Why try?
Sometimes I wonder that. I don't know how to feel anymore. Especially when all I can feel is saddness creeping up on me again. I hate it. The Fall is my favorite time of year yet it seems my depression gets worse then for some reason. Maybe because it is a prelude to Christmas my mother's favorite time of year.
Also though I love my 'brothers' I feel as if I don't fit in. Hell, I feel as if I don't fit in with anyone on campus. It's like no one wants to be around me really anymore. I try too hard maybe to be liked because I feel unlikable. I also feel like my bestfriend and I are seperating. I feel so lost and alone. Do you realize how many times I wished that I could be an introvert so that I wouldn't care about feeling alone, because I then I would like it? One of my greatest fears is being alone, and I am living it. I want to die and yet I am too afraid of death. I want to live but feel as if I am loosing my strenght to continue.
And for those of you wondering YES I have been taking my meds. I can't even meditate anymore... Not the peaceful meditation... I become blank and stare off into the distance alot... and GA has not made an apperance in a long time, so that's not to worry about. Don't worry about suicide either... as I said earlier I am too afraid of death to do that.
I am going to continue with every day life, trudging through because that is all that I can do. So, I am going to keep going. I just don't want to anymore. You want to know what I would like to do??? I would like to go somewhere, crawl in a hole or a cave with my comforters and pillows, lay down and never get up again. That's it... just sleep until I can't sleep anymore. Maybe I just need a hybernation of sorts or something.
Also though I love my 'brothers' I feel as if I don't fit in. Hell, I feel as if I don't fit in with anyone on campus. It's like no one wants to be around me really anymore. I try too hard maybe to be liked because I feel unlikable. I also feel like my bestfriend and I are seperating. I feel so lost and alone. Do you realize how many times I wished that I could be an introvert so that I wouldn't care about feeling alone, because I then I would like it? One of my greatest fears is being alone, and I am living it. I want to die and yet I am too afraid of death. I want to live but feel as if I am loosing my strenght to continue.
And for those of you wondering YES I have been taking my meds. I can't even meditate anymore... Not the peaceful meditation... I become blank and stare off into the distance alot... and GA has not made an apperance in a long time, so that's not to worry about. Don't worry about suicide either... as I said earlier I am too afraid of death to do that.
I am going to continue with every day life, trudging through because that is all that I can do. So, I am going to keep going. I just don't want to anymore. You want to know what I would like to do??? I would like to go somewhere, crawl in a hole or a cave with my comforters and pillows, lay down and never get up again. That's it... just sleep until I can't sleep anymore. Maybe I just need a hybernation of sorts or something.