. they want to see me and i'm ignoring them...*rolls eyes...* so i planed to stay until sunday...**
darlene left me and justin and basically did nothing. of course my grandpa started his shit.
i dont mention this...but i am so pissed i dont care. my grandpa is an asshole. he verbally abuses my grandmother... ALL THE TIME. he is so cruel i have no idea how she stayed married to him...at all. but he is also cruel to me. he was to darlene...but he KNOWS better now. and he also KNOWS better than to treat me the way he does when darlene or my dad is around because they KNOW.
my grandfather is a sexist pig. he does not like women. they are to cook, to clean, to listen, to be silent, and to spread their legs to produce sons. well... jusin is PERFECT TO HIM. Justin is honest, innocent, helpful, useful, perfect, deserving, unappriciated, blah blah blah. thats how it is. so what am i?
i am a liar, a cheat, worthless, useless, abusive, spoiled, stupid, disrespectful, rebelling little whore.
he thinks that i ABUSE my brother. i treat him like SHIT! he thinks i make him do EVERYTHING. he thinks justin is walked all over by me. those are fucking lies. he calls ME the liar?! i love my brother. and i take care of him. i RAISED THE LITTLE BRAT! we dont even FIGHT anymore. sure... we argue about stupid stuff. we ARE human. it fucking happens. i dont EVER hurt him. where in the hell is he pulling thish BULLSHIT FROM?! *by the way... he has expressed these thoughts to me through the years...it isnt just what i think he thinks...these words are all his when backs are turned* anyways >.>
fun fact: my grandma asks justin to take the food scraps to the garden as we were about to begin a card game.he says "hold on. one game." well...i mean.. the games dont last long...well she didnt feel like waiting so she went and did it herself... well my grandpa walks in PISSED OFF! now...if my grandpa were not 99.9% insane... one would assume it would be at justin considering he did not do as he was told when he was told to do it. no. who was he angry at? ME. because... I played cards with him. umm....wtf? he said it takes 2 people to play cards...yuh...? so? well if i wasnt playing...he wouldnt be. and if he wasnt he would take out the garbage. >.> <.< umm... WHAT? sry2u? well...whatever. justin and i agree that he is losing his mind...
well sat...who should call but my...uhg...relative Deb. X.x -insert horror movie music here- she was going to come over...with...the family -crindge- i am ASHAMED to call them my relations. shanon came over...she looked gross...but shes nice... so... that was okay. with her came some 44 year old drug addict who had 10 kids with random men and her husband kicked her out...now she was living in the homes with shannon. so...
they also brought Dustin. #1 on the mutated kids list. he has epilepsy and frequently has seizures. he has a tube from his head down to his waist.you can see it though his skin. he recently had a seizure (for no reason?) in bed and fell off and busted his head and now has some braindamage... (more?)oh and he drools more than a dog. it is really gross. his nose runs so much but they never wipe it off...then he tries to crawl on you and its like STAY AWWWWAYAYAYYAYA! #2 is Vanessa...she looks wierd and she is VERY slow. she is 8 and JUST learned to count to ten. thats not that good...? they are brother and sister..there mother was also there. tonya. oh and she is a crack whore X.x she and shannon HATE each other yet they live together in the homes. yay for the homes? #3 is shannons baby, D.J. i will say this now... she is only 8 months old and i hate babies...but Dj is adorable! she has this pretty brown hair and these bright blue eyes. only..she is smaller than a normal infant...at 8 months old? she wont grow. Angelica was there too that day. she isnt messed up... but i she is really spoiled. sooo....yeah. also sean came. i forgot about him completely... with good reason X.x he looks like he hasnt bathed in a year. he is missing teeth...the ones he still has are rotten the is loud and...eww. i would be sooo embarrased to EVER be seen near him. deb came of course... and other people... i dont even know who they are. i dont WANT to know.
