Small, but not.
Just a tiny update.
For the most part, I've been logging on to see how the lives of others are progressing. I get the urge to write something here and there, but it's usually to respond to what I've read, so I stop myself. I am fairly removed from the lives of those I read about, and so my responses wouldn't be from the right place.
I really want to be helpful, and I think that that is my deep down intention, but it's always masked by a need to be right, a need to appear like a guru, to sweep down and save the ones I love from themselves. Utter bullshit. I hate that feeling, and I know it's been there for a while, and will continue to. When I am with those I care about, be it on the phone or in person (which admittedly, is rare)I am trying to be more present, to listen more than I respond. And at the same time, I am finding myself a little too withdrawn, still plotting out what I would say, if I were that sage I imagine.
Of course, as I mention it here it seems like that's the dominant, and so makes me seem devoid of any other thoughts. Which, of course, is not the case. But I figured if there's anything for me to share, it's why I'm not sharing.
I know my friends can handle themselves, and have long since replaced me with more accessible people who can actually support them, or with the idea of those people if they didn't exist in their lives right now. And I don't mean this melodramatically. I know that I still have an important place in their lives, as they have in mine. But it's healthy for me to come to terms that I may not always be able to occupy the same space or be the same person in their lives. I'm not always going to be able to be at a place where my advice is appropriate or welcome.
Life is alright right now. I know the stress is going to hit soon enough, but right now I can just relax and take things as they come. I've got a lot to do in my own life, so I guess I can focus there.
For the most part, I've been logging on to see how the lives of others are progressing. I get the urge to write something here and there, but it's usually to respond to what I've read, so I stop myself. I am fairly removed from the lives of those I read about, and so my responses wouldn't be from the right place.
I really want to be helpful, and I think that that is my deep down intention, but it's always masked by a need to be right, a need to appear like a guru, to sweep down and save the ones I love from themselves. Utter bullshit. I hate that feeling, and I know it's been there for a while, and will continue to. When I am with those I care about, be it on the phone or in person (which admittedly, is rare)I am trying to be more present, to listen more than I respond. And at the same time, I am finding myself a little too withdrawn, still plotting out what I would say, if I were that sage I imagine.
Of course, as I mention it here it seems like that's the dominant, and so makes me seem devoid of any other thoughts. Which, of course, is not the case. But I figured if there's anything for me to share, it's why I'm not sharing.
I know my friends can handle themselves, and have long since replaced me with more accessible people who can actually support them, or with the idea of those people if they didn't exist in their lives right now. And I don't mean this melodramatically. I know that I still have an important place in their lives, as they have in mine. But it's healthy for me to come to terms that I may not always be able to occupy the same space or be the same person in their lives. I'm not always going to be able to be at a place where my advice is appropriate or welcome.
Life is alright right now. I know the stress is going to hit soon enough, but right now I can just relax and take things as they come. I've got a lot to do in my own life, so I guess I can focus there.