Battered B. J.
So...this started as a weird thing in comments on deathscytheheck's journal, about how Eli Roth and B. J. Novak had (made-up) sex on the set of Inglourious Basterds, and then that went to Omar and B. J. having sex, which seems more likely, and there are tire irons involved. This post is most of what we wrote or texted, along with grammar_glamour, and it includes copious amounts of pictures and accompanying videos.
It's called Battered B. J..
It is definitely NSFW, as there is naked Eli Roth and filthy, filthy talk, and it starts with our "discussion" of Eli and B. J.'s Nylon photoshoot before moving onto Omar and B. J.
Disclaimer: This is not meant to accurately represent Omar Doom, B. J. Novak, or Eli Roth. It is a work of fiction. We love the actors, and we choose to express our affection in silly fangirl ways.
deathscytheheck: That shark is going into his crotch.
pellnell: OM NOM NOM I EAT YOU UP.
deathscytheheck: IS THAT A SHARK IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
pellnell: YOU BET IT IS. HEY, LET’S GO EYEFUCK OVER BY THESE TREES.
deathscytheheck: THIS WATERING CAN IS ACTUALLY MY PENIS, GUYS. IT’S A VISUAL METAPHOR FOR MY COCK.
pellnell: B. J., YOU’RE A VISUAL METAPHOR FOR MY COCK.
deathscytheheck YOUR COCK IS SHORT.
pellnell: YEAH, YOURS IS LONGER, STFU. YOU LOVE MY FUCKING POP CAN.
deathscytheheck FLAGPOOOOLE! IT'S NOT THE SIZE IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.
deathscytheheck SHARKPANTS!
pellnell: DUDE, SHARKPANTS JUST MAKES ME THINK OF THIS AWFUL GERMAN FILM CALLED SHARK: ATTACK IN THE MEDITERRANEAN. SHARK ALARM!
deathscytheheck: I hate that my brain is totally going to the rpf place, with this and like, non-con play in a trailer somewhere. With dirty talk and ropes. The makeup artists get all pissed about having to cover up rope burn all over the place.
pellnell: I can totally picture QT being slightly concerned and like sitting B. J. down to talk to him. UM, SO THE PROP GUY TOLD ME THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THE HANDCUFFS FROM THE LAST SCENE AND I NOTICED THERE ARE SOME WEIRD MARKS ON YOUR ARMS.
deathscytheheck: IKR? And meanwhile Omar is bribing the makeup crew to cover up bite marks.
pellnell: B. J.’s like, I REALLY THINK IT WORKS FOR MY CHARACTER TO HAVE A BLACK EYE HERE.
deathscytheheck: And QT finally holds a round table and is all, ALRIGHT THAT IS IT. CHASTITY BELT TIME, BOYS.
pellnell: When they sneak on-set and break one of the prop sinks because they’re fucking on it, QT’s like, IT WASN’T EVEN FUCKING BOLTED TO THE WALL. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
deathscytheheck: And the continuity supervisors have a secret tally going of the number of times they have to make them get the leaves out of their hair between shots. OFFICE OLYMPICS BUT WITH LESS OFFICE, MORE WOODS AND DICK.
pellnell: You know I make B. J. Novak insanely hot. He's easy and everybody wants him.
deathscytheheck: I think it is. I think you're right. He's still not my type, but he's so adorable and femme-y and you know Omar is like, waiting outside his trailer with some rope and possibly a tire iron.
pellnell: OMG TIRE IRON-- JIZZ IN MY PANTS. I don't know why that's a sexy image- him with all these fucked-up robber-type weapons- but it is.
deathscytheheck: Yeah, Omar totally waits outside B.J.'s trailer with a tire iron and some rope, and B.J. wakes up in some empty sound stage somewhere, tied to a chair all like DUDE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY FUCKING TIME. YOU CAN JUST ASK.
pellnell: I like the idea of B. J. being all, like, easy-going and shit about downplaying Omar's aberrant behavior. WELL, HEY THERE, OMAR, I NOTICED YOU HAD AN ERECTION DURING THAT SCENE. I HAD ONE AS WELL.
deathscytheheck: THERE IS A SHARK IN MY PANTS AND I AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU. And then they get to explain to QT why B.J. has tire-iron-shaped bruises. Omar is like I NEEDED A QUICK SERVICING AND JIFFY LUBE WAS FULL UP. WHAT.
pellnell: I WALKED INTO A DOOR.
