surgery, debt, work, and studying
so first things first. my dad had a huge splinter in his foot and was complaining to my mom and asking her to take it out. so he's lying on the couch, my mom's pricking his foot with a needle and tweezers, meanwhile my dad was letting a litany of swears fly from his mouth. i inevitably got involved in the surgery and it took a good half hour before i could get the piece out. i felt like dr. carter from er, but that happy go lucky feeling was not to last for long...
my mom later asked me when i was going to pay her back from a day or two ago. it wasn't a huge amount of money but i let her know that i couldn't pay her back now because i had no cash and i needed to get to the bank. when she asked why i had no money, i said that i had gone bowling the other night and that had taken most of the rest of my money. i then explained that i already had to pay someone back from last friday's lunch(cuz i forgot to bring my wallet), and i was intending to do it as fast as i could. it was a bad idea to have shared that little tidbit that i thought would've just been accepted. i was very wrong. "you have no respect for money, or other people's money." she hissed. all hell broke loose from there. she cited a time in middle school when i didn't pay someone back and made me feel awful about having borrowed the small amount i did a few days ago. i blew up when she then handed me the amount i owed this friend. after already being hectered by her for a debt i had years ago, i was not about to take money from her. she didn't understand my logic. i told her i needed to pay back the respective people on my own and that if i got any help from them i wouldn't be learning anything. note to self: never refuse money from parents in attempt to diffuse a situation. it only made matters worse. then i cried for the first time in a long time. before i knew it angry tears were streaming down my face amid the tension.
i ended up ranting and raving about how i hated the concept of money and that i wished i didn't need any of it. i digressed and my parents seized on it. they told me "you need to work" but i already work as a ref i retorted. not enough money they said, even with all the saving up i've been doing. granted i only make around $300 three seasons a year(some of it i save but the vast majority is spent as quickly as i get it), and recently i've been trying to cut down on my spending to have money for my france trip in april and for college money as well. they still weren't satisfied. they want me to get a job in retail or something that i know i will hate doing (all my friends hate their jobs, so i figure i should do a job i enjoy at least.) but no my parents say, you're gonna have to work someplace you don't like because you will have money to spend and then you won't have to borrow from anyone.
i know my parents have good intentions, but time and commitment are huge hurdles for me. i feel like i'm always going from one thing to another, and i never have enough time to truly progress to my liking in all the sports i love. you always hear people say that something has to give, but i won't let anything go. and now that i could be entering a relationship i have no idea how i'm going to fit things in. i never thought i'd see the day when they asked me to go out more often. now that i think of it, i haven't been using my senior year to it's potential. i now intend to do just that. where i will work or what i will do i don't know but i need to accept that i live in a capitalistic society and i can't be henry david thoureau and just live in the woods all my life(even though i'd love to.) nothing will give, time will just have to appear somewhere convenient. and i then need to get off my ass and take advantage of it. i'm not usually this lazy but since the blizzard i've been studying for mid terms and i haven't left the house much. luckily my last two exams are tomorrow morning so i can take advantage of my free time then. my track season is also ending in a week or two so that will open up numerous afternoons and nights when i'd normally be doing hw. if anyone wants to do anything let me know, cuz i'll have more sporadic openings in my time for around a month, until outdoor track starts at least...
to briana and anyone else who has made it to the bottom of this entry, thanks for hearing me out (i know this was a long one), and i will find sometime when we can chill...
off to study for mandosa's exam...
good night,
~Nigel
my mom later asked me when i was going to pay her back from a day or two ago. it wasn't a huge amount of money but i let her know that i couldn't pay her back now because i had no cash and i needed to get to the bank. when she asked why i had no money, i said that i had gone bowling the other night and that had taken most of the rest of my money. i then explained that i already had to pay someone back from last friday's lunch(cuz i forgot to bring my wallet), and i was intending to do it as fast as i could. it was a bad idea to have shared that little tidbit that i thought would've just been accepted. i was very wrong. "you have no respect for money, or other people's money." she hissed. all hell broke loose from there. she cited a time in middle school when i didn't pay someone back and made me feel awful about having borrowed the small amount i did a few days ago. i blew up when she then handed me the amount i owed this friend. after already being hectered by her for a debt i had years ago, i was not about to take money from her. she didn't understand my logic. i told her i needed to pay back the respective people on my own and that if i got any help from them i wouldn't be learning anything. note to self: never refuse money from parents in attempt to diffuse a situation. it only made matters worse. then i cried for the first time in a long time. before i knew it angry tears were streaming down my face amid the tension.
i ended up ranting and raving about how i hated the concept of money and that i wished i didn't need any of it. i digressed and my parents seized on it. they told me "you need to work" but i already work as a ref i retorted. not enough money they said, even with all the saving up i've been doing. granted i only make around $300 three seasons a year(some of it i save but the vast majority is spent as quickly as i get it), and recently i've been trying to cut down on my spending to have money for my france trip in april and for college money as well. they still weren't satisfied. they want me to get a job in retail or something that i know i will hate doing (all my friends hate their jobs, so i figure i should do a job i enjoy at least.) but no my parents say, you're gonna have to work someplace you don't like because you will have money to spend and then you won't have to borrow from anyone.
i know my parents have good intentions, but time and commitment are huge hurdles for me. i feel like i'm always going from one thing to another, and i never have enough time to truly progress to my liking in all the sports i love. you always hear people say that something has to give, but i won't let anything go. and now that i could be entering a relationship i have no idea how i'm going to fit things in. i never thought i'd see the day when they asked me to go out more often. now that i think of it, i haven't been using my senior year to it's potential. i now intend to do just that. where i will work or what i will do i don't know but i need to accept that i live in a capitalistic society and i can't be henry david thoureau and just live in the woods all my life(even though i'd love to.) nothing will give, time will just have to appear somewhere convenient. and i then need to get off my ass and take advantage of it. i'm not usually this lazy but since the blizzard i've been studying for mid terms and i haven't left the house much. luckily my last two exams are tomorrow morning so i can take advantage of my free time then. my track season is also ending in a week or two so that will open up numerous afternoons and nights when i'd normally be doing hw. if anyone wants to do anything let me know, cuz i'll have more sporadic openings in my time for around a month, until outdoor track starts at least...
to briana and anyone else who has made it to the bottom of this entry, thanks for hearing me out (i know this was a long one), and i will find sometime when we can chill...
off to study for mandosa's exam...
good night,
~Nigel