Dear you.
I'm doing this to journal my thoughts, to write things down in case I forget. I think I am fine, but maybe somedays are just harder than others.
Anyway, I want to talk about mummy. To talk about the past year. You know it's scary how you never know that something was your last time. It's like that video I saw on Tiktok where someone said "One day you logged off from MSN not knowing that was going to be your last".
Mum has been battling cancer since 2012. Lung cancer stage 3B. I recalled the day I came home from Uni, dad fetched me back from school. It was a happy day. I was looking forward to the weekend and just catching up on dramas. While eating my favourite packed fried rice at the sofa, mum sat me and bro down to break the news. I told myself that I'll never eat at the sofa again. We talked about next steps, surgery, chemotherapy. Mum lost her hair, we went to Parkway to get a nice wig.
I recalled when Mum sat down at the wig shop in Parkway. Lady asked her "why don't you just shave your head now? I can help you", and mum looked at me for my opinion. I told her she will look perfect, just do it.
After she got bald, Dad told her she looked so beautiful. I hugged her. We happily walked out of the wig shop. It was a fun family time. We got so close. All of us.
We went back to the Oncologist for the appointments every month. Every visit I made sure to be there.
Until 2014 where it was a remission. It was the best news ever. We only saw the oncologist once a year since then. Until 2016, recurrence happened. We had to get started on life time medication. In 2019 meds weren't working, we changed it to a stronger one. And then 2020, it still wasn't working. Mum went for surgery.
2021, it came back again. Surgery again. After CNY in Feb.
Some days I look back at the photos of 2021's CNY, so much smiles and hope. Who knew that was the last time we had a proper one.
Mum experienced so much headache after the surgery. To the point where it made her nauseous. We went to polyclinics - was told it could be low iron/B12 vitamin.
Sunday 4th July 2021 - that was the day that my world came crashing. Grief doesn't start when you lose someone. It starts at the point where you realise that she will not be there by your side one day. We brought her to the GP, it was a 45 minute queue. Mum was leaning on dad and she felt so weak she could not even stand. GP encouraged us to visit the A&E.
While waiting at A&E, i snapped a photo of mum and dad. Dad was talking about people around us. Mum was leaning on him and listening. That was a picture of what home feels like. The doctor called us in, it was only me and mum due to the covid restrictions. Doctor said "Not so good news, there's a tumour in the brain. It has spread there this time." The few seconds of silence that came after... was one of the worst feeling ever in my life. Worst ever.
The months that came after was surgery after surgery, hope and then sadness, and then some hope again. I'm thankful for a partner who stayed so close by my side. Being the only one who saw me cry, who saw me lose all the strength in me, and yet picked me up and told me he'll be there while I fight this with mum.
Mummy was the strongest through this all. She drove us to her appointments, until she couldnt. She prepared meals for the family, until she couldn't. Through the 11 months before she passed, I saw the light in her eyes go out. This woman who kept her family and all the cousins so close and grounded, the one that cousins went to her for advice, the woman that was so active it made me smile. She was someone with more social activities than me lol.
I'm thankful for covid, that I had so much time to be with her everyday, we spoke so much during meals about people, about life, about work. I knew I had to treasure them, I just didn't know it was going to be so fast.
Towards the end, I went to the columbarium where eldest bro was. I asked if this was the right decision - to go for one more treatment, or to just give up. It was a sign of 'go for it'. I should have known that bro knew it was time for mum to go to him.
The moment before she passed, when I had to inject morphines to keep her breathing, to feed her water to keep her from dehydrating, while my caregiver held my hand to tell me that she wasn't breathing anymore.
I never knew I could do that without crying. It was just action after action, practical tasks one after another, to keep my mother from dying. When she passed, everyone was by her side. It was the saddest scene yet the most heartening. Family, relatives, her best friend. She was surrounded by all. I guess that's what people mean when they say how you lived is how you pass.
She lived her best life with love for everyone, and thats what everyone showed her in return.
Everyone sat at the living room while people took turns going in/out of the room.
It wasn't a sad scene at the living room though. My aunts and cousins were busy buying food for everyone, making coffee, making everyone feel at home, chit chatting. Everyone stayed till the end when the caretakers took mum away, and we all went for a dinner after.
I saw Family, humanity, love that day. So much of it. This has been the longest post ever. I'm glad I can get all my thoughts out. Sometimes I go past a place or revisit a certain memory, I still feel Mum. Mummy will be my best friend forever. I'm thankful I managed to travel with her and create so much memories.
