If only I had some on me...
What better time to start writing than 4:20 huh?....
This weekend has really been kind of a punch in the stomach for me....
I had so many things that I wanted to take care of, catch up on, fix and clean, and I only ended up doing about 10% of everything.....
I'm getting tired, tired of the way that my life is going....
I had a conversation with my mom tonight.....which actually brought all my fears and doubts together into one happy little sentence....
...I'm afraid I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing something I "have" to do, instead of something I "want" to do....
I'm terrified actually....because it seems to be becoming an all too apparent reality....
I've been through so many majors, and I still don't know what I want to do....what I want to concentrate in.....
Well, I do....but it just isn't practical....and I guess I just can't count out the importance of that factor.....
...I just don't want to end up one of those people who studied something that they didn't particularly like, but figured they could put up with because it paid well....
I don't want to be that....and I'm afraid that if I don't do just that, I'll just be some 30 year old musician chasing a dream that never came....
I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy......maybe it really is just a matter of me not looking at things so stubbornly....or just biting the bullet and picking something.....
...maybe it is just that simple....but under the current amounts of stress my body has been under, I can't really see it any other way....
Only recently has my life been somewhat decent dorming here at Purchase.....
The roommate is still the biggest fucking pain in my ass, but I can't change that fact.....I can tell him 100 times to do something, but if he feels like continuing to just be an asshole, then I'm not going to be the one to start something and get the blame for it.....
I think if it wasn't for people like Jess, Carolyn, Marissa and the rest of the people that now regularly populate the outside of my room, I probably would've finally snapped a long time ago....Being able to interact with someone other than the fucking septic tank of a roommate I have when in my dorm has allowed me to finally enjoy my position a little better....
Yet it also made me realize something I've been doing for the past year or so....
I tend to keep the women I come in contact with here at a distance....not an "ew get away from me" kind of thing....although, that one girl doesn't count....that was one of those times....
...but it's just that, the ones I've met, I just make sure to keep the relationship at a friend-to-friend level.....nothing more....
It's not even that I want to do it....it just seems to be this instinct auto-pilot I go on whenever I see a girl show some sort of interest.....
It's killing me because this is probably one of the loneliest places I've ever had to stay in, and any sort of relationship would warm this otherwise frigid place.....
But it's just been that me and relationships haven't really had a history of working out, in any situation....and I don't really think I'd be able to go through something like that should it happen again at this point in the road....that would be the straw that would break my proverbial back....
I dunno.....I feel like I'm rambling and I'm beginning to hate that.....
Not like I don't spend a lot of my own time rambling to myself these very same problems....
I just feel tired....physically and emotionally.....I spend the entire week in this room, working on something that's due for another class the few hours I get before having to literally spend an entire day in a darkroom....the entire time, my body is in this constant state of tension, having to listen to my roommate thrash horribly on his guitar and talk about him coming out (which was just recently...but that is a totally awkward story for another time), or no body loving him or some other gem from his psychologically fucked up lifestyle....on top of that, I can't even sleep in the room since the heater is locked on 93 degrees, and any relationship I could have possibly followed probably went the way of the dodo thanks to my intrepid sense of self-preservation....
Then all of a sudden, we throw in having to figure out what the rest of my life is going to be based off of......and now my car is getting destroyed....
....so yea, my mind and body are pretty tapped out....
But I mean, it's not all bad....If I can look past all of the things I've been worrying over these past few weeks, I still have the apartment to look forward to....being able to live in my own place is probably going to be one of the best things that's going to happen in the near future....
And hopefully we'll still be playing the show at the end of the month.....nothing big, just a few songs....but it'll be good to actually say that I finally "did it"....
Christmas and Thanksgiving is coming up....and who could be sad about gorging after having starved yourself for about 4 months, followed by presents and money....
Plus, I'll get to see the "Crazy Monday" gang again, and hopefully there will be a few days in between of drinking and possibly other delightful substances....
...can't forget to look at the brighter side....
Well, I think I've said what I needed to say....
Regardless of how I feel, there is still tomorrow to deal with.....good or bad....