sooo they drove me nuts. -insert more of pappy's bullshit twice as bad as the day before and that is my day...-
sunday- woke up and grandparents went to their fucked up church. **btw...they HATE catholics and even though they are the closest thing one could EVER get to being catholic (Lutheren) they hate my mother because she is baptised catholic and so was justin and myself. he didnt even attend the baptism because of this...** so me and justin turned on the stereo and hung out. we did some macarena!! LoL. then we listened to LP as we played cards. when they came home my grandpa preached to me about hating my mom. hating catholics and about armagedon and shit... *rolls eyes* whatever...? then eventually me and justin were playing cards and we got into this argument... pappy throws a motherfucking fit. saying i am a liar and a cheater... after 10 years of his bullshit i am fed up. he told me that justin can throw a tempertantrum and accuse me but i CANNOT accuse back. he said if someone slaps me in my face i wont slap him back and i yelled "yeah right i wont. someone hits me im defending myself! i'll take them down. im not letting anyone walk over me. ESPECIALLY a man!" and my grandma looked up. she lets him control her. i hate it. so me and him battled it out for about 15 mins. i finally declared it useless. i wanted to cry soooo bad. but i dont like it when people see me cry out of emotion. very few people see me cry. if you have...congradulations...no one outside of my family usually sees me. and if you did...i must have been seriously distressed because ive learned to hold it in. well i decided right then that i dont need this shit. im not coming back. i went to my room and confessed it all to my best friend in the entire world. My notebook. more trustworthy and useful than any human i have ever met. ive lost my faith in humans lately. but i wont get into that. if you bothered to read this...you wouldnt understand anyways. your probably one of my 'friends'. anyways... darlene walked in...and right away my grandpa told her...kind-of what happened? he exaggerated. he lied. asshole.3 witnesses. i could say nothing. and no one else would for me. i wrote 25 pages. ranting. a lot of ranting. Lol. i cried. a lot. about a lot of things. that obviously...and i realized... i lost almost every single one of my friends. the ones i didnt... its changed. all of it. because i have. great time... X.x
well darlene took me to her house and i felt better. dennis agreed with me and supported my decision to not go back. he said he wish he didnt have to as well. Lol. then darlene agreed. o.o lol. soo...things were a bit better. i called my dad and told him that i wouldnt go back. i guess he understood. he said "okay." still i was bothered. i wrote a song about it... i couldnt sleep. not fond of it at all. i might not even post it on DA but i have like 10 new ones. many i would rather leave unheard. oh well.
today...got up and hung out with darlene again... then we went to Walmart....where i got me some alergy pills. YAY. then to taco bell...to le' mall. darlene bought me this guitar book. its insanely good. A ton of tips for absolutelty everything. its awesome. i cant wait to get my NEF ^.^ i put 75 dollahs on it this month!yay! it is sweeeeeeeeet. -sighs dreamily- i also got rainbow high and tithe...i read both but i have rainbow boys...and i loved tithe...sooooo yeah. when you have big pockets...things like that dont matter much. LoL. then back to here...where i talked to granny...then put her on the toilet then bed...then went swimming with jen and the crazed finger. then...played pretty pretty princess with them...then operation...then this! yay!
last night Jeremiah Ward called me and asked me to go to their bon fire. he is scary. very flirtacious...i think he wants to rape anything with a vagina. -runs away- did i even give gabby my number? how does he know it? im worried now.... >.> -shrugs- thats a lie. i dont care. but he is creepy.
im done. this is long.
this isnt really anything to do with it... but it happend AT creation...so anyways... >.>
i had this dream...it isnt ODD i guess to many people...but for me it is. I met this guy... this amazing guy and from the beginning we didnt get along...but then... we fell in love and it just seemed perfect. and i wasnt afraid...i wasnt afraid to have him around my family or anything... it was like... the kind of romance you would find in one of those cheesy romance movies... the kind of love people ALWAYS hope for. the kind i DON'T believe in. although...sometimes i do wonder... not for me of course. i have an explanation for this... i'll rant about it here for a min. cause...well...i will give some insight? so anyways...
well there are 2 things people do.
1) get their hopes up...then find themselves dissapointed.
this is completely acceptable. it can be an endless cycle (especially in romance) but it is a tollerable one. dissapointment is perfectly okay. hurtful...especially if one is fragile. i personally, am not. i deal well with things and i am glad of that. i dont fear disapointment. what i fear is number 2.