Dear Mummy, I'll see you again. Thank you for taking care of me, of us. You have done enough for everyone, it's time you rest :)
Anyway, I want to talk about mummy. To talk about the past year. You know it's scary how you never know that something was your last time. It's like that video I saw on Tiktok where someone said "One day you logged off from MSN not knowing that was going to be your last".
Mum has been battling cancer since 2012. Lung cancer stage 3B. I recalled the day I came home from Uni, dad fetched me back from school. It was a happy day. I was looking forward to the weekend and just catching up on dramas. While eating my favourite packed fried rice at the sofa, mum sat me and bro down to break the news. I told myself that I'll never eat at the sofa again. We talked about next steps, surgery, chemotherapy. Mum lost her hair, we went to Parkway to get a nice wig.
I recalled when Mum sat down at the wig shop in Parkway. Lady asked her "why don't you just shave your head now? I can help you", and mum looked at me for my opinion. I told her she will look perfect, just do it.
After she got bald, Dad told her she looked so beautiful. I hugged her. We happily walked out of the wig shop. It was a fun family time. We got so close. All of us.
We went back to the Oncologist for the appointments every month. Every visit I made sure to be there.
Until 2014 where it was a remission. It was the best news ever. We only saw the oncologist once a year since then. Until 2016, recurrence happened. We had to get started on life time medication. In 2019 meds weren't working, we changed it to a stronger one. And then 2020, it still wasn't working. Mum went for surgery.
2021, it came back again. Surgery again. After CNY in Feb.
Some days I look back at the photos of 2021's CNY, so much smiles and hope. Who knew that was the last time we had a proper one.
Mum experienced so much headache after the surgery. To the point where it made her nauseous. We went to polyclinics - was told it could be low iron/B12 vitamin.
Sunday 4th July 2021 - that was the day that my world came crashing. Grief doesn't start when you lose someone. It starts at the point where you realise that she will not be there by your side one day. We brought her to the GP, it was a 45 minute queue. Mum was leaning on dad and she felt so weak she could not even stand. GP encouraged us to visit the A&E.
While waiting at A&E, i snapped a photo of mum and dad. Dad was talking about people around us. Mum was leaning on him and listening. That was a picture of what home feels like. The doctor called us in, it was only me and mum due to the covid restrictions. Doctor said "Not so good news, there's a tumour in the brain. It has spread there this time." The few seconds of silence that came after... was one of the worst feeling ever in my life. Worst ever.
The months that came after was surgery after surgery, hope and then sadness, and then some hope again. I'm thankful for a partner who stayed so close by my side. Being the only one who saw me cry, who saw me lose all the strength in me, and yet picked me up and told me he'll be there while I fight this with mum.
Mummy was the strongest through this all. She drove us to her appointments, until she couldnt. She prepared meals for the family, until she couldn't. Through the 11 months before she passed, I saw the light in her eyes go out. This woman who kept her family and all the cousins so close and grounded, the one that cousins went to her for advice, the woman that was so active it made me smile. She was someone with more social activities than me lol.
I'm thankful for covid, that I had so much time to be with her everyday, we spoke so much during meals about people, about life, about work. I knew I had to treasure them, I just didn't know it was going to be so fast.
Towards the end, I went to the columbarium where eldest bro was. I asked if this was the right decision - to go for one more treatment, or to just give up. It was a sign of 'go for it'. I should have known that bro knew it was time for mum to go to him.
The moment before she passed, when I had to inject morphines to keep her breathing, to feed her water to keep her from dehydrating, while my caregiver held my hand to tell me that she wasn't breathing anymore.
I never knew I could do that without crying. It was just action after action, practical tasks one after another, to keep my mother from dying. When she passed, everyone was by her side. It was the saddest scene yet the most heartening. Family, relatives, her best friend. She was surrounded by all. I guess that's what people mean when they say how you lived is how you pass.
She lived her best life with love for everyone, and thats what everyone showed her in return.
Everyone sat at the living room while people took turns going in/out of the room.
It wasn't a sad scene at the living room though. My aunts and cousins were busy buying food for everyone, making coffee, making everyone feel at home, chit chatting. Everyone stayed till the end when the caretakers took mum away, and we all went for a dinner after.
I saw Family, humanity, love that day. So much of it. This has been the longest post ever. I'm glad I can get all my thoughts out. Sometimes I go past a place or revisit a certain memory, I still feel Mum. Mummy will be my best friend forever. I'm thankful I managed to travel with her and create so much memories.
Dear Mummy, I'll see you again. Thank you for taking care of me, of us. You have done enough for everyone, it's time you rest :)