(no subject)
i guess my feelings right now can be summarized into three main points. friends, communication, and the "weight".
i've never had this much "friend drama" at one time. i'm starting to grow apart from a lot of my friends, mostly because all of us are changing so much. it's awkward being around alex now. i never know what to say to her. it seems to me that seth is everything she needs, so there's no reason to bother with me. i guess i'm wrong, but it's just the way i see it. a lot of my other friends are changing, too. maybe it's a good thing that some of my closer friends are drinking and doing drugs. now i get to experience first hand what it's like to see that. now i know how much i hurt people when i did it. now i know why mike was so disappointed and hurt when he found out about it. i just hope i never kept anybody up at night crying about it or made them think too hard about it. it's not fun.
it's no secret that i can't communicate my thoughts and feelings to people. it's more than just me not wanting to. i just can't do it. there's always that feeling that nobody will understand what i'm trying to say. it's hard to verbalize my thoughts because they can be really complex. also, a lot of people can't keep things to themselves. i'll tell them something that i want to be between us, and before you know it, i'm discussing that same thing with somebody else they told. it happens a lot and it gets more and more frustrating.
most people who are close to me know about the "weight". basically, it has to do with this burdon i constantly carry around. i don't know why i always feel so depressed all the time, but i do. whenever i'm happy for a while, it happens again. it literally feels like a weight falling on my chest. that feeling of grief just takes over. last night was probably the worst case of it i've ever had. i was at a christmas party for speech and debate and i was really, laughing, all that stuff. when i was standing in the kitchen at around nine o'clock, it suddenly hit me. this time, it actually hurt. my whole body just felt weak and sore. i sat down, but it didn't help. i told some people that i was leaving, and they looked at me weird and asked what was wrong. i just told them that i was tired. i barely made it out to my car, but when i finally did, i sat down and started crying. not just a few tears, but almost like an emotional breakdown or something. i couldn't stop the whole way home. the crying stopped after a while, but the feeling hasn't gone away even though it started about ten hours ago. the thing that scares me the most is that...i've had this feeling before. the last time it happened, i tried to kill myself. the only difference between then and now is that the feeling that started last night came at me faster and it was more intense. i can't kill myself, though. it's not an option anymore. i don't know how to cope with a feeling if i'm not strong enough to deal with it.
that's pretty much everything. maybe the rest of the weekend will be better, but i don't feel like i can face anybody. oh well.
i've never had this much "friend drama" at one time. i'm starting to grow apart from a lot of my friends, mostly because all of us are changing so much. it's awkward being around alex now. i never know what to say to her. it seems to me that seth is everything she needs, so there's no reason to bother with me. i guess i'm wrong, but it's just the way i see it. a lot of my other friends are changing, too. maybe it's a good thing that some of my closer friends are drinking and doing drugs. now i get to experience first hand what it's like to see that. now i know how much i hurt people when i did it. now i know why mike was so disappointed and hurt when he found out about it. i just hope i never kept anybody up at night crying about it or made them think too hard about it. it's not fun.
it's no secret that i can't communicate my thoughts and feelings to people. it's more than just me not wanting to. i just can't do it. there's always that feeling that nobody will understand what i'm trying to say. it's hard to verbalize my thoughts because they can be really complex. also, a lot of people can't keep things to themselves. i'll tell them something that i want to be between us, and before you know it, i'm discussing that same thing with somebody else they told. it happens a lot and it gets more and more frustrating.
most people who are close to me know about the "weight". basically, it has to do with this burdon i constantly carry around. i don't know why i always feel so depressed all the time, but i do. whenever i'm happy for a while, it happens again. it literally feels like a weight falling on my chest. that feeling of grief just takes over. last night was probably the worst case of it i've ever had. i was at a christmas party for speech and debate and i was really, laughing, all that stuff. when i was standing in the kitchen at around nine o'clock, it suddenly hit me. this time, it actually hurt. my whole body just felt weak and sore. i sat down, but it didn't help. i told some people that i was leaving, and they looked at me weird and asked what was wrong. i just told them that i was tired. i barely made it out to my car, but when i finally did, i sat down and started crying. not just a few tears, but almost like an emotional breakdown or something. i couldn't stop the whole way home. the crying stopped after a while, but the feeling hasn't gone away even though it started about ten hours ago. the thing that scares me the most is that...i've had this feeling before. the last time it happened, i tried to kill myself. the only difference between then and now is that the feeling that started last night came at me faster and it was more intense. i can't kill myself, though. it's not an option anymore. i don't know how to cope with a feeling if i'm not strong enough to deal with it.
that's pretty much everything. maybe the rest of the weekend will be better, but i don't feel like i can face anybody. oh well.