(no subject)
as is the norm for me, i am bored, and awake at a ridiculous time in the morning. which is quite strange seeing as how i was feeling completely knackered a few hours ago.
i wish i could get myself sorted out and motivated. i dont feel like i'm at uni for some reason. it's like i was explaining to matt the other day, sometimes i look up when i'm in a lecture and go "wow.. i'm actually in a lecture theatre, at uni, doing a uni course" and i love the course but i'm definitely too laid back about it. i dont think i've quite realised the amount of work and dedication this is going to actually take. i really dont want to have to re-do my first year again. i dont want to have to do any of the years tbh. apparently the first year is the one you should fail if you fail a year o.O but it's recommended not to really. which is understandable. but yeah at some point i will realise that doing an essay is more important than procrastinating by playing bloody facebook games.
facebook will ruin my career *shakes fist* .. i wonder if i could sue if that happens?
the problem with me is that nothing sinks in anymore and i hate that. nothing really seems real any more, it all feels like a haze. sometimes i feel like i need a shock to bring me crashing back down to earth but nothing seems to shock me anymore. my gran died last year, i still haven't cried about it or missed her really, which i feel terrible about. i think about her all the time but i haven't really really missed her. i dont know if that shows that i'm a bad granddaughter or if it just reflects how badly detached i feel from anything. seriously it's almost like i'm dead already and just watching everything happen. i don't really seem to feel anything strongly anymore, like i'm not passionate about anything. everything just seems mediocre. i don't know why i feel like that or how to shake it, it's horrible to feel pretty numb to everything and fake reactions. i seriously do sometimes see something and think "what should my immediate reaction to that be?". and i hate how now i don't seem to know the answer to simple questions anymore because i try to hard to think of what the right thing is to say and it just escapes me. like if someone asks me how i'm feeling, and i dont know what to say because i dont really feel anything, i just feel tired all the time and i'm never really in a good or bad mood, just kinda in the middle. i take some of the questions that i know that i'm going to be asked quite a bit and it's like i've just programmed myself to say certain things, like when someone asks me how uni's going "yeah it's really, i really like the course, it's really interesting". i hate that when i went to jess' i didn't even know what to say to her mum, and i hate even more that i go into my own house and feel the same way. i cant seem to make conversation anymore, someone has to start one for me because i don't know what to talk about. and my mood can swing from being tired and blase one minute, to laughing my ass off about something (like keyboard cat =D) to then being extremely pissed off about something (or someone... i.e laura abbey) and then it just goes straight back to that being blase again.
i dont know if it's as bad as or worse than when i first broke up with danny, and i hate to bring it back to then but i know that's when it happened. i remember being on the bus and i was still going through my depressed stage of breaking up with him, and it had been about 2 weeks and i found myself laughing at something that, though it was funny, i wasn't really finding it funny, i was just laughing to break the cycle of being depressed about breaking up with him. i was just trying to be normal again, and i haven't quite felt the same since then. it's been since about that time that i started to kinda phase out and start listening to myself in my head and get carried away with my imagination whilst someone is talking to me. when i broke up with danny it literally felt like i'd been punched in the stomach, i couldn't stop myself from crying i wanted to hurt myself, i wanted to change who i was, i didnt want to be me anymore, i would literally have given anything to jump out of my skin and into someone elses and consume their emotions rather than my own at the time because i just felt that bad. and i found myself listening to songs to make me cry just because i wanted to get it all out of my system. it was kinda like a venom that i was trying to purge from myself but in the end i gave up and accepted it and just put a mask on it. and the amazing thing is that although i can kind of handle danny now, i've accepted whats happened there, the feelings have still stayed the same, and instead of feeling properly, i just feel like i'm putting a mask on everything.
