Lauren.
My Dilemma.
I want to make it clear what I think, right now. I know it's hard to be 100% consistent in conversation, so here is my well thought out perspective written in a permanent format. All of these thoughts are subject to change, so keep that in mind.
Lauren, I love you so much, and I can't imagine my life without you. I know that I have hurt you a lot. I know that I have made you really happy in the year and a half I have known you! I am glad that we met and dated. The one thing I have never understood is why you left me for Eddie. It is the single meanest thing that I have ever had done to me. I have forgiven you, but I have not forgotten and that has been my downfall. I apologize for the ridiculous shit I have done. My hope is to develop enough trust for you again. I fear that it will never happen. As I look back I can honestly tell you that almost every time we have quarreled it has been a result of you having some degree of involvement with Eddie. It hurts me to this day to think that I placed so much trust in you that I would allow you to meet with Eddie in person with me in your room to talk closure, and you turned around and essentially left me. It crushed me. It was a reflection of your respect for me, a reflection of the kind of person you are, it displayed what you are capable of and it hurt me. What I need to do is determine if I can really believe that you have changed yourself enough to never do that to me again. I hope you understand my reservation. Given the facts... You did say, in December, that you didn't know what you would do if Eddie ever finally divorced his wife. You keep telling me that you don't know what you want. You keep telling giving me this line about finding yourself.
I want you to know that what I just said doesn't mean that I believe that necessarily. When we started dating I put you on a pedestal. I believed you, I trusted you, I placed my heart in your hands, I loved, cared and thought the world of you. I'm not saying that I don't feel the same things, it's just at a different level. You know for a fact that I would drop anything, any second just to help you. I would go way out of my way to do anything that would make you happier.
I know that you are probably thinking right now that I have absolutely no trust in you anymore and it's probably impossible for that to change. You have already let it be known that I haven't really gotten over the Eddie thing in 9 months. I get that. This is more about handling my problems in a better fashion. I love you Lauren and I could see myself married to you. I thought about proposing to you at Disney World, but you began doubting me, and you were calling Eddie all the time. I apologize for what happened there, but don't get me wrong; that is how you the whole thing started when you left me for him in the first place: you calling him. That is why I got so mad. This is a lot to divulge. I know. I understand. Believe me, I know what I have done to you and I know that you have your own trust problems with me. I know that you are hurt and scared of what might come of this.
I feel like the culprit, however indirectly, here is Eddie. He is the soul person (piece of shit) that has driven us apart. Even though we have other problems that cause distrust, he is the reason I have decided to question you initially.
I need to figure out out whether I can do this. I know I want to be with you. I know that I love who you are and most everything about you. This relationship is perfect gone sour tarnished by distrust.
Lauren. I need time to figure this out. I need you to support me through this. I am going to remain exclusive to you because I know that you are the one that I want. Why would I want to make out with someone else? I know I don't need that. What I need is to figure out what I can do to get US back on the fast track for success. I want to know whether or not you can believe in me enough to want this. I also want to know your side of the story.
You put up that away message that says, "The only people you need in your life are those who need you in theirs." I think about that all the time and I know its true. When we are apart I still want to be with you. Even when we fight I want to be around you. When im in the room with you I still get butterflies. I have no reason to want to move on. I have every reason to try. Please keep an open mind. I don't want you making any conclusions with this, except that you want to try.
I love you, lil chicken.
I want to make it clear what I think, right now. I know it's hard to be 100% consistent in conversation, so here is my well thought out perspective written in a permanent format. All of these thoughts are subject to change, so keep that in mind.
Lauren, I love you so much, and I can't imagine my life without you. I know that I have hurt you a lot. I know that I have made you really happy in the year and a half I have known you! I am glad that we met and dated. The one thing I have never understood is why you left me for Eddie. It is the single meanest thing that I have ever had done to me. I have forgiven you, but I have not forgotten and that has been my downfall. I apologize for the ridiculous shit I have done. My hope is to develop enough trust for you again. I fear that it will never happen. As I look back I can honestly tell you that almost every time we have quarreled it has been a result of you having some degree of involvement with Eddie. It hurts me to this day to think that I placed so much trust in you that I would allow you to meet with Eddie in person with me in your room to talk closure, and you turned around and essentially left me. It crushed me. It was a reflection of your respect for me, a reflection of the kind of person you are, it displayed what you are capable of and it hurt me. What I need to do is determine if I can really believe that you have changed yourself enough to never do that to me again. I hope you understand my reservation. Given the facts... You did say, in December, that you didn't know what you would do if Eddie ever finally divorced his wife. You keep telling me that you don't know what you want. You keep telling giving me this line about finding yourself.
I want you to know that what I just said doesn't mean that I believe that necessarily. When we started dating I put you on a pedestal. I believed you, I trusted you, I placed my heart in your hands, I loved, cared and thought the world of you. I'm not saying that I don't feel the same things, it's just at a different level. You know for a fact that I would drop anything, any second just to help you. I would go way out of my way to do anything that would make you happier.
I know that you are probably thinking right now that I have absolutely no trust in you anymore and it's probably impossible for that to change. You have already let it be known that I haven't really gotten over the Eddie thing in 9 months. I get that. This is more about handling my problems in a better fashion. I love you Lauren and I could see myself married to you. I thought about proposing to you at Disney World, but you began doubting me, and you were calling Eddie all the time. I apologize for what happened there, