(no subject)
I dont know what about today that's made me feel this way. But I feel like I'm just... here. You know that feeling? Where anything could happen to you? You could laugh so hard you cry, and cry so hard you just wanna throw up... and still you feel like you're just "here".
Every emotion that I have is still here. I feel my sorrow, my grief, pain, anxiety, frustration, fear, love, happiness... I feel it all! And yet, I could just care less about how I express to every other fucking person. Forgive me, I'm not angry. Not with you, but the fact that my life isn't really my life. Because if it was, how come I cant seem to grasp it tightly enough to take control and turn this baby around... why?
Asking why is one of my many pet peeves, that I've recently discovered. "Why" cannot be answered successfully. You've got to be kidding me if you think so. "Why" is always going to tred nonchallantly in and out of your everyday life. There is nothing you can do about it.
Haha, today I exposed myself. No, not T/A but I really exposed myself. In a way I thought I never would. But... dear Lord I'm so glad I did. Because in turn for me finally breaking that God for saken barrier, I reached out to my own friend in need... who without my drive to even THINK of saying what I did... wouldn't have themselves.
Music, music, music. You know how no matter how you feel... there is always that one song that just fits you. That song may change from time to time, depending on everything you know? But there is always something you can listen to and just feel that comfort, and to help you cry when you need to. Ha, or even just laugh a little when you only need a smile.
With the hard times I'm currently facing, every song I listen to reminds me of me. I try and not hate, I honestly do but right now I feel like I hate so much. But really, I dont think I hate anything at all. If that makes sense.
Being a teenager, near her adulthood is seriously the smelliest shit ever. There are times when it smells so sweet, but then again there are those times where it just smells so bile you cant help but feel sick. Well I'm sick and tired of feeling like this.
Ha, why am I even crying right now. I have no tears, my face is not wet... but I feel like I'm crying. Ever get that? Like something could just trigger off a night's worth of tears. Wanna see me cry? Wellllll show me a picture of Josh, my transcript, my bank account, my fucking issues. FUCKING MAKE ME CRY! If you happen to have any weapons on hand, please aim them my way.
Damn, I'm trying to be fucking strong... but when I get to talking about everything and become Jessie, and realize what the hell is really going on in my life. And that I cant just live every day as as dream... I just want to break down. I've got bigger problems that sometimes I just want to NOT EXIST. But hell, look at me.
I've lost the love of my life, who I know IS TRULY that person. And right now, I feel like he could fucking careless about ANYTHING we went through. He is so damn happy now. I KNOW HE WAS HAPPY WITH ME! Granted we had our little arguements... but excuse me if I'm taking this too far, but Josh if you could possibly want to be with me so badly you face anything to keep me... how is that not love Josh? How could you stop loving me like you have? How could you have given up on me... when I never once thought of giving up on you.
I never did anything wrong. I was only defending my feelings. I'm not just gonna sit back and take something when I know it can be solved. But you... you've taken it too far. I love you, I dont care if you dont like me saying how I feel... because I feel so much for you. And just... FUCK YOU FOR THIS JOSH! I love you. SO MUCH! And you break my heart, you break a promise. You owe me 50 dollars. I wish I end up being the one to owe you the 50.
Regardless of how I feel so much pain and hurt, and how you have your own way to make me feel like I dont matter anymore. I dont care, I know there is still hope. A love like this can never die Josh. Fate brought us together. You're blind, immature, and just wrong. How could you?
I'm done telling you how I feel about you because at this point I feel it doesnt matter, but no matter what Josh... I'm never gonna stop loving you. I'm here... forever. I'm not meant to be with anyone else... no one else will EVER compare. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. You're my best friend Josh... and yet you hurt me so.
In other news, life right now has delt me a crummy hand. But I've gotten through so much more.. why cant I get through this? God, please help me. I know I should be the one to make my own dreams come true when following my heart... but God, I'm asking for your help on this one. This one means the most to me.
Sometimes life looks up, and I have a smile... but it mostly doesnt work out that way. So Lord, please. I pray to you... just this one thing for me Lord... please. <3 Watch me defy the odds. I may sound weak right now, but I wont be forever. I'm going to AMAZE YOU! AMAZE YOU ALL!
