i was asked to tell the truth so here it is
im thinking about moving away...i cant do this anymore.. and i guess that i have been reassuring myself for so long that im starting to beleive and accept the way i am treated here as being ok... last night a close friend of mine made it a point to yell at me.. to show me what i dont see... i think by him yelling at me made me open my fucking eyes to the truth.. that im wasting my time. that im choosing to do nothing about the situation than complain. why should i sit here and complain and say yea my life sucks.. when i dont step up to make any decisons in solving the problem.... decisons have been made in the past for me... but its not the same.. i need to act on something.. i waste my time on helping others and trying to make others happy when i cant even be happy myself. i am miserable. i have been for a long time, and people continue to kick me while im down.
i have made my fair share of mistakes .. i know this.. i know i am not perfect far from it.. and i have hurt people myself... but i think that my mistakes come from me not thinking about what i am doing but rather doing it in a means of escape... in a means of a desperate change. making mistakes fucking up i need to learn from this.. but everyone knows that changing out of habit is hard, and remembering to keep my temper is also very very hard. .. and i think that im better off just removing myself from the situation completely... my dad for so long has wanted me to come live with him.. attend college in illinois... and i have always been scared of the idea.. the idea of change.. not being able to surround myself with familiar faces.. not being able to talk so freely to a love...and now i find myself realizing that me staying here in fucking farmington really is not that worth it to me anymore.. i have nothing to stay for save a few things here and there... and now that i have lost the one the thing i really cared about... there is no point in staying ... that one thing kept me sane .. kept me calm.. kept me thinking that i could reallly change and be someone better.. is gone... i have screwed up for the last time... and im not asking for forgiveness im asking for understanding of why i do the things i do...
i know that there is tension in every family, and i understand that families work as a team. but lately i find myself so irritated with every little thing.. i have no patience anymore.. my mind lately has been a constant blur since john died... and the intensity of bluriness has increased since friday the 11th. i really feel as though i am losing my fucking mind by staying here. i just dont know what else to do..its depressing and frustrating.. i feel so trapped so closed minded... i feel like i have no way out... i tell myself "well it could always be worse" yes well everything could be worse and if i continue on through life saying this to myself i will never except the fact that i have a problem.... i find myself lieing, and being more sarcastic in the wrong situations, being hostile, and just not being a plesent person to be around.. i think a number of things have happened for this result in my behavoir, recently and i just want to apologize.. and i think that i should be disregarded and forgotten... nobody honestly cares.. i know of one but she is a best friend and.. a best friend is more than a title it is a promise... and i beleive that she is the only that i would truly miss from farmington...if that is cheesy i dont give a damn because that is how i fucking feel...
i just needed to vent this out...get these thoughts out of my head ...
'
my love was not a lie
i give up, im done trying.
no more
::~