Thailand
32 days. 10 cities/towns/islands. 26,000 baht.
Now I'm back. Not exactly a different person. Just surer than ever about who I really am.
Experiences shape someone. I was looking back and I saw that I used to be someone who would go all out for her friends. Even if it meant great inconveniences to myself. No kidding. It was how my mum was. Always there for her friends. Always ready to help. But things happened. Things changed. She changed. I changed. Friendships became nothing but a farce. The human heart is ugly. I was no longer an optimist.
I saw how gossips could tear someone's life apart. The mouth was like a gun, and its words were the ammunition. From then on, I resolved to steer clear from gossips.
I also resolved to harden my heart. Let no one in. Then I'd never be hurt. Of course, that meant that I'd be trapped in my own negativity. I traded love for a wall of steel. Call me a coward, but it felt really safe inside. No complexities of human relationships. Just a safe haven. I've had enough hurt to last a lifetime already.
I guess I became really angry with myself at one point in time. I had actually allowed myself to become vulnerable. I was not careful with my fortress. His words, even though were filtered from other people, made me relive the horror days of my teenage years. It didn't matter anymore who was right and wrong. I had paid my price for letting my guard down. Now, like the disturbed shellfish, I will clam harder than ever before.
It wasn't inner peace that I found. My soul had simply died.
Now I'm back. Not exactly a different person. Just surer than ever about who I really am.
Experiences shape someone. I was looking back and I saw that I used to be someone who would go all out for her friends. Even if it meant great inconveniences to myself. No kidding. It was how my mum was. Always there for her friends. Always ready to help. But things happened. Things changed. She changed. I changed. Friendships became nothing but a farce. The human heart is ugly. I was no longer an optimist.
I saw how gossips could tear someone's life apart. The mouth was like a gun, and its words were the ammunition. From then on, I resolved to steer clear from gossips.
I also resolved to harden my heart. Let no one in. Then I'd never be hurt. Of course, that meant that I'd be trapped in my own negativity. I traded love for a wall of steel. Call me a coward, but it felt really safe inside. No complexities of human relationships. Just a safe haven. I've had enough hurt to last a lifetime already.
I guess I became really angry with myself at one point in time. I had actually allowed myself to become vulnerable. I was not careful with my fortress. His words, even though were filtered from other people, made me relive the horror days of my teenage years. It didn't matter anymore who was right and wrong. I had paid my price for letting my guard down. Now, like the disturbed shellfish, I will clam harder than ever before.
It wasn't inner peace that I found. My soul had simply died.