deathscytheheck: Guuuuuh I love hate that like, Omar/B.J. kidnap!kink is now an official RPF. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! Whatever it is, it's amazing. LUBE WHAT LUBE?
pellnell: Dude, they were/are totally fucking. You know Omar brings in his music on set and has B. J. listen to it on headphones, and B. J. tries not to say douchey things about it. YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S REALLY COOL, SO COCK NOW?
deathscytheheck: I BET B.J. SECRETLY COOKS FOR THEM. Like. Supersecretly. Because he's just a little girly like that, idek where that came from but it's happening now, I feel it. Only, it's like, Cup Noodles on a hot plate he hides in his trailer. THAT KIND OF COOKING. And it's absolutely an excuse to get Omar to hang around more. For the penis.
pellnell: Omar just smiles as he eats his half-cooked ramen, all nice, until they actually start taking their clothes off, and then he's like, YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING PAY FOR THAT NASTY HALF-FROZEN HOT POCKET SHIT.
deathscytheheck:...And then B.J. can't decide whether or not it was actually his agenda in the first place to piss off Omar via processed food items.
pellnell:...my mind just went to this dark place where B. J. made intentionally awful food because he wanted to set Omar off, and while they're having sex, one or both of them invoke his battered women jokes.
deathscytheheck: I'm picturing them laughing to hard to actually have sex. And then someone ends up tied with the hot plate cord. Improvisation and all that.
deathscytheheck: I have this image lodged in my head of B. J. and Omar and rope and a tire iron and it keeps sending me into v. unprofessional giggling fits.
pellnell: B. J. would totally hike up his shirt intentionally to flash Omar his bruises from across the set.
deathscytheheck: And making with the sex eyes all over the place while Eli walks by, making gagging noises.
pellnell: But secretly, Eli makes inappropriate cock gestures with his bat unconsciously when he watches them. He loves the tire iron.
deathscytheheck: Yeah, Eli has a special relationship with that bat. And then one nite, B. J. and Omar manage to sneak off with it. Which leads to angry threesome of retribution.
pellnell: It’s totally awkward on set for a week after. QT’s like, DAMMIT ELI, YOU NEED TO LOOK OMAR IN THE EYE. B. J. just laughs to himself.
deathscytheheck: I totally see B. J. topping Eli. IDK why or how it makes sense and if Eli doesn’t get off on violence, then I’m missing something.
pellnell: B. J. has always been a top. Eli seduces him in his trailer, I LOVE YOUR SHITTY FOOD, LITTLE MAN, he says while he licks his teeth and slaps his ass and shit.
deathscytheheck: B. J.’s definitely a biter. The next day, Omar has this knowing grin when he sees Eli sneaking into the makeup tent early with a bloody lip.
pellnell: QT is like, FUCK DID YOU GET INTO A FIGHT WITH THE GUY FROM SAW AGAIN? And Eli just says, NO IT WAS THAT DICK FROM THE OFFICE.
deathscytheheck: While B. J. just watches him with filthy eyes and the next fuck he gets out of Omar involves a lot more snark and heavy rope burn.
pellnell: Omar is so angry, he makes B. J. only play his music in the trailer and Omar totally ties him down on the cheap bed with prop rope and string like in Gulliver.
deathscytheheck: And the whole time they’re fucking, he moans the details of fucking Eli against Omar’s mouth and his neck and the next day there’s another bloody lip on set.
pellnell: The makeup bitches are concerned and start crying because they didn’t know what to do when they’ve all got purple bruises.
deathscytheheck: QT is finally all OKAY INVERVENTION TIME IS NOW and shows up with a lock box for the rope and bat and tire iron.
pellnell: Omar tries to hide his handcuffs in his shirt but B. J. sees him and gives him a funny trouble look.
deathscytheheck: They have to do about 50 takes of the theater bathroom scene ‘cos Eli can’t stop cracking filthy jokes under his breath at Omar, just to watch him squirm.
pellnell: You know B. J.’s done filthy things in his trailer. They totally steal fake guns from set and act out hostage scenarios, B. J. tied to a chair.
deathscytheheck: Pistol whipping and barrel licking. USE YOUR MOUTH ON THE SEMI AUTOMATIC TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU WANT.
pellnell: The next day, Brad is like, UGH WHAT IS THIS SHIT ON HERE? Eli just glowers because he knows it’s Omar’s spunk.
deathscytheheck: Later on, he corners B. J. and gives him a wrapped present of Handi Wipes, all like, AND I THOUGHT MY MIND WENT DISTURBING PLACES GEEZ YOU GUYS.
pellnell: Dude, he probably has weird cleaning fetishes and shit like washing B. J.’s mouth out with soap before and after sex.
deathscytheheck: Like after, B. J. stumbles out of Eli’s trailer, he beelines for Omar like GIVE ME A MINT OR GUM OR ANYTHING, FUCK SOAP.
pellnell: And Omar makes some sick joke like, COCK IN YOUR MOUTH? IT TASTES BETTER THAN YOUR FUCKING COOKING.
deathscytheheck: And B. J.’s like, NO IT’S FUCKING SOAP AND ELI IS A TWATWAFFLE, GIVE ME YOUR TIC-TACS.
pellnell: And then Omar shoves them down his throat and there is lots of breathplay.
deathscytheheck: Breathplay leading to B. J.’s mouth on his neck while he compares and contrasts Omar and Eli just to watch Omar lose it.
pellnell: The next day Omar comes to work pissed and starts wailing on Eli during the premiere scenes and QT says, FUCK IT and like throws a chair.
deathscytheheck: QT is all, YOU TWO ARE A PART OF MY POSSE OF BITCHES BUT ALL I DO IS BRING IN ONE PRETTY BISEXUAL AND THERE’S JIZZ ALL OVER THE PROPS AND MAKEUP IS ALL CRYING.
pellnell: And so the two of them are sullen like Edward Cullen the rest of the day, but B. J. keeps acting like he gets off on the blood on their sleeves.
deathscytheheck: B. J. who isn’t even like in scenes that day, standing off the side and making filthy eyes at them both.
pellnell: What a dirty bisexual slut! He licks that shit off Eli’s fingers at the end of the day like, FUCK, IT TASTES LIKE SEX.
deathscytheheck: Our B. J. is kind of a ho. I love it. And I don’t care how straight Eli is- he’d be hotter than whoa fucking B. J. through a wall.
pellnell: He loves cock- in our heads and IRL- and you know he fantasizes about being fucked into a wall by Eli, and he likes the faux-rape Omar perpetuates.
pellnell: Oh my god, what with B. J.’s giant schlong, Omar and Eli sadly sing Male Prima Donna at home alone.
grammar_glamour: While drinking red wine.
pellnell: And leaning dejectedly over the couch.
grammar_glamour: Eli would only be wearing a bathrobe and a pair of WORLD’S BEST DAD boxers that he got at Target for 50 c in college. Omar would wear a t-shirt. No unders.
deathscytheheck: I bet Eli has a collection of wtf boxers, just ‘cos he can.
pellnell: At one point, he wrote B. J.’s name on his white undies, but he dyed them black when they had a falling out.
deathscytheheck: I can totally see Eli practically destroying his trailer, trying to dye man panties.
pellnell: He furiously breaks out the Rit dye to remove B. J.’s name.
pellnell: Back in drunk land, they just lay there and sing in low drunk voices, YOU’RE A MALE PRIMA DONNA BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT WANT YA, I’M AN INDEPENDENT DIVA BUT I STILL KINDA NEED YA.
grammar_glamour: Oh god, the thought is breaking my heart.
pellnell: Omar finishes the bottle and is like, DUDE LET’S CALL HIM.
pellnell: Eli half-heartedly tries to talk Omar out of calling, IT’S NOT WORTH IT, MAN.
deathscytheheck: B. J. answers and he throws a fucking tantrum ‘cos Omar is shitfaced and Eli keeps giggling and yelling CALL HIM A PENIS and B. J. is all WTF ARE YOU DOING W/ HIM.
grammar_glamour: Like, B. J. is in his hotel room, in a scented bath, reading The Fountainhead, and Omar calls him and is all, YOU ARE A LITTLE BISH, A BISH FOR MAKING ME HOT POCKETS AND THEN FUCKING ELI, and B. J. is like, I THOUGHT MUSLIMS DIDN’T DRINK.
pellnell: There’s like foreign mumbling on B. J.’s end and Eli is listening in on speakerphone and starts yelling, IS JOHN KRASINSKI IN YOUR FUCKING HOTEL ROOM?
deathscytheheck: And B. J. is like, YES AND HE GIVES BETTER HEAD THAN BOTH OF YOU. And then he gets hit in the head with a pillow by the straight guy.
