back in the saddle again...
Well THE trip is finally over - this past week, I have been in 4 (6) states: Washington, Idaho, Montana, and Florida (Nevada and Utah as well if you count hanging out in the airport waiting for connecting flights).
Hanging out in the Lake District, with all the mountains, pine trees, and sheer summer beauty of the Pacific Northwest was unexpected, but so appreciated. I definitely had a Twilight moment when Decode came on as I was looking out the window at the scenery rolling by - the mist slowly lifting off the pines.
The wedding in Missoula was awesome - decorating, hanging-out, belly dancing, and discussing the zombpocalipse instead of sleeping - amazingly good times.
Aaaaaaand I finally have all my stuff back from LA! I never knew I had so many cute clothes/shoes and I'm so thrilled to have my DVDs back (firefly marathon is soooo happening).
Having my stuff in storage on the other side of the country was really draining me and I only realized it after I got it all back. It's not even the actual stuff, but the situation that led up to it being there and the whole emotional process I would go through everytime I thought about it. I feel like I have a deeper appreciation for Rowling's horcrux construct - yeah I know I just made the nerdiest reference ever... But on a serious note, now that the whole West Coast Saga has finally come to a close, I am so much more willing to embark on something new. A week ago the thought of going somewhere new and starting "all over" seemed so impossible and not worth it (because I was still unconciously beating myself up for how messed up everything still was from the last time I attempted it) but almost immediately after I finalized shipping the box I had just filled with everything I needed from he storage unit, I found myself thinking about how I could easily set up shop anywhere with just an air matress, a computer, and one suit case full of clothes, etc. were I to move somewhere new for a job, grad school, etc.
I can honestly say now that I can accept (and even apprerciate certain aspects of) things turning out the way they did. Sure it would have been really fun and exciting to be in California, but now instead of mourning the loss of the idealized life I kept imagining, I can take a step back and see the ways in which being there could have been really limiting too. I have a much more balanced perspective on it, and see it as one of many paths I can choose to take as opposed to the ultimate answer to everything which crashed and burned and left me stranded and desolate.
I'm still unsure of what's next and this experience has taught me to be a might more cautious about giving up what I've established for the seemingly greener grass on the other side (this time I'll just go check it out first without bringing all my worldly posessions with me!)
And while I really deeply miss "being with someone" and how being part of a couple can color how you experience things, I'm choosing, essentially for the first time in my life, to see what the world looks like without having a relationship (actual or intended) defining my direction, like a dangling carrot. It's no wonder I've been kind of stunned for the past few months - it's one hell of an adjustment. But I'm really just begining to grasp the scope of what's possible when you aren't defining yourself based on someone else.
Exciting stuff, huh?