Fun things and not so fun thoughts
I have mailed out all those Christmas gifts, except for the few stragglers that I do not have updated addresses on. I fear that all my post office initiative has been used up and I will keep putting off mailing those last few packages, until the next thing I know it'll be Easter and I still won't have mailed Christmas presents to people. When that happens I just stick their birthday present in the box too and mail them together as if that was what I had planned to do all along.
Yesterday we had a Circulation Staff Christmas Party. It was fun and I got food to eat. We exchanged gifts too, so I got to open some presents. Yay! The party started at 3pm, which is when I get off work; it lasted until 5:30pm so I stayed pretty late. I think I can write it down as comp time (time we stay extra but don't get paid for, which we can use later to leave early one day, etc.), but I'm not too sure about the moral ramifications of such a decision. Whatever, they don't pay me enough anyway. I was in the building, that's work enough for me. I will be getting more comp time today, but for a less enjoyable activity: we have a workshop on "Conflict Resolution" and then there is the Monroe Library Christmas Party. ugh The workshop will be useless and boring, but I can live with that since they all are. The party will be awful too. It is an awkward wine-and-cheese affair where I will be forced to mingle and pretend to be pleasant to mean people that gossip about me behind my back. With this in mind I wore knee boots and a short skirt today, so that those poor people will have something to talk about besides their misconceived notions of my "coldness".
I have a three day weekend to squander before I start jetting across the country on Monday. It will be nice to relax, and will probably be more restful than the rest of my vacation, since visiting friends and family can be fun but is also exhausting. I had a bit of an anxiety attack a week or so ago when thinking about seeing my grandmother. My family lives with my grandma (my dad's mom) in VA. She's like 80 years old but is still very active. Lately she has been feeling sick or whatever, which is not surprising for someone her age. But it makes me worry about her dying (she's actually broached the subject with me, about what will happen if she dies). Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about her death because I care about her so much. See, now that sounded cold. But I've never really gotten along with her, our personalities clash for no particular reason. I'd feel sad, but I would not be prostrate with grief or anything. No, I worry for more selfish reasons. If she dies I will be left to take care of my family. My brother, who is only a year-and-a-half younger than me, has moved out so that is fine. My sister is about to graduate high school this summer, so she's on her way as well. My dad is still alive, but he was in a coma a few years ago and ever since we've had to take care of him. He is doing a lot better now and gets around and is coherent, but he takes about a million pills and has bad days and has started drinking again because he lost his memory of the last couple years before his coma when he was in AA. So, if she dies I have to take care of my dad. How did this role reversal occur? And I'm even more bitter about it since I do not like my dad, mainly due to his alcoholism. I've gotten to the point where I would like to patch things up with him but I just can't break down that wall; he no longer angers me, I just feel something like pity and resignation when I look at him. Anyway, when we had this "death talk" my grandma said she had looked into assisted living homes for him, which sounds weird since he is only 56 (almost 57) years old. And I said I would be willing to move back up to VA, which would be fine but with the job market what it is I don't know if that's possible. And I don't have savings on which to support myself while I am unemployed and looking for a job. All this sounds like it is something new, but I have been worrying about it for awhile. The anxiety just resurfaces at odd times and runs around and around in my head. I hate worrying whenever the phone rings during the early morning, in case it is someone with bad news (family only calls you in the morning if it is bad news, otherwise they would wait until cheaper evening rates to talk). I hate thinking about mortgages and estate taxes. I hate that when I pray for my grandma to be well I know it is out of selfish fears rather than familial love. I hate that I wish my dad was dead so that I wouldn't have to worry about this kind of stuff at my age. I act like I am way too young to deal with these things, but at what point are you considered a grown up and therefore able to handle these things? 25? 28? 30? 35? I am an adult and I am old enough, but I don't want all this responsibility. Why can't I just live my hermit life and be left in peace, only emerging from my shell to dole out Christmas gifts and good cheer for the holidays?
