i don't know what to think. or what to do. or how to act. or what to say anymore.
i'm tired of being me. i'm tired of people talking about someone they don't know. i'm tired of people talking about you because you were my best friend for 6 years. and no matter how much i don't understand what happened, and no matter how much you hurt my feelings by everything that was written and said and hearsay and hearneversaid, it's not right. and i just need to say that, because i am too fucking tired of the bullshit and the lies from everyone trying to pit me against you. i don't hate you. however it's weird because i don't miss you. i'm just tired and confused. that's all i know. i don't know what i'm doing and i hate all of this bullshit advice from people who don't know what's going on. i'm tired of people who don't know me, have never known me, never taken the time to even talk to me, talking about me with exs and people i care about- affecting their opinions of me. yes, i realize i am not perfect. i have never claimed to be. i'm just trying to find some happiness in the middle of a town of chaos and lies. when i said i hate lynbrook i wasn't kidding. i feel it confining me, suffocating my brain and all i can do is sit and wait. i'm tired of waiting, i have no patience, and this is really starting to get to me. i wanted to go to the city tonight but i didn't. i wanted to hang out with my boyfriend tonight, but i didn't. i knew what happened shouldn't have and i know that i am just setting myself up for failure again, but that's all i seem to be able to do recently. i'm sorry i whine so much, but this is who i am right now. if you don't like it or can't deal with it, or are just simply tired of hearing it- take me off of your friends list, write me out of your life too, i don't care. i don't know what to say to make any of you happy anymore. it is none of your business what i do- you already know i'm not doing what i'm suposed to, because that's what you hear right? you already know i'm screwing up my life, because that's what everyone keeps saying right? i'm fucking asshole who can't keep a friend or a boyfriend or a lover or a fuckign anything right? i'm a stoner and a drunk and a loser and smoker and a shmuck right? well guess what- maybe they're right. i hope not, i pray to god they're not, but by the looks of it with tonight especially- i guess they are right. and i hate that. that is something i can say that i do hate. i hate the fact that i don't feel in control of my own life anymore. not that i can even remember being in control. i'm going to pretend for now that i am okay and i'm going to stop crying and i'm going to forget the fact that i wrote this. cuz none of you, i already know are going to comment after all. i mean come on, pretty much everybody thinks i'm an asshole and that i live in my own little world, so it probably doesn't even matter that no one is there- cuz i wouldn't notice them anyways. i guess that's all that matters right? taking care of yourself? well what happens when you can't? when you don't know how? when you will go to anyone looking for help and there is no one there? or when there is someone there, but not the person who's suposed to be and you make a mistake? i don't deserve forgiveness for anything i might've done and have done wrong. i don't want forgiveness. i just want out. i want out of this town and out of this school and out of this game. i'm not going to post in livejournal anymore. or at least until i feel something different than tonight cuz this is ridiculous. i can't control myself and i want to delete every line i've written because this is who i am and i don't know how to explain it better. i don't want to be rejected again, i guess when you've already been shunned it shouldn't matter though... right? does it matter anymore? does it matter that i can't seem to breathe without someone telling me it's okay to? or that i don't know how to say no, i'm fine or just keep myself together when it's important? it's only the times when i don't have to stay together that i do, all those times i should, i can't do it. i just fucking can't do it. and those words she said. god do they fucking hurt me. i hate that she can write them. i don't feel that way. i don't want to believe she does, i don't understand how she can. i don't want to ever talk to her again simply because she could muster up the strength and indignation to write them. even if she doesn't feel that way, i can't deal with the fact that she could write it. i don't understand. i must be the worst person on the face of the earth to have my old best friend write such heinous things about me. and you know what? maybe i am. maybe that would explain why i can't do anything right. have i ever done anything right?? james hopleman seems to think i used to be a good kid with a good heart seeing a good boy and now that i'm a stonerdrunksmokerslut who will fuck anything that moves. is that who i am? is that what he means when he says that? what do words mean? how can people say things they don't mean? do i do that? if i don't know what to say or can't express myself i either ramble or ignore. end of story. how do people lie and exaggerate and just make up things in their minds about me when they aren't true? they must be true. i don't think the kids in this town are that mean to be able to think them up. or even that creative. i hate lynbrook. with every beat in my chest and every sigh and every fucking blink i hate this town because it gave me everything i wanted and more and i couldn't understand why or how or for what purpose? i didn't see it when it happened, i couldn't hold on to it, i didn't know how to define it and in this town and in this country andthis fucking world we must stop, objectify, and label every single thing/emotion/thought to be able to fit it in a little tiny box with a title and purpose. i don't know why i'm rambling, i don't know what's the matter with me, maybe my mom was right with the doctor, maybe i do have an actual imbalance because how can someone who was given everything feel this way, act this way, be this fucking sarcastic when they can't even breathe? i'm not trying to melodramatic by the way, i'm not trying to be emotionally immature, i'm not trying nor am i being there for any of you as a friend tonight. i refuse to do anything but sit and attempt to straighten out my life. because i am not happy tonight and i want to know how i could be yesterday and not today. is there something wrong with my head or am i just lying to myself? am i okay right now or was i lying yesterday? what the fuck is going on inside of me? i don't want this anymore- i hate joe for starting me on this thinking trip- i hate him for saying everything right and with a cute little joke at the end to make it all lighter and make me stop crying long enough to kindof snort and giggle. i hate that i can't make people laugh like that. i hate that i hate that. i hate hate. i want to be in love. i want to have someone to take care of me and tell me everything is going to be okay, or that everything is alright, it's all happening, something goddamnit! why is there no one there, even when i try and make people that person, it doesn't work. there is no filling the gap in my heart, i think the gap is me. i think i'm missing something, not everyone else. i think there is something the matter with me. i don't want to find out what it is, no i do, i just don't want to know what it actually means. i hate having excuses, i want to take credit for everything i've ever done, smart or dumb, kind or cruel. they are all because of me and i did them all whether i was okay or not shouldn't matter. i want to call everyone i know and have them scream at me and then i want to walk outside and have lightning strike me down. quick and seemingly clean- i won't give too much stress to my family cuz they couldn't prevent it and my friends would soon forget, because that's what friends do. i love looking through aim profiles and seeing the rip at the bottom and then checking again in a month and it not being there anymore. i love thinking that one day i'll be forgotten too. i don't know if i should keep ryan on my profile, but i can't let go, i wonder if he'd want me to. i wonder if he is looking down at me from somewhere and shaking his head asking why i'm still here fucking up and he's up there alone. i hope to god he isn't alone. that would be unbearable to think. he doesn't deserve it. i miss good people. i want them back. i'm alone tonight. and i'm cold. i'm tired and lonely and my neck hurts, my toes are numb and my lips are dry, my insides feel all out of place and my head is flying in a million and one different directions ripping my heart and soul in shreads as it tries to take off and fails, continuously and constantly. it fails. hah. that's awesome. fucking awesome. it fails just like me, nothing works right on me, or in me. i'm broken. gay and emo and probably melodramatic and emotionally immature, but i don't care. i feel broken and i don't know what to do about it. i can't call tim he isn't home, i can't call ricky, god knows i can't call ricky, i don't want to call joe cuz he has already helped me too much this night, and there is no one else but kari, but she is probably sleeping. it's halloween and i hate myself. the sole person i hate is myself and that is being one hundred percent honest, in fact, i'd like you to quote me next time you or anyone spews hatred or casts judgements about me. i think it might play well into the categories you've all placed me into. after all i do like to help out a friend.
goodnight
goodnight