believe the news, i'm gone for good
i don't think today could've been any more fucked up. things haven't been that great lately, and i was hoping they'd get better during christmas break, but after today, i really don't want to face tomorrow. it sure would be nice to just die for a few days. maybe even a few weeks.
so it started out really shitty. i had a really bad dream, and i woke up in a panic. dörte (my other german friend that's way better than you) was there to comfort me, but i was still upset.
things were starting to get better, but then alysa broke up with me. i didn't even see it coming. she said "i shouldn't be in a relationship right now" and "it's not you, it's me" and "i still like you and everything". here's a word of advice for anybody who's planning on breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend: DON'T FUCKING LIE. just tell them the truth. tell them you've found somebody else. it hurts so much more when you give them all of that bullshit. and maybe you shouldn't put something like "there's this boy that means the world to me. what's his name? you're just gonna have to find out" and "i love matt <333" in your fucking profile, because not only is it obvious, but it makes them feel completely worthless and lied to.
mike's dog phoenix had to be put to sleep today. that was another thing i didn't expect. even though i'm not usually at mike's house that often, i fucking loved that dog. i seriously feel like i've lost a family member.
meghan cozens is back in town. i was thinking about calling her or something and making plans, but she'll probably be busy, and i don't want to tear her away from everybody else. that would just piss everybody off.
it's christmas time again, and that means bad memories. it was a long time ago, but one christmas eve, my dad attempted suicide. this wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last, either. my mom just told me that morning, "you won't be going to your dad's house today because he's sick." i was later told he tried to kill himself, and i suppose if i hadn't been born, he wouldn't have had to deal with marriage problems, he wouldn't have to be so stressed out about money, and he wouldn't have stayed up all night just to argue with my mom. out of everything in my childhood, that's what i remember the most. my mom and dad would call each other just to argue and tell each other how horrible they were doing as parents. i don't like to think about how much pain i've caused them, but i can't help it. it's my fault.
everybody has been really bitchy lately. chip chewed me out over a situation that had nothing to do with me, my step dad has been taking everything out on me, and my mom hasn't been in a good mood. i don't know what's wrong, but i want her to feel happy again.
i don't know, maybe all of this is my fault. maybe i shouldn't interact with other people, because i can't help but fucking everything up. i don't think i've ever had one day when everything just exploded like this, though. i'm trying to be optimistic, but i just don't see the point anymore. for the first time in my life, it feels like things are falling apart, and i'm completely helpless. i can only sit back and watch the show.
so it started out really shitty. i had a really bad dream, and i woke up in a panic. dörte (my other german friend that's way better than you) was there to comfort me, but i was still upset.
things were starting to get better, but then alysa broke up with me. i didn't even see it coming. she said "i shouldn't be in a relationship right now" and "it's not you, it's me" and "i still like you and everything". here's a word of advice for anybody who's planning on breaking up with their boyfriend or girlfriend: DON'T FUCKING LIE. just tell them the truth. tell them you've found somebody else. it hurts so much more when you give them all of that bullshit. and maybe you shouldn't put something like "there's this boy that means the world to me. what's his name? you're just gonna have to find out" and "i love matt <333" in your fucking profile, because not only is it obvious, but it makes them feel completely worthless and lied to.
mike's dog phoenix had to be put to sleep today. that was another thing i didn't expect. even though i'm not usually at mike's house that often, i fucking loved that dog. i seriously feel like i've lost a family member.
meghan cozens is back in town. i was thinking about calling her or something and making plans, but she'll probably be busy, and i don't want to tear her away from everybody else. that would just piss everybody off.
it's christmas time again, and that means bad memories. it was a long time ago, but one christmas eve, my dad attempted suicide. this wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last, either. my mom just told me that morning, "you won't be going to your dad's house today because he's sick." i was later told he tried to kill himself, and i suppose if i hadn't been born, he wouldn't have had to deal with marriage problems, he wouldn't have to be so stressed out about money, and he wouldn't have stayed up all night just to argue with my mom. out of everything in my childhood, that's what i remember the most. my mom and dad would call each other just to argue and tell each other how horrible they were doing as parents. i don't like to think about how much pain i've caused them, but i can't help it. it's my fault.
everybody has been really bitchy lately. chip chewed me out over a situation that had nothing to do with me, my step dad has been taking everything out on me, and my mom hasn't been in a good mood. i don't know what's wrong, but i want her to feel happy again.
i don't know, maybe all of this is my fault. maybe i shouldn't interact with other people, because i can't help but fucking everything up. i don't think i've ever had one day when everything just exploded like this, though. i'm trying to be optimistic, but i just don't see the point anymore. for the first time in my life, it feels like things are falling apart, and i'm completely helpless. i can only sit back and watch the show.