2) have your heart set on something and never finding it. (this is only part of it) but hindsight...realizing you fucked up because of it.
that is the worst feeling you can have. because it isnt that its not fair... its that you simply messed up. okay... say... you were to have your heart set on finding that movie romance. so in love...a flaw...over come...happily ever after type love. well...that is ALL you want... if something comes along and you dont SEE that exact thing happening you just let it go. reject it without thinking. then on your deathbed...your alone. you never found it. and you look back on your life and remember that person you rejected. you see them so clearly now...and there is something that was never there before. PERFECTION. everything you ever desired ever needed and ever longed for was RIGHT THERE and you let it slip away. but its to late. they're gone and there is no turning back and now your left with that mistake. your greed your foolishness. THAT is what i am afraid of. and you know why? it happened. and now i feel like such a jackass. and i hate it. living my own fear. ironic, no?
but enough of that...
second thing... well OF COURSE we have to mention the HOT GUY!! Brett -swoon- i never noticed him before...but the day before we left... WOOO!! i was like O_O iiiii wwwwaaaaaannnnnntttt hhhhiiiiiimmm!!! IVE PROBABLY SEEN HIM 470392793847097 TIMES! HE WENT TO CASSIES CHURCH!!;KDEWHKDH i felt stupid. but yeah. -drool- LoL. okay...im done with that...
So...for the last week ive been at my aunts. i learned 3 things this week.
1) jakii= allergic to cats... (not bad... ive been around them forever...but when there is 35 cats in the house shedding on the pillow you sleep on, couch you sit on, ect...im in hell.)
2)NEVER GET MARRIED (far to much bitching.)
3) my family is SO fucked up...
well basically...mon-tues we rented like...8 movies and watched them. (white noise SUCKED!!) wed...we did that all day...but then at like 9...we went to the drive in and saw War of the worlds. oooh man...it BLEW. tom cruise sucked! the effects sucked! the ending sucked! sucksucksucksucksuck!!!!! we didnt stay for mr and mrs smith... justin was falling asleep and it was freezing. i didnt care... i already saw it... then thur...i dont remember what we did XD
this is where it gets fun X.x (fuckers)
friday... i went to my grandparents house.
**my dad called me and yelled at me for blowing off my grandparents. they want to see me and i'm ignoring them...*rolls eyes...* so i planed to stay until sunday...**
darlene left me and justin and basically did nothing. of course my grandpa started his shit.
i dont mention this...but i am so pissed i dont care. my grandpa is an asshole. he verbally abuses my grandmother... ALL THE TIME. he is so cruel i have no idea how she stayed married to him...at all. but he is also cruel to me. he was to darlene...but he KNOWS better now. and he also KNOWS better than to treat me the way he does when darlene or my dad is around because they KNOW.
my grandfather is a sexist pig. he does not like women. they are to cook, to clean, to listen, to be silent, and to spread their legs to produce sons. well... jusin is PERFECT TO HIM. Justin is honest, innocent, helpful, useful, perfect, deserving, unappriciated, blah blah blah. thats how it is. so what am i?
i am a liar, a cheat, worthless, useless, abusive, spoiled, stupid, disrespectful, rebelling little whore.
he thinks that i ABUSE my brother. i treat him like SHIT! he thinks i make him do EVERYTHING. he thinks justin is walked all over by me. those are fucking lies. he calls ME the liar?! i love my brother. and i take care of him. i RAISED THE LITTLE BRAT! we dont even FIGHT anymore. sure... we argue about stupid stuff. we ARE human. it fucking happens. i dont EVER hurt him. where in the hell is he pulling thish BULLSHIT FROM?! *by the way... he has expressed these thoughts to me through the years...it isnt just what i think he thinks...these words are all his when backs are turned* anyways >.>
fun fact: my grandma asks justin to take the food scraps to the garden as we were about to begin a card game.he says "hold on. one game." well...i mean.. the games dont last long...well she didnt feel like waiting so she went and did it herself... well my grandpa walks in PISSED OFF! now...if my grandpa were not 99.9% insane... one would assume it would be at justin considering he did not do as he was told when he was told to do it. no. who was he angry at? ME. because... I played cards with him. umm....wtf? he said it takes 2 people to play cards...yuh...? so? well if i wasnt playing...he wouldnt be. and if he wasnt he would take out the garbage. >.> <.< umm... WHAT? sry2u? well...whatever. justin and i agree that he is losing his mind...
well sat...who should call but my...uhg...relative Deb. X.x -insert horror movie music here- she was going to come over...with...the family -crindge- i am ASHAMED to call them my relations. shanon came over...she looked gross...but shes nice... so... that was okay. with her came some 44 year old drug addict who had 10 kids with random men and her husband kicked her out...now she was living in the homes with shannon. so...