pellnell: But Eli takes it so fucking seriously and is like, LET JIM SUCK YOUR FREAKISHLY LONG COCK THEN! and hangs Omar’s phone up.
deathscytheheck: And Omar just laughs at him and throws the empty bottle at his head.
pellnell: He’s like, DON’T WORRY, ELI, I’VE GOT EXTRA ROPE FOR WHEN WE SEE HIM TOMORROW.
deathscytheheck: Omar has friends at the local hardware store.
pellnell: BACK SO SOON, MR. DOOM? JUST SAW YA TWO DAYS AGO.
deathscytheheck: He’s like, THAT LITTLE BITCH KEEPS PALMING KNIVES AND SAWING THROUGH IT!
pellnell: We have taken Omar to this very dark place.
deathscytheheck: Somehow I think he’d be flattered.
pellnell: You need to watch Glee. I imagine B. J. totally tries to get Eli to watch it, DUDE IT’S GOOD LIKE ELECTION.
deathscytheheck: Now I’m just picturing B. J. and Eli making out and fighting over watching Glee or Hostel.
pellnell: B. J. plays the songs on full blast in the car and says IT’S BETTER THAN MILEY CYRUS.
deathscytheheck: Eli threatens to start bringing out the Hostel props if he doesn’t stfu.
pellnell: Omar is like, YOU’RE RIGHT B. J. BUT I STILL WANT TO BEAT YOUR FUCKING FACE IN.
deathscytheheck: After the filming is done, they all disappear for a week and just tear into one another.
pellnell: It’s totally porntastic when they do, like a bad 80s video approximation of good sex. Lots of moaning and simultaneous orgasms.
deathscytheheck: And lots and lots of bad Bear Jew puns.
pellnell>: And like, FUCK B. J. NOT-SO-LITTLE MAN, Omar unfs.
deathscytheheck: And B. J. just sings to piss him off.
pellnell: Dude, B. J. has memorized the dancing. He’s a triple-threat.
deathscytheheck: A TRIPLE THREAT TO OMAR’S MANHOOD.
pellnell: Eli threatens to post naked pictures of them on Twitter.
deathscytheheck: He totally already posted pictures of B. J. tied to a chair.
pellnell: Omar tries to blackmail him with pictures of his cock but B. J. is not even fazed, like I WANT THOSE MYSPACE BITCHES TO STARE AT MY JUNK.
deathscytheheck: Speaking of cock and B. J., I’m watching the Women’s Appreciation ep of The Office and the penis jokes omg the penis jokes. I’m so in love with Ryan, so in love. And this ep has a TIRE IRON.
pellnell: When he wants to tease Omar, he fake-romantic talks, THAT TIRE IRON WAS A SIGN THAT I’D MEET YOU BABE, he says when he tops.
deathscytheheck: Why on earth is that so hot? Like fake sweet talk wtf. And Omar just starts trying to wrestle out from under him.
pellnell: It just is hot. Eli is listening at the door with a cup, muttering FUCK YOU to himself.
deathscytheheck: He sneaks polaroids thru the trailer window and tacks them up in random places.
pellnell: Omar’s like, NICE ANGLE ON THAT, DUDE, BUT TRY TO GET MORE OF MY DICK AND B. J.’S BRUISES NEXT TIME.
deathscytheheck: Eli is like, DUDE THERE ISN’T ANY MORE OF YOUR DICK! And Omar steals the camera and hits him with it.
pellnell: B. J. just shakes his head and says, GOD I AM SO READY TO GO BACK TO MINDY.
deathscytheheck: Mindy totally thinks it’s hot.
pellnell: She is a secret Doom fangirl.
deathscytheheck: Who fucking isn’t?
deathscytheheck: OH MY GOD RYAN FRAUD HANDCUFFS!
pellnell: Omar Doom wanks to it at home.
deathscytheheck: Fuck so do I…just saying.
pellnell: Yes but you don’t call B. J. during and hang on the line, breathing heavy.
deathscytheheck: B. J. just SIGHS and is all YOU BETTER STAY ON THE LINE TIL YOU COME, FUCKFACE.
pellnell: B. J. texts Eli while this is happening, like, SHARK ALARM! I AM JACKING OFF WITH THAT HUGE DICK YOU LOVE SO MUCH.
deathscytheheck: SHARK ALARM! While Omar thinks about doing lines of coke off B. J.’s stomach through a ten dollar bill.
pellnell: Oops rusty pipes!
deathscytheheck: Omar just tells him to blame it on the tire iron. SHOW ME YOUR BRUISES, BABY.
