oh teenage hopes
i'm working a job i can't really stand. for the first time in two years i can't say there is anything fulfilling about my job. it's putting the pizza in the oven and taking the money. it only gets complicated when the drunk people can't make up their mind. at least they never complain about the prices and usually will let you get away with being rude to them. it's not even worth being anything but polite to the customers, because most of them are so drunk they hardly even know what's going on in the first place. there were a few people tonight who were really wasted. all i could think was 'wow, i have been that person before. out in public, totally making an ass out of myself, completely wasted.' and then i thought about how i really don't want to be seen when i look like that in the future. one of my coworkers came in possibly tripping on mushrooms, so he got fired. he was pretty much worthless even when he was sober. all i know is that if they don't have me start working days soon, i'll be out of here as soon as i can get a ticket east.
even that hasn't really sunk in yet. i talk about it, but i don't really feel like i am fully aware of it yet. it's totally my pink elephant in an emotional room of my brain. it's there but i'm just not dealing with it right now. i probably won't until i've started to pack my things.
then there's another thing. i've found myself bedding up with a man i thought i'd never see again. it was so horrible before because we both despised ourselves. things were so complicated and fucked up that no wonder we brought out the crazy in one another. but now.... now things are so different. shit is still crazy on my part and i guess you could say that he's really in no different place physically, but we've both grown so much as individuals. he's almost all the things i've ever wanted in a man. he adores me and i feel like for once i've met a man who takes me for more than face value. he understands and realizes just how passionate i am because he's just as passionate about something too.
he started telling me how he wasn't sure what he'd do if he lost me again and how he is just kind of ignoring the fact that i'll be leaving. to my amazement i started crying. through my tears i told him that if its really meant to be then nothing can keep us apart. we might be on different sides of the country, but if love is real the miles won't matter. i told him he and i both have things we need to do for ourselves. i told him if i stayed i would be miserable and i don't want to put him through that again. our lives are running parallel right now as they did in the past, and who's to say it won't happen again? but i dont even know if i really love him. he told me i might be his soul mate. i didn't answer right away, and when i did i told him i honestly hadn't even thought of it.
the fear of him i felt before seems silly now. i feel bad about the things i said and did before because i was just taking out my frustrations on him. in return, he did the same to me. so the picture of him t hat's been painted for my friends is a bit biased and inaccurate. i personally believe and know that people can change and they aren't always what they seem. they can be a completely different person under the surface, and much of the time this second self is guarded by a think layer of skin. i say this with 100% confidence because i myself have built very guarded walls around my true self.
second chances, redemption, talk of love, changes of heart, what does it all really mean if i'm going to be gone in a month's time?
even that hasn't really sunk in yet. i talk about it, but i don't really feel like i am fully aware of it yet. it's totally my pink elephant in an emotional room of my brain. it's there but i'm just not dealing with it right now. i probably won't until i've started to pack my things.
then there's another thing. i've found myself bedding up with a man i thought i'd never see again. it was so horrible before because we both despised ourselves. things were so complicated and fucked up that no wonder we brought out the crazy in one another. but now.... now things are so different. shit is still crazy on my part and i guess you could say that he's really in no different place physically, but we've both grown so much as individuals. he's almost all the things i've ever wanted in a man. he adores me and i feel like for once i've met a man who takes me for more than face value. he understands and realizes just how passionate i am because he's just as passionate about something too.
he started telling me how he wasn't sure what he'd do if he lost me again and how he is just kind of ignoring the fact that i'll be leaving. to my amazement i started crying. through my tears i told him that if its really meant to be then nothing can keep us apart. we might be on different sides of the country, but if love is real the miles won't matter. i told him he and i both have things we need to do for ourselves. i told him if i stayed i would be miserable and i don't want to put him through that again. our lives are running parallel right now as they did in the past, and who's to say it won't happen again? but i dont even know if i really love him. he told me i might be his soul mate. i didn't answer right away, and when i did i told him i honestly hadn't even thought of it.
the fear of him i felt before seems silly now. i feel bad about the things i said and did before because i was just taking out my frustrations on him. in return, he did the same to me. so the picture of him t hat's been painted for my friends is a bit biased and inaccurate. i personally believe and know that people can change and they aren't always what they seem. they can be a completely different person under the surface, and much of the time this second self is guarded by a think layer of skin. i say this with 100% confidence because i myself have built very guarded walls around my true self.
second chances, redemption, talk of love, changes of heart, what does it all really mean if i'm going to be gone in a month's time?