Every emotion that I have is still here. I feel my sorrow, my grief, pain, anxiety, frustration, fear, love, happiness... I feel it all! And yet, I could just care less about how I express to every other fucking person. Forgive me, I'm not angry. Not with you, but the fact that my life isn't really my life. Because if it was, how come I cant seem to grasp it tightly enough to take control and turn this baby around... why?
Asking why is one of my many pet peeves, that I've recently discovered. "Why" cannot be answered successfully. You've got to be kidding me if you think so. "Why" is always going to tred nonchallantly in and out of your everyday life. There is nothing you can do about it.
Haha, today I exposed myself. No, not T/A but I really exposed myself. In a way I thought I never would. But... dear Lord I'm so glad I did. Because in turn for me finally breaking that God for saken barrier, I reached out to my own friend in need... who without my drive to even THINK of saying what I did... wouldn't have themselves.
Music, music, music. You know how no matter how you feel... there is always that one song that just fits you. That song may change from time to time, depending on everything you know? But there is always something you can listen to and just feel that comfort, and to help you cry when you need to. Ha, or even just laugh a little when you only need a smile.
With the hard times I'm currently facing, every song I listen to reminds me of me. I try and not hate, I honestly do but right now I feel like I hate so much. But really, I dont think I hate anything at all. If that makes sense.
Being a teenager, near her adulthood is seriously the smelliest shit ever. There are times when it smells so sweet, but then again there are those times where it just smells so bile you cant help but feel sick. Well I'm sick and tired of feeling like this.
Ha, why am I even crying right now. I have no tears, my face is not wet... but I feel like I'm crying. Ever get that? Like something could just trigger off a night's worth of tears. Wanna see me cry? Wellllll show me a picture of Josh, my transcript, my bank account, my fucking issues. FUCKING MAKE ME CRY! If you happen to have any weapons on hand, please aim them my way.
Damn, I'm trying to be fucking strong... but when I get to talking about everything and become Jessie, and realize what the hell is really going on in my life. And that I cant just live every day as as dream... I just want to break down. I've got bigger problems that sometimes I just want to NOT EXIST. But hell, look at me.
I've lost the love of my life, who I know IS TRULY that person. And right now, I feel like he could fucking careless about ANYTHING we went through. He is so damn happy now. I KNOW HE WAS HAPPY WITH ME! Granted we had our little arguements... but excuse me if I'm taking this too far, but Josh if you could possibly want to be with me so badly you face anything to keep me... how is that not love Josh? How could you stop loving me like you have? How could you have given up on me... when I never once thought of giving up on you.
I never did anything wrong. I was only defending my feelings. I'm not just gonna sit back and take something when I know it can be solved. But you... you've taken it too far. I love you, I dont care if you dont like me saying how I feel... because I feel so much for you. And just... FUCK YOU FOR THIS JOSH! I love you. SO MUCH! And you break my heart, you break a promise. You owe me 50 dollars. I wish I end up being the one to owe you the 50.
Regardless of how I feel so much pain and hurt, and how you have your own way to make me feel like I dont matter anymore. I dont care, I know there is still hope. A love like this can never die Josh. Fate brought us together. You're blind, immature, and just wrong. How could you?
I'm done telling you how I feel about you because at this point I feel it doesnt matter, but no matter what Josh... I'm never gonna stop loving you. I'm here... forever. I'm not meant to be with anyone else... no one else will EVER compare. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. You're my best friend Josh... and yet you hurt me so.
In other news, life right now has delt me a crummy hand. But I've gotten through so much more.. why cant I get through this? God, please help me. I know I should be the one to make my own dreams come true when following my heart... but God, I'm asking for your help on this one. This one means the most to me.
Sometimes life looks up, and I have a smile... but it mostly doesnt work out that way. So Lord, please. I pray to you... just this one thing for me Lord... please. <3 Watch me defy the odds. I may sound weak right now, but I wont be forever. I'm going to AMAZE YOU! AMAZE YOU ALL!