I'm Having A Situation
You know what sucks? Having your first relationship at 18 and being on top of the world. You’re going to your only choice of college, studying what you love, you get to leave the town you hated being in your whole life, and to make it the best you have someone who you talk to everyday that cares about you and makes you laugh and gives you the confidence to not walk with your head down.
Why does this suck? Because it’s not real, not totally.
Your only college that feels more like home than home ever did, won’t accept you into your major and tells you to pursue other things. So, your whole life and happiness and future slips out of your grasp.
Then, you can’t afford to go back to school after the first year so guess what? You’re going back to the home and town you hated. Added bonus: you get to go back to the job you hated with enough vigor that added onto everything else, suicide was a serious contemplation.
You’ll never see your friends from college again. They were the first people you met who were like you, understood you, and you’ll never see them again because they live hours away from you and you can’t afford the trip.
Then, a few months into your 1 year at your school, your boyfriend calls you while you’re working and leaves a message breaking up with you. This person you’ve dated for 6 months, who you were starting to picture in your future drops you with no explanation or warning.
Imagine your world as an empty room. This room has no windows and only one light. That light shattered when you were rejected for the third time in your major. The room is pitch black now and you can’t do anything but curl up on the floor and try to crawl through the darkness. Suddenly, a small candle catches your eye in the corner, that’s your boyfriend. It hasn’t left you yet.
Then, your phone rings and the candle is blown out, leaving you in complete darkness with no hope of seeing anything or feeling anything again except the cold empty darkness of the room.
That’s the room I’ve lived in for over three years. And you know what sucks the most? Realizing that I really loved him and worse, I still do.
I haven’t seen him since that night I got the call but it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I used to believe I didn’t love him, but I know I do.
This is the only picture I have of him:
And God help me I can’t delete it off my computer. I think about him every day and I hate myself for it.
He’s not the only reason I’m in that room, but he was the last light in my life and he took it from me. Nothing and no one has been able to help me off the cold dark floor. I’m starting to wonder if anything will be able to. I think I’m broken, no I know I am.
Fuck this life. I had my whole future ahead of me, bright with sun and happiness and one year crushed all of that for me. Nothing has ever made me as happy as that year was for me.
I don’t know what my point is here, but whatever.
Sorry about the delay of The Beauty of Love...update. I am working on it, but life has not allowed me much time recently.