why must I be so mean?
so why am I violent towards men in my dreams? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something. I am angry with men? Well really its only the black men I seem to fight with. I dunno. I have a dream last night that this black guy stole my purse and he and his firend chased me down and in the meantime I had thrown wracks full of clothes at them and jumped out windows adn such. good grief I was so tired when I woke up from running and ducking and jumping that it could well have been real. I need to forgive Shepherd. I think this is reluctant forgiveness waiting to be gived.
I read other peoples journals and then I want to sound smart in my journal so that pther people can think how smart I am when they read mine. And then I realise that only 2 people if ever, read my journal and I like to think they love me anyway, no matter ow smart or stipud I sound.
On other news (I stole that from a guy whose journal I just read)... I exchanged I love you's and God bless you's with Dad on the phone yesterday!!! wow its a miracle. praise God! I couldn't believe it at first and when I said it I was so nervouse I could have pissed myself (okay, I know that's really crude and it sounds nothing like anything I would ever saybut its late and I am sick and I am trying to say is taht I was scared, really scared in case he didn't say it back or mumbled it under his breath or said, "Me too", you know. I was more scared than the first time a boy ever said it to me and there have been several - whether they knew what they were saying or not is another matter altogether.)
Saviour wrote me an email today!!! Its beena while and I was half thinking he doesn't want to be friends anymore when I called and called and he never picked up. Anyway, since cardle called and it all came out I have had a new heart about when men don't answer my calls. I know that it doesn't always mean they don't care anymore - or that it ever means that at all. It could be that they were just going through it at that time or didn't have money for airtime or werre caught up or depressed and loved me too much from a distance to reach out and not find me there. so I am free of those fears now. Another miracle giving that I have lived the last 5 years with the denilitating insecurity that silence means I love you not. That is a lie from the accuser! I lie I no longer have to live with. Amen.
Well, bed time now. I am sick and need to get well pronto (like the ninja turtles, dude) so I can study for exams. AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Okay, no violent dreams of beating men to a pulp who are chasing you, okay. Thank you. Maybe a proce charming and a happy ending would be nice failing which any happy thought at all would be perfectly acceptable.
night!
croak croak
I read other peoples journals and then I want to sound smart in my journal so that pther people can think how smart I am when they read mine. And then I realise that only 2 people if ever, read my journal and I like to think they love me anyway, no matter ow smart or stipud I sound.
On other news (I stole that from a guy whose journal I just read)... I exchanged I love you's and God bless you's with Dad on the phone yesterday!!! wow its a miracle. praise God! I couldn't believe it at first and when I said it I was so nervouse I could have pissed myself (okay, I know that's really crude and it sounds nothing like anything I would ever saybut its late and I am sick and I am trying to say is taht I was scared, really scared in case he didn't say it back or mumbled it under his breath or said, "Me too", you know. I was more scared than the first time a boy ever said it to me and there have been several - whether they knew what they were saying or not is another matter altogether.)
Saviour wrote me an email today!!! Its beena while and I was half thinking he doesn't want to be friends anymore when I called and called and he never picked up. Anyway, since cardle called and it all came out I have had a new heart about when men don't answer my calls. I know that it doesn't always mean they don't care anymore - or that it ever means that at all. It could be that they were just going through it at that time or didn't have money for airtime or werre caught up or depressed and loved me too much from a distance to reach out and not find me there. so I am free of those fears now. Another miracle giving that I have lived the last 5 years with the denilitating insecurity that silence means I love you not. That is a lie from the accuser! I lie I no longer have to live with. Amen.
Well, bed time now. I am sick and need to get well pronto (like the ninja turtles, dude) so I can study for exams. AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Okay, no violent dreams of beating men to a pulp who are chasing you, okay. Thank you. Maybe a proce charming and a happy ending would be nice failing which any happy thought at all would be perfectly acceptable.
night!
croak croak