they also brought Dustin. #1 on the mutated kids list. he has epilepsy and frequently has seizures. he has a tube from his head down to his waist.you can see it though his skin. he recently had a seizure (for no reason?) in bed and fell off and busted his head and now has some braindamage... (more?)oh and he drools more than a dog. it is really gross. his nose runs so much but they never wipe it off...then he tries to crawl on you and its like STAY AWWWWAYAYAYYAYA! #2 is Vanessa...she looks wierd and she is VERY slow. she is 8 and JUST learned to count to ten. thats not that good...? they are brother and sister..there mother was also there. tonya. oh and she is a crack whore X.x she and shannon HATE each other yet they live together in the homes. yay for the homes? #3 is shannons baby, D.J. i will say this now... she is only 8 months old and i hate babies...but Dj is adorable! she has this pretty brown hair and these bright blue eyes. only..she is smaller than a normal infant...at 8 months old? she wont grow. Angelica was there too that day. she isnt messed up... but i she is really spoiled. sooo....yeah. also sean came. i forgot about him completely... with good reason X.x he looks like he hasnt bathed in a year. he is missing teeth...the ones he still has are rotten the is loud and...eww. i would be sooo embarrased to EVER be seen near him. deb came of course... and other people... i dont even know who they are. i dont WANT to know.
sooo they drove me nuts. -insert more of pappy's bullshit twice as bad as the day before and that is my day...-
sunday- woke up and grandparents went to their fucked up church. **btw...they HATE catholics and even though they are the closest thing one could EVER get to being catholic (Lutheren) they hate my mother because she is baptised catholic and so was justin and myself. he didnt even attend the baptism because of this...** so me and justin turned on the stereo and hung out. we did some macarena!! LoL. then we listened to LP as we played cards. when they came home my grandpa preached to me about hating my mom. hating catholics and about armagedon and shit... *rolls eyes* whatever...? then eventually me and justin were playing cards and we got into this argument... pappy throws a motherfucking fit. saying i am a liar and a cheater... after 10 years of his bullshit i am fed up. he told me that justin can throw a tempertantrum and accuse me but i CANNOT accuse back. he said if someone slaps me in my face i wont slap him back and i yelled "yeah right i wont. someone hits me im defending myself! i'll take them down. im not letting anyone walk over me. ESPECIALLY a man!" and my grandma looked up. she lets him control her. i hate it. so me and him battled it out for about 15 mins. i finally declared it useless. i wanted to cry soooo bad. but i dont like it when people see me cry out of emotion. very few people see me cry. if you have...congradulations...no one outside of my family usually sees me. and if you did...i must have been seriously distressed because ive learned to hold it in. well i decided right then that i dont need this shit. im not coming back. i went to my room and confessed it all to my best friend in the entire world. My notebook. more trustworthy and useful than any human i have ever met. ive lost my faith in humans lately. but i wont get into that. if you bothered to read this...you wouldnt understand anyways. your probably one of my 'friends'. anyways... darlene walked in...and right away my grandpa told her...kind-of what happened? he exaggerated. he lied. asshole.3 witnesses. i could say nothing. and no one else would for me. i wrote 25 pages. ranting. a lot of ranting. Lol. i cried. a lot. about a lot of things. that obviously...and i realized... i lost almost every single one of my friends. the ones i didnt... its changed. all of it. because i have. great time... X.x
well darlene took me to her house and i felt better. dennis agreed with me and supported my decision to not go back. he said he wish he didnt have to as well. Lol. then darlene agreed. o.o lol. soo...things were a bit better. i called my dad and told him that i wouldnt go back. i guess he understood. he said "okay." still i was bothered. i wrote a song about it... i couldnt sleep. not fond of it at all. i might not even post it on DA but i have like 10 new ones. many i would rather leave unheard. oh well.
today...got up and hung out with darlene again... then we went to Walmart....where i got me some alergy pills. YAY. then to taco bell...to le' mall. darlene bought me this guitar book. its insanely good. A ton of tips for absolutelty everything. its awesome. i cant wait to get my NEF ^.^ i put 75 dollahs on it this month!yay! it is sweeeeeeeeet. -sighs dreamily- i also got rainbow high and tithe...i read both but i have rainbow boys...and i loved tithe...sooooo yeah. when you have big pockets...things like that dont matter much. LoL. then back to here...where i talked to granny...then put her on the toilet then bed...then went swimming with jen and the crazed finger. then...played pretty pretty princess with them...then operation...then this! yay!
last night Jeremiah Ward called me and asked me to go to their bon fire. he is scary. very flirtacious...i think he wants to rape anything with a vagina. -runs away- did i even give gabby my number? how does he know it? im worried now.... >.> -shrugs- thats a lie. i dont care. but he is creepy.
im done. this is long.