But what do you care?....You stopped reading this about 3 mins ago....
This weekend has really been kind of a punch in the stomach for me....
I had so many things that I wanted to take care of, catch up on, fix and clean, and I only ended up doing about 10% of everything.....
I'm getting tired, tired of the way that my life is going....
I had a conversation with my mom tonight.....which actually brought all my fears and doubts together into one happy little sentence....
...I'm afraid I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing something I "have" to do, instead of something I "want" to do....
I'm terrified actually....because it seems to be becoming an all too apparent reality....
I've been through so many majors, and I still don't know what I want to do....what I want to concentrate in.....
Well, I do....but it just isn't practical....and I guess I just can't count out the importance of that factor.....
...I just don't want to end up one of those people who studied something that they didn't particularly like, but figured they could put up with because it paid well....
I don't want to be that....and I'm afraid that if I don't do just that, I'll just be some 30 year old musician chasing a dream that never came....
I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy......maybe it really is just a matter of me not looking at things so stubbornly....or just biting the bullet and picking something.....
...maybe it is just that simple....but under the current amounts of stress my body has been under, I can't really see it any other way....
Only recently has my life been somewhat decent dorming here at Purchase.....
The roommate is still the biggest fucking pain in my ass, but I can't change that fact.....I can tell him 100 times to do something, but if he feels like continuing to just be an asshole, then I'm not going to be the one to start something and get the blame for it.....
I think if it wasn't for people like Jess, Carolyn, Marissa and the rest of the people that now regularly populate the outside of my room, I probably would've finally snapped a long time ago....Being able to interact with someone other than the fucking septic tank of a roommate I have when in my dorm has allowed me to finally enjoy my position a little better....
Yet it also made me realize something I've been doing for the past year or so....
I tend to keep the women I come in contact with here at a distance....not an "ew get away from me" kind of thing....although, that one girl doesn't count....that was one of those times....
...but it's just that, the ones I've met, I just make sure to keep the relationship at a friend-to-friend level.....nothing more....
It's not even that I want to do it....it just seems to be this instinct auto-pilot I go on whenever I see a girl show some sort of interest.....
It's killing me because this is probably one of the loneliest places I've ever had to stay in, and any sort of relationship would warm this otherwise frigid place.....
But it's just been that me and relationships haven't really had a history of working out, in any situation....and I don't really think I'd be able to go through something like that should it happen again at this point in the road....that would be the straw that would break my proverbial back....
I dunno.....I feel like I'm rambling and I'm beginning to hate that.....
Not like I don't spend a lot of my own time rambling to myself these very same problems....
I just feel tired....physically and emotionally.....I spend the entire week in this room, working on something that's due for another class the few hours I get before having to literally spend an entire day in a darkroom....the entire time, my body is in this constant state of tension, having to listen to my roommate thrash horribly on his guitar and talk about him coming out (which was just recently...but that is a totally awkward story for another time), or no body loving him or some other gem from his psychologically fucked up lifestyle....on top of that, I can't even sleep in the room since the heater is locked on 93 degrees, and any relationship I could have possibly followed probably went the way of the dodo thanks to my intrepid sense of self-preservation....
Then all of a sudden, we throw in having to figure out what the rest of my life is going to be based off of......and now my car is getting destroyed....
....so yea, my mind and body are pretty tapped out....
But I mean, it's not all bad....If I can look past all of the things I've been worrying over these past few weeks, I still have the apartment to look forward to....being able to live in my own place is probably going to be one of the best things that's going to happen in the near future....
And hopefully we'll still be playing the show at the end of the month.....nothing big, just a few songs....but it'll be good to actually say that I finally "did it"....
Christmas and Thanksgiving is coming up....and who could be sad about gorging after having starved yourself for about 4 months, followed by presents and money....
Plus, I'll get to see the "Crazy Monday" gang again, and hopefully there will be a few days in between of drinking and possibly other delightful substances....
...can't forget to look at the brighter side....
Well, I think I've said what I needed to say....
Regardless of how I feel, there is still tomorrow to deal with.....good or bad....
But what do you care?....You stopped reading this about 3 mins ago....