(no subject)

[peelprivvy]

alright, totally honest now. most of the time i hate my life. i have plenty of people to hang out with but only 2 or 3 i can call my true friends. one or two of them give a shit about how i feel. a single day doesn't go by where i don't fight with my dad, and i am constantly dwelling on things i can't be. i just want to be someone who matters to someone else. jessica swears on her life that i am her favorite person in the world. she says when she's with me she just gets this feeling like she doesn't feel any place else. i just don't see how that can be true. i'm no superhero, i'm not fun to be with, and what about everyone else she's known her whole life? and even if what she says is true, it just doesn't matter to me because i don't feel the same way about her. theres only one person who has ever made me feel like nothing else matters, and it's not in my favor. i try to be there for her and i want to but i can't. and i still wait for her and sometimes i wonder why am i still waiting? i don't even want to compare her to anyone else because i can't. shes just better in every way i could possibly imagine. my city is boring. theres never anything to do besides go to the mall go to the mall. woo! what a blast! yeah, sarcasm. theres not even a point of going there, just walking around for no reason round and round in circles. but that's how my whole life's been anyway. round and round in circles, because i always come back to the same thing in my mind. i haven't had my hair cut in months. everyone compliments me on it, but to tell you the truth, i barely even see any difference, other than that its a little longer. if anything, it's a mess and it looks worse. but i don't really care, i could go through 50 different hairstyles but what would it change? bridgewater kids are cool. they do so many different little things and play little games all of which are insignificant but everyone is so into them and just being in a crowd full of people who don't care that they don't know you and will still get along with you is a good feeling. nothing like here in taunton where i can't take a walk down the street without someone looking at me funny. i suppose theres some people like that everywhere, but still. can you go to a restraunt here and know EVERYBODY? in bridgewater you can. i guess it's kind of pointless to complain though. i wish i had something to do tonight. i wish someone would call me. i wish i could have things to do without me always being the one to arrange them. i wish people WANTED to be with me. my parents made up this new rule, home by 10, because they didn't like me driving brian home so late. what the hell do they want me to do? leave him at the mall? leave him at taco bell? his mom is in the fucking hospital and his brother works every day 5PM - 2AM. i just don't get it. you do someone a favor and you get people all dissapointed in you. who the hell knows? i need someone to hold. i'd feel so much better if i had someone to hold. it'd make me feel like i mattered to somebody.

^see that i went in circles again

kristine: sorry for the journal-type entry in here. i needed this place a place noone reads except for you. i trust you, unlike the other people on LJ who would just bug me about all this and ask me who the person was and what-not.