Holy shit, that took forever to format, bbs.
It's called Battered B. J..
It is definitely NSFW, as there is naked Eli Roth and filthy, filthy talk, and it starts with our "discussion" of Eli and B. J.'s Nylon photoshoot before moving onto Omar and B. J.
Disclaimer: This is not meant to accurately represent Omar Doom, B. J. Novak, or Eli Roth. It is a work of fiction. We love the actors, and we choose to express our affection in silly fangirl ways.
deathscytheheck: That shark is going into his crotch.
pellnell: OM NOM NOM I EAT YOU UP.
deathscytheheck: IS THAT A SHARK IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
pellnell: YOU BET IT IS. HEY, LET’S GO EYEFUCK OVER BY THESE TREES.
deathscytheheck: THIS WATERING CAN IS ACTUALLY MY PENIS, GUYS. IT’S A VISUAL METAPHOR FOR MY COCK.
pellnell: B. J., YOU’RE A VISUAL METAPHOR FOR MY COCK.
deathscytheheck YOUR COCK IS SHORT.
pellnell: YEAH, YOURS IS LONGER, STFU. YOU LOVE MY FUCKING POP CAN.
deathscytheheck FLAGPOOOOLE! IT'S NOT THE SIZE IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT.
deathscytheheck SHARKPANTS!
pellnell: DUDE, SHARKPANTS JUST MAKES ME THINK OF THIS AWFUL GERMAN FILM CALLED SHARK: ATTACK IN THE MEDITERRANEAN. SHARK ALARM!
Click to viewdeathscytheheck: I hate that my brain is totally going to the rpf place, with this and like, non-con play in a trailer somewhere. With dirty talk and ropes. The makeup artists get all pissed about having to cover up rope burn all over the place.
pellnell: I can totally picture QT being slightly concerned and like sitting B. J. down to talk to him. UM, SO THE PROP GUY TOLD ME THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE TAKEN THE HANDCUFFS FROM THE LAST SCENE AND I NOTICED THERE ARE SOME WEIRD MARKS ON YOUR ARMS.
deathscytheheck: IKR? And meanwhile Omar is bribing the makeup crew to cover up bite marks.
pellnell: B. J.’s like, I REALLY THINK IT WORKS FOR MY CHARACTER TO HAVE A BLACK EYE HERE.
deathscytheheck: And QT finally holds a round table and is all, ALRIGHT THAT IS IT. CHASTITY BELT TIME, BOYS.
pellnell: When they sneak on-set and break one of the prop sinks because they’re fucking on it, QT’s like, IT WASN’T EVEN FUCKING BOLTED TO THE WALL. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
deathscytheheck: And the continuity supervisors have a secret tally going of the number of times they have to make them get the leaves out of their hair between shots. OFFICE OLYMPICS BUT WITH LESS OFFICE, MORE WOODS AND DICK.
pellnell: You know I make B. J. Novak insanely hot. He's easy and everybody wants him.
deathscytheheck: I think it is. I think you're right. He's still not my type, but he's so adorable and femme-y and you know Omar is like, waiting outside his trailer with some rope and possibly a tire iron.
pellnell: OMG TIRE IRON-- JIZZ IN MY PANTS. I don't know why that's a sexy image- him with all these fucked-up robber-type weapons- but it is.
deathscytheheck: Yeah, Omar totally waits outside B.J.'s trailer with a tire iron and some rope, and B.J. wakes up in some empty sound stage somewhere, tied to a chair all like DUDE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY FUCKING TIME. YOU CAN JUST ASK.
pellnell: I like the idea of B. J. being all, like, easy-going and shit about downplaying Omar's aberrant behavior. WELL, HEY THERE, OMAR, I NOTICED YOU HAD AN ERECTION DURING THAT SCENE. I HAD ONE AS WELL.
deathscytheheck: THERE IS A SHARK IN MY PANTS AND I AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU. And then they get to explain to QT why B.J. has tire-iron-shaped bruises. Omar is like I NEEDED A QUICK SERVICING AND JIFFY LUBE WAS FULL UP. WHAT.
pellnell: I WALKED INTO A DOOR.
deathscytheheck: Guuuuuh I love hate that like, Omar/B.J. kidnap!kink is now an official RPF. WHAT ARE WE DOING?! Whatever it is, it's amazing. LUBE WHAT LUBE?