i try and make myself feel normal, i try and just take the days as they come, but my memory is so bad that i just cant remember shit all about anything. i keep wishing that i felt how i did before i got with danny, when i was carefree, didn't give a crap about anything, didn't really get upset about anything, i was just a hyperactive crazy random son of a bitch. and i look back at times where i've tried so desperately to recreate that person and cringe. because i should know by now that i'm growing up, but i can't let it go. i feel like i kind of make some sort of spectacle of myself on occassion to give myself some sort of meaning, and then i look back and kind of detest that i had to do that. i feel like my i've done nothing particularly with my life, i feel like another speck in a big world of no significance. surprisingly i'm not being emo, i'm not feeling sad or depressed. which is another thing, with the depression, it was almost like, although i was feeling bad at least i was feeling something. and yeah i can have my low days but it's not like the full blown crazy crying on my bed rocking backwards and forwards clawing at my arms and teraring out my hair depression i used to have. it's just like, i feel sad, hollow, empty, maybe shed a few tears and that's it. and that might seem like an improvement considering what i used to be like before, but in a way i miss how i used to feel because at least then i knew that i was capable of feeling something, even if it did feel like i'd never be happy again.
I think in a way, the way i'm describing how i feel now is why i broke up with jamal. it was because i knew i couldn't offer him anything, and i couldn't feel anything from him either. i think it's why i don't feel ready for a relationship and haven't done for years. i know if i got with someone now i wouldn't be able to function properly. i horribly i am finding myself more wanting to be in a relationship, and i don't think it's because i need so desperately to be with someone, i think it's because i so desperately need to feel something. i can imagine if i did find someone now that i would just be terrible, i would just be trying to be like them and do things for them that i think will please them etc. i wouldn't be being me at all, and i don't really want that.
perhaps that's what it boils down to. i don't feel like i have a personality anymore, i have nothing that defines me as a person apart from this act that i put on. i imitate people because i don't know how to be myself, because i don't know who i am.
I'm currently listening to Will Young - Changes on repeat just because the chorus pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.. allow me to quote (although i know this is going to make me puke and be embarrassed when i read this post back)
"Its like a record going round
Yes its going round, going round, going round
I know I should wanna take it off
But I find it hard, why do I find it hard?
I used to have a vision
I was sitting somewhere up there
Looking down on myself
Doing right for once in my life
It changes
Hope my life changes
Gets alright somehow
Oh Im waiting for tomorrow
I hope it changes
Cant you stay the same
Been out of luck for so long
And I dont get much
So theres nothing much to lose"
sigh i dunno. i try and explain how i'm feeling and words just don't seem adequate. i try and make sense of everything for myself and it just confuses me even more. i try and pin point when this change occurred and it always seems to point back to november 2005, when me and danny broke up. and it just confuses me even more that i feel as though i've gotten over him, but i still haven't shook this feeling that seems somehow attached to him. this is going to sound odd coming from me, but i think that having a baby would be the only thing that can snap me out of this, just because i know that there's supposed to be that instantaneous overwhelming indefinitive love between a mother and her child when it's born. but i can still imagine me just being like "oh i have baby. really? yeah, that's quite cool i guess. sleepless nights here i come". i can imagine that how every parent loves their kid and think that they're absolutely perfect and the most beautiful thing ever, i could be like "er.. bit weird looking tbh?".
i'm fed up of feeling like it, i want to be able to feel something properly rather than think that it's all some kind of illusion. it's not like i don't FEEL anything physically, i know if i was to put my hand down on a hot hob that it was fucking hurt and blister and stuff, but it's like sometimes i can just stare at that hot hob thinking "would it really though? it's only pain after all." and more worringly i've gone into the kitchen and kind of looked like "is this really where i have to come to do all my cooking now? do i really have to do all my own cooking now? i really don't live at home anymore?" and it just fucks me up even more. i have seriously stood cooking myself some pasta and started crying because i didn't quite get why i was there, doing it for myself. not that i'm not used to cooking my own meals or don't enjoy cooking my own meals, it just doesnt seem to quite feel real.
I didn't even come on LJ to moan about feeling empty, i came on to moan about how i wish i had someone to wake up to in the morning, but there we go, i trailed off onto something else.
i could talk a lot longer though about that side of things. about how unconfident i feel in myself and how i don't think that anything that anyone says to me as a compliment is a genuine, i;m overly paranoid, i think everyone is lying to save my feelings etc. my confidence can never be built up, because if someone says something nice to me, i tear it apart and turn it round to make myself believe that whoever just paid me a compliment is in fact taking the piss out of me and laughing behind my back.
it's annoying, it's weird, it's confusing. i'm quite sure if a psychologist was to read this they'd say i have some sort of disorder that i need therapy for. but meh, the whole fucking world needs therapy.
