(no subject)
When I was single, especially when I was single for a while, I had this feeling. The closest approximation I can come to describing it is that I had an undercurrent of despair, constantly. I felt like everything was on the verge of going terribly wrong, and it was a feeling that never could be assuaged. Walking life on a tightrope. I didn't feel incomplete, I didn't feel like something was missing from my life--if I had, that feeling would have gone away when I dated. The feeling waxed and waned but never fully went away. I figured it had something to do with my weak faith and assumed that once I graduated with my degree in Christian ministries, that little piece of paper would be proof that I no longer had anything to worry about, that God was cool with me now and I could stop freaking out.
I had all but forgotten about that feeling, but I felt it again this week. While Derek was on tour. I feel it every time he is apart from me for an extended period of time. It has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with us. Derek does not complete me and he is not a part of me, but he is what makes my life okay. I sincerely believe that the world could be burning and sulpher could rain from the sky, and if he were with me, I wouldn't worry so much. But Fluffy could start pooping solid gold; I could become a talking head on VH1; iceberg lettuce could taste like chocolate instead of wet stickers and if Derek were away, I would still feel like my life were ending.
I didn't ask for it to be like this, and I don't exactly enjoy having an emotional setback every time he's out of town, but I have to wonder if it's such a bad thing. I can function without him; I push through whatever cloud settles around me. But it's like the difference between waking up to an alarm on Monday or on your own on Saturday.
I had all but forgotten about that feeling, but I felt it again this week. While Derek was on tour. I feel it every time he is apart from me for an extended period of time. It has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with us. Derek does not complete me and he is not a part of me, but he is what makes my life okay. I sincerely believe that the world could be burning and sulpher could rain from the sky, and if he were with me, I wouldn't worry so much. But Fluffy could start pooping solid gold; I could become a talking head on VH1; iceberg lettuce could taste like chocolate instead of wet stickers and if Derek were away, I would still feel like my life were ending.
I didn't ask for it to be like this, and I don't exactly enjoy having an emotional setback every time he's out of town, but I have to wonder if it's such a bad thing. I can function without him; I push through whatever cloud settles around me. But it's like the difference between waking up to an alarm on Monday or on your own on Saturday.