pellnell: Dude, they were/are totally fucking. You know Omar brings in his music on set and has B. J. listen to it on headphones, and B. J. tries not to say douchey things about it. YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S REALLY COOL, SO COCK NOW?
deathscytheheck: I BET B.J. SECRETLY COOKS FOR THEM. Like. Supersecretly. Because he's just a little girly like that, idek where that came from but it's happening now, I feel it. Only, it's like, Cup Noodles on a hot plate he hides in his trailer. THAT KIND OF COOKING. And it's absolutely an excuse to get Omar to hang around more. For the penis.
pellnell: Omar just smiles as he eats his half-cooked ramen, all nice, until they actually start taking their clothes off, and then he's like, YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING PAY FOR THAT NASTY HALF-FROZEN HOT POCKET SHIT.
deathscytheheck:...And then B.J. can't decide whether or not it was actually his agenda in the first place to piss off Omar via processed food items.
pellnell:...my mind just went to this dark place where B. J. made intentionally awful food because he wanted to set Omar off, and while they're having sex, one or both of them invoke his battered women jokes.
deathscytheheck: I'm picturing them laughing to hard to actually have sex. And then someone ends up tied with the hot plate cord. Improvisation and all that.
deathscytheheck: I have this image lodged in my head of B. J. and Omar and rope and a tire iron and it keeps sending me into v. unprofessional giggling fits.
pellnell: B. J. would totally hike up his shirt intentionally to flash Omar his bruises from across the set.
deathscytheheck: And making with the sex eyes all over the place while Eli walks by, making gagging noises.
pellnell: But secretly, Eli makes inappropriate cock gestures with his bat unconsciously when he watches them. He loves the tire iron.
deathscytheheck: Yeah, Eli has a special relationship with that bat. And then one nite, B. J. and Omar manage to sneak off with it. Which leads to angry threesome of retribution.
pellnell: It’s totally awkward on set for a week after. QT’s like, DAMMIT ELI, YOU NEED TO LOOK OMAR IN THE EYE. B. J. just laughs to himself.
deathscytheheck: I totally see B. J. topping Eli. IDK why or how it makes sense and if Eli doesn’t get off on violence, then I’m missing something.
pellnell: B. J. has always been a top. Eli seduces him in his trailer, I LOVE YOUR SHITTY FOOD, LITTLE MAN, he says while he licks his teeth and slaps his ass and shit.
deathscytheheck: B. J.’s definitely a biter. The next day, Omar has this knowing grin when he sees Eli sneaking into the makeup tent early with a bloody lip.
pellnell: QT is like, FUCK DID YOU GET INTO A FIGHT WITH THE GUY FROM SAW AGAIN? And Eli just says, NO IT WAS THAT DICK FROM THE OFFICE.
deathscytheheck: While B. J. just watches him with filthy eyes and the next fuck he gets out of Omar involves a lot more snark and heavy rope burn.
pellnell: Omar is so angry, he makes B. J. only play his music in the trailer and Omar totally ties him down on the cheap bed with prop rope and string like in Gulliver.
deathscytheheck: And the whole time they’re fucking, he moans the details of fucking Eli against Omar’s mouth and his neck and the next day there’s another bloody lip on set.
pellnell: The makeup bitches are concerned and start crying because they didn’t know what to do when they’ve all got purple bruises.
deathscytheheck: QT is finally all OKAY INVERVENTION TIME IS NOW and shows up with a lock box for the rope and bat and tire iron.
pellnell: Omar tries to hide his handcuffs in his shirt but B. J. sees him and gives him a funny trouble look.
deathscytheheck: They have to do about 50 takes of the theater bathroom scene ‘cos Eli can’t stop cracking filthy jokes under his breath at Omar, just to watch him squirm.
pellnell: You know B. J.’s done filthy things in his trailer. They totally steal fake guns from set and act out hostage scenarios, B. J. tied to a chair.
deathscytheheck: Pistol whipping and barrel licking. USE YOUR MOUTH ON THE SEMI AUTOMATIC TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU WANT.
pellnell: The next day, Brad is like, UGH WHAT IS THIS SHIT ON HERE? Eli just glowers because he knows it’s Omar’s spunk.
deathscytheheck: Later on, he corners B. J. and gives him a wrapped present of Handi Wipes, all like, AND I THOUGHT MY MIND WENT DISTURBING PLACES GEEZ YOU GUYS.