i wish i could get myself sorted out and motivated. i dont feel like i'm at uni for some reason. it's like i was explaining to matt the other day, sometimes i look up when i'm in a lecture and go "wow.. i'm actually in a lecture theatre, at uni, doing a uni course" and i love the course but i'm definitely too laid back about it. i dont think i've quite realised the amount of work and dedication this is going to actually take. i really dont want to have to re-do my first year again. i dont want to have to do any of the years tbh. apparently the first year is the one you should fail if you fail a year o.O but it's recommended not to really. which is understandable. but yeah at some point i will realise that doing an essay is more important than procrastinating by playing bloody facebook games.
facebook will ruin my career *shakes fist* .. i wonder if i could sue if that happens?
the problem with me is that nothing sinks in anymore and i hate that. nothing really seems real any more, it all feels like a haze. sometimes i feel like i need a shock to bring me crashing back down to earth but nothing seems to shock me anymore. my gran died last year, i still haven't cried about it or missed her really, which i feel terrible about. i think about her all the time but i haven't really really missed her. i dont know if that shows that i'm a bad granddaughter or if it just reflects how badly detached i feel from anything. seriously it's almost like i'm dead already and just watching everything happen. i don't really seem to feel anything strongly anymore, like i'm not passionate about anything. everything just seems mediocre. i don't know why i feel like that or how to shake it, it's horrible to feel pretty numb to everything and fake reactions. i seriously do sometimes see something and think "what should my immediate reaction to that be?". and i hate how now i don't seem to know the answer to simple questions anymore because i try to hard to think of what the right thing is to say and it just escapes me. like if someone asks me how i'm feeling, and i dont know what to say because i dont really feel anything, i just feel tired all the time and i'm never really in a good or bad mood, just kinda in the middle. i take some of the questions that i know that i'm going to be asked quite a bit and it's like i've just programmed myself to say certain things, like when someone asks me how uni's going "yeah it's really, i really like the course, it's really interesting". i hate that when i went to jess' i didn't even know what to say to her mum, and i hate even more that i go into my own house and feel the same way. i cant seem to make conversation anymore, someone has to start one for me because i don't know what to talk about. and my mood can swing from being tired and blase one minute, to laughing my ass off about something (like keyboard cat =D) to then being extremely pissed off about something (or someone... i.e laura abbey) and then it just goes straight back to that being blase again.
i dont know if it's as bad as or worse than when i first broke up with danny, and i hate to bring it back to then but i know that's when it happened. i remember being on the bus and i was still going through my depressed stage of breaking up with him, and it had been about 2 weeks and i found myself laughing at something that, though it was funny, i wasn't really finding it funny, i was just laughing to break the cycle of being depressed about breaking up with him. i was just trying to be normal again, and i haven't quite felt the same since then. it's been since about that time that i started to kinda phase out and start listening to myself in my head and get carried away with my imagination whilst someone is talking to me. when i broke up with danny it literally felt like i'd been punched in the stomach, i couldn't stop myself from crying i wanted to hurt myself, i wanted to change who i was, i didnt want to be me anymore, i would literally have given anything to jump out of my skin and into someone elses and consume their emotions rather than my own at the time because i just felt that bad. and i found myself listening to songs to make me cry just because i wanted to get it all out of my system. it was kinda like a venom that i was trying to purge from myself but in the end i gave up and accepted it and just put a mask on it. and the amazing thing is that although i can kind of handle danny now, i've accepted whats happened there, the feelings have still stayed the same, and instead of feeling properly, i just feel like i'm putting a mask on everything.
i try and make myself feel normal, i try and just take the days as they come, but my memory is so bad that i just cant remember shit all about anything. i keep wishing that i felt how i did before i got with danny, when i was carefree, didn't give a crap about anything, didn't really get upset about anything, i was just a hyperactive crazy random son of a bitch. and i look back at times where i've tried so desperately to recreate that person and cringe. because i should know by now that i'm growing up, but i can't let it go. i feel like i kind of make some sort of spectacle of myself on occassion to give myself some sort of meaning, and then i look back and kind of detest that i had to do that. i feel like my i've done nothing particularly with my life, i feel like another speck in a big world of no significance. surprisingly i'm not being emo, i'm not feeling sad or depressed. which is another thing, with the depression, it was almost like, although i was feeling bad at least i was feeling something. and yeah i can have my low days but it's not like the full blown crazy crying on my bed rocking backwards and forwards clawing at my arms and teraring out my hair depression i used to have. it's just like, i feel sad, hollow, empty, maybe shed a few tears and that's it. and that might seem like an improvement considering what i used to be like before, but in a way i miss how i used to feel because at least then i knew that i was capable of feeling something, even if it did feel like i'd never be happy again.
