I've been doing a lot of thinking
Cross posted to Insanejournal.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and yard work, and shopping, (and now drinking because after helping lay down two flats of sod on no sleep I think I deserve it) and I have talked to my parents and aunt and a few friends, I have come to a conclusion. A few of them.
One, I am a freak. I have been a freak for a long, long time and it's about damn time I admit it, and OWN my freakness. I have no motivation to *change* my freakness and I have *built* a good portion of my self identity around my freakness and at 23 I don't want to go fucking around with my self identity. I like my self identity. I am very, very fond of myself, and I've worked hard to get just this far and I just... don't want to lose any of that.
Two, I am completely done freaking out, because I am done being a thirteen year old girl and am going right back to being me, however confused I happen to be about certain things. It is not helpful to freak out, and being a spaz about certain things only reinforces the freak. It's like having an argument about hardwood floors verses carpet while a rhino shits in your living room. People look at you funny and wonder what planet your brain came from.
Three, it's a lot damned easier to go with the flow than I ever imagined, and I think a large part of that ease is what fueled the spaz factor. This is nothing *bad*. It just *is*. And the only thing to do with the spaz factor is to fucking cope and deal. And try to keep it a lot more private next time. Sorry to those I managed to make uncomfortable. As a future warning, that may happen again as I am unpredictable. I apologize in advance.
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and yard work, and shopping, (and now drinking because after helping lay down two flats of sod on no sleep I think I deserve it) and I have talked to my parents and aunt and a few friends, I have come to a conclusion. A few of them.
One, I am a freak. I have been a freak for a long, long time and it's about damn time I admit it, and OWN my freakness. I have no motivation to *change* my freakness and I have *built* a good portion of my self identity around my freakness and at 23 I don't want to go fucking around with my self identity. I like my self identity. I am very, very fond of myself, and I've worked hard to get just this far and I just... don't want to lose any of that.
Two, I am completely done freaking out, because I am done being a thirteen year old girl and am going right back to being me, however confused I happen to be about certain things. It is not helpful to freak out, and being a spaz about certain things only reinforces the freak. It's like having an argument about hardwood floors verses carpet while a rhino shits in your living room. People look at you funny and wonder what planet your brain came from.
Three, it's a lot damned easier to go with the flow than I ever imagined, and I think a large part of that ease is what fueled the spaz factor. This is nothing *bad*. It just *is*. And the only thing to do with the spaz factor is to fucking cope and deal. And try to keep it a lot more private next time. Sorry to those I managed to make uncomfortable. As a future warning, that may happen again as I am unpredictable. I apologize in advance.