pellnell: Dude, he probably has weird cleaning fetishes and shit like washing B. J.’s mouth out with soap before and after sex.
deathscytheheck: Like after, B. J. stumbles out of Eli’s trailer, he beelines for Omar like GIVE ME A MINT OR GUM OR ANYTHING, FUCK SOAP.
pellnell: And Omar makes some sick joke like, COCK IN YOUR MOUTH? IT TASTES BETTER THAN YOUR FUCKING COOKING.
deathscytheheck: And B. J.’s like, NO IT’S FUCKING SOAP AND ELI IS A TWATWAFFLE, GIVE ME YOUR TIC-TACS.
pellnell: And then Omar shoves them down his throat and there is lots of breathplay.
deathscytheheck: Breathplay leading to B. J.’s mouth on his neck while he compares and contrasts Omar and Eli just to watch Omar lose it.
pellnell: The next day Omar comes to work pissed and starts wailing on Eli during the premiere scenes and QT says, FUCK IT and like throws a chair.
deathscytheheck: QT is all, YOU TWO ARE A PART OF MY POSSE OF BITCHES BUT ALL I DO IS BRING IN ONE PRETTY BISEXUAL AND THERE’S JIZZ ALL OVER THE PROPS AND MAKEUP IS ALL CRYING.
pellnell: And so the two of them are sullen like Edward Cullen the rest of the day, but B. J. keeps acting like he gets off on the blood on their sleeves.
deathscytheheck: B. J. who isn’t even like in scenes that day, standing off the side and making filthy eyes at them both.
pellnell: What a dirty bisexual slut! He licks that shit off Eli’s fingers at the end of the day like, FUCK, IT TASTES LIKE SEX.
deathscytheheck: Our B. J. is kind of a ho. I love it. And I don’t care how straight Eli is- he’d be hotter than whoa fucking B. J. through a wall.
pellnell: He loves cock- in our heads and IRL- and you know he fantasizes about being fucked into a wall by Eli, and he likes the faux-rape Omar perpetuates.
pellnell: Oh my god, what with B. J.’s giant schlong, Omar and Eli sadly sing Male Prima Donna at home alone.
grammar_glamour: While drinking red wine.
pellnell: And leaning dejectedly over the couch.
grammar_glamour: Eli would only be wearing a bathrobe and a pair of WORLD’S BEST DAD boxers that he got at Target for 50 c in college. Omar would wear a t-shirt. No unders.
deathscytheheck: I bet Eli has a collection of wtf boxers, just ‘cos he can.
pellnell: At one point, he wrote B. J.’s name on his white undies, but he dyed them black when they had a falling out.
deathscytheheck: I can totally see Eli practically destroying his trailer, trying to dye man panties.
pellnell: He furiously breaks out the Rit dye to remove B. J.’s name.
pellnell: Back in drunk land, they just lay there and sing in low drunk voices, YOU’RE A MALE PRIMA DONNA BUT I CAN’T HELP BUT WANT YA, I’M AN INDEPENDENT DIVA BUT I STILL KINDA NEED YA.
grammar_glamour: Oh god, the thought is breaking my heart.
pellnell: Omar finishes the bottle and is like, DUDE LET’S CALL HIM.
pellnell: Eli half-heartedly tries to talk Omar out of calling, IT’S NOT WORTH IT, MAN.
deathscytheheck: B. J. answers and he throws a fucking tantrum ‘cos Omar is shitfaced and Eli keeps giggling and yelling CALL HIM A PENIS and B. J. is all WTF ARE YOU DOING W/ HIM.
grammar_glamour: Like, B. J. is in his hotel room, in a scented bath, reading The Fountainhead, and Omar calls him and is all, YOU ARE A LITTLE BISH, A BISH FOR MAKING ME HOT POCKETS AND THEN FUCKING ELI, and B. J. is like, I THOUGHT MUSLIMS DIDN’T DRINK.
pellnell: There’s like foreign mumbling on B. J.’s end and Eli is listening in on speakerphone and starts yelling, IS JOHN KRASINSKI IN YOUR FUCKING HOTEL ROOM?
deathscytheheck: And B. J. is like, YES AND HE GIVES BETTER HEAD THAN BOTH OF YOU. And then he gets hit in the head with a pillow by the straight guy.
pellnell: But Eli takes it so fucking seriously and is like, LET JIM SUCK YOUR FREAKISHLY LONG COCK THEN! and hangs Omar’s phone up.