I think in a way, the way i'm describing how i feel now is why i broke up with jamal. it was because i knew i couldn't offer him anything, and i couldn't feel anything from him either. i think it's why i don't feel ready for a relationship and haven't done for years. i know if i got with someone now i wouldn't be able to function properly. i horribly i am finding myself more wanting to be in a relationship, and i don't think it's because i need so desperately to be with someone, i think it's because i so desperately need to feel something. i can imagine if i did find someone now that i would just be terrible, i would just be trying to be like them and do things for them that i think will please them etc. i wouldn't be being me at all, and i don't really want that.
perhaps that's what it boils down to. i don't feel like i have a personality anymore, i have nothing that defines me as a person apart from this act that i put on. i imitate people because i don't know how to be myself, because i don't know who i am.
I'm currently listening to Will Young - Changes on repeat just because the chorus pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now.. allow me to quote (although i know this is going to make me puke and be embarrassed when i read this post back)
"Its like a record going round
Yes its going round, going round, going round
I know I should wanna take it off
But I find it hard, why do I find it hard?
I used to have a vision
I was sitting somewhere up there
Looking down on myself
Doing right for once in my life
It changes
Hope my life changes
Gets alright somehow
Oh Im waiting for tomorrow
I hope it changes
Cant you stay the same
Been out of luck for so long
And I dont get much
So theres nothing much to lose"
sigh i dunno. i try and explain how i'm feeling and words just don't seem adequate. i try and make sense of everything for myself and it just confuses me even more. i try and pin point when this change occurred and it always seems to point back to november 2005, when me and danny broke up. and it just confuses me even more that i feel as though i've gotten over him, but i still haven't shook this feeling that seems somehow attached to him. this is going to sound odd coming from me, but i think that having a baby would be the only thing that can snap me out of this, just because i know that there's supposed to be that instantaneous overwhelming indefinitive love between a mother and her child when it's born. but i can still imagine me just being like "oh i have baby. really? yeah, that's quite cool i guess. sleepless nights here i come". i can imagine that how every parent loves their kid and think that they're absolutely perfect and the most beautiful thing ever, i could be like "er.. bit weird looking tbh?".
i'm fed up of feeling like it, i want to be able to feel something properly rather than think that it's all some kind of illusion. it's not like i don't FEEL anything physically, i know if i was to put my hand down on a hot hob that it was fucking hurt and blister and stuff, but it's like sometimes i can just stare at that hot hob thinking "would it really though? it's only pain after all." and more worringly i've gone into the kitchen and kind of looked like "is this really where i have to come to do all my cooking now? do i really have to do all my own cooking now? i really don't live at home anymore?" and it just fucks me up even more. i have seriously stood cooking myself some pasta and started crying because i didn't quite get why i was there, doing it for myself. not that i'm not used to cooking my own meals or don't enjoy cooking my own meals, it just doesnt seem to quite feel real.
I didn't even come on LJ to moan about feeling empty, i came on to moan about how i wish i had someone to wake up to in the morning, but there we go, i trailed off onto something else.
i could talk a lot longer though about that side of things. about how unconfident i feel in myself and how i don't think that anything that anyone says to me as a compliment is a genuine, i;m overly paranoid, i think everyone is lying to save my feelings etc. my confidence can never be built up, because if someone says something nice to me, i tear it apart and turn it round to make myself believe that whoever just paid me a compliment is in fact taking the piss out of me and laughing behind my back.
it's annoying, it's weird, it's confusing. i'm quite sure if a psychologist was to read this they'd say i have some sort of disorder that i need therapy for. but meh, the whole fucking world needs therapy.