Disconnected

[pedigoa]

 I haven't thought about LJ in a very long time, but for some reason the notion of it came upon me recently.  Looking into it, I see it's been over a year since I've posted anything on here.  We (and by we, I probably really only mean I) convince ourselves of how busy we are, that we haven't the time to call or write people back, make it to the post office, or any number of other minute activities, but we're never really too busy to do these things.  I haven't really been too busy to write on livejournal any more than I've been too busy to eat.  In fact, I've never in my life had such a surplus of time as I do now.  I lost my job, what, over a month ago now.  I only go to school two days a week, for a few hours each day.  I play video games and nervously eat, sleep and try to pretend I'm a real person.  I ended a relationship which, in some respects, was as close to perfect as one could ever expect.  I used to ponder the mathematics of coupling and the statistics of romance, but I no longer believe it's a science.  It's not even an art, really.  I'm not even sure what I think it is.  It's just that thing that you feel or don't feel, and I didn't feel it.  Someone once told me it was a copout that I said I didn't love her because I'm not sure what love is.  How can I know what it is?  It's one word and it's so overarching and vague.  I don't feel like it's possible to describe your feelings or interactions with another person in one word.  Some say you just know when it's love.  It must not have been, because I still don't know.

I'm here.  I'm alive and without debilitating psychological problems.