deathscytheheck: And Omar just laughs at him and throws the empty bottle at his head.
pellnell: He’s like, DON’T WORRY, ELI, I’VE GOT EXTRA ROPE FOR WHEN WE SEE HIM TOMORROW.
deathscytheheck: Omar has friends at the local hardware store.
pellnell: BACK SO SOON, MR. DOOM? JUST SAW YA TWO DAYS AGO.
deathscytheheck: He’s like, THAT LITTLE BITCH KEEPS PALMING KNIVES AND SAWING THROUGH IT!
pellnell: We have taken Omar to this very dark place.
deathscytheheck: Somehow I think he’d be flattered.
pellnell: You need to watch Glee. I imagine B. J. totally tries to get Eli to watch it, DUDE IT’S GOOD LIKE ELECTION.
deathscytheheck: Now I’m just picturing B. J. and Eli making out and fighting over watching Glee or Hostel.
pellnell: B. J. plays the songs on full blast in the car and says IT’S BETTER THAN MILEY CYRUS.
deathscytheheck: Eli threatens to start bringing out the Hostel props if he doesn’t stfu.
pellnell: Omar is like, YOU’RE RIGHT B. J. BUT I STILL WANT TO BEAT YOUR FUCKING FACE IN.
deathscytheheck: After the filming is done, they all disappear for a week and just tear into one another.
pellnell: It’s totally porntastic when they do, like a bad 80s video approximation of good sex. Lots of moaning and simultaneous orgasms.
deathscytheheck: And lots and lots of bad Bear Jew puns.
pellnell>: And like, FUCK B. J. NOT-SO-LITTLE MAN, Omar unfs.
deathscytheheck: And B. J. just sings to piss him off.
pellnell: Dude, B. J. has memorized the dancing. He’s a triple-threat.
deathscytheheck: A TRIPLE THREAT TO OMAR’S MANHOOD.
pellnell: Eli threatens to post naked pictures of them on Twitter.
deathscytheheck: He totally already posted pictures of B. J. tied to a chair.
pellnell: Omar tries to blackmail him with pictures of his cock but B. J. is not even fazed, like I WANT THOSE MYSPACE BITCHES TO STARE AT MY JUNK.
deathscytheheck: Speaking of cock and B. J., I’m watching the Women’s Appreciation ep of The Office and the penis jokes omg the penis jokes. I’m so in love with Ryan, so in love. And this ep has a TIRE IRON.
pellnell: When he wants to tease Omar, he fake-romantic talks, THAT TIRE IRON WAS A SIGN THAT I’D MEET YOU BABE, he says when he tops.
deathscytheheck: Why on earth is that so hot? Like fake sweet talk wtf. And Omar just starts trying to wrestle out from under him.
pellnell: It just is hot. Eli is listening at the door with a cup, muttering FUCK YOU to himself.
deathscytheheck: He sneaks polaroids thru the trailer window and tacks them up in random places.
pellnell: Omar’s like, NICE ANGLE ON THAT, DUDE, BUT TRY TO GET MORE OF MY DICK AND B. J.’S BRUISES NEXT TIME.
deathscytheheck: Eli is like, DUDE THERE ISN’T ANY MORE OF YOUR DICK! And Omar steals the camera and hits him with it.
pellnell: B. J. just shakes his head and says, GOD I AM SO READY TO GO BACK TO MINDY.
deathscytheheck: Mindy totally thinks it’s hot.
pellnell: She is a secret Doom fangirl.
deathscytheheck: Who fucking isn’t?
deathscytheheck: OH MY GOD RYAN FRAUD HANDCUFFS!
pellnell: Omar Doom wanks to it at home.
deathscytheheck: Fuck so do I…just saying.
pellnell: Yes but you don’t call B. J. during and hang on the line, breathing heavy.
deathscytheheck: B. J. just SIGHS and is all YOU BETTER STAY ON THE LINE TIL YOU COME, FUCKFACE.
pellnell: B. J. texts Eli while this is happening, like, SHARK ALARM! I AM JACKING OFF WITH THAT HUGE DICK YOU LOVE SO MUCH.
deathscytheheck: SHARK ALARM! While Omar thinks about doing lines of coke off B. J.’s stomach through a ten dollar bill.
pellnell: Oops rusty pipes!
deathscytheheck: Omar just tells him to blame it on the tire iron. SHOW ME YOUR BRUISES, BABY.
Holy shit, that took forever to format, bbs.