God, this is depressing. Sorry about that. I will now resort to my tried-and-true method of avoidance and stop thinking about this at all. Instead I will think about what to do on my three day weekend and what I should pack for my trip. On the whole, winter clothes are unattractive and take up way too much room in my suitcase.
Yesterday we had a Circulation Staff Christmas Party. It was fun and I got food to eat. We exchanged gifts too, so I got to open some presents. Yay! The party started at 3pm, which is when I get off work; it lasted until 5:30pm so I stayed pretty late. I think I can write it down as comp time (time we stay extra but don't get paid for, which we can use later to leave early one day, etc.), but I'm not too sure about the moral ramifications of such a decision. Whatever, they don't pay me enough anyway. I was in the building, that's work enough for me. I will be getting more comp time today, but for a less enjoyable activity: we have a workshop on "Conflict Resolution" and then there is the Monroe Library Christmas Party. ugh The workshop will be useless and boring, but I can live with that since they all are. The party will be awful too. It is an awkward wine-and-cheese affair where I will be forced to mingle and pretend to be pleasant to mean people that gossip about me behind my back. With this in mind I wore knee boots and a short skirt today, so that those poor people will have something to talk about besides their misconceived notions of my "coldness".
I have a three day weekend to squander before I start jetting across the country on Monday. It will be nice to relax, and will probably be more restful than the rest of my vacation, since visiting friends and family can be fun but is also exhausting. I had a bit of an anxiety attack a week or so ago when thinking about seeing my grandmother. My family lives with my grandma (my dad's mom) in VA. She's like 80 years old but is still very active. Lately she has been feeling sick or whatever, which is not surprising for someone her age. But it makes me worry about her dying (she's actually broached the subject with me, about what will happen if she dies). Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about her death because I care about her so much. See, now that sounded cold. But I've never really gotten along with her, our personalities clash for no particular reason. I'd feel sad, but I would not be prostrate with grief or anything. No, I worry for more selfish reasons. If she dies I will be left to take care of my family. My brother, who is only a year-and-a-half younger than me, has moved out so that is fine. My sister is about to graduate high school this summer, so she's on her way as well. My dad is still alive, but he was in a coma a few years ago and ever since we've had to take care of him. He is doing a lot better now and gets around and is coherent, but he takes about a million pills and has bad days and has started drinking again because he lost his memory of the last couple years before his coma when he was in AA. So, if she dies I have to take care of my dad. How did this role reversal occur? And I'm even more bitter about it since I do not like my dad, mainly due to his alcoholism. I've gotten to the point where I would like to patch things up with him but I just can't break down that wall; he no longer angers me, I just feel something like pity and resignation when I look at him. Anyway, when we had this "death talk" my grandma said she had looked into assisted living homes for him, which sounds weird since he is only 56 (almost 57) years old. And I said I would be willing to move back up to VA, which would be fine but with the job market what it is I don't know if that's possible. And I don't have savings on which to support myself while I am unemployed and looking for a job. All this sounds like it is something new, but I have been worrying about it for awhile. The anxiety just resurfaces at odd times and runs around and around in my head. I hate worrying whenever the phone rings during the early morning, in case it is someone with bad news (family only calls you in the morning if it is bad news, otherwise they would wait until cheaper evening rates to talk). I hate thinking about mortgages and estate taxes. I hate that when I pray for my grandma to be well I know it is out of selfish fears rather than familial love. I hate that I wish my dad was dead so that I wouldn't have to worry about this kind of stuff at my age. I act like I am way too young to deal with these things, but at what point are you considered a grown up and therefore able to handle these things? 25? 28? 30? 35? I am an adult and I am old enough, but I don't want all this responsibility. Why can't I just live my hermit life and be left in peace, only emerging from my shell to dole out Christmas gifts and good cheer for the holidays?
God, this is depressing. Sorry about that. I will now resort to my tried-and-true method of avoidance and stop thinking about this at all. Instead I will think about what to do on my three day weekend and what I should pack for my trip. On the whole, winter clothes are unattractive and take up way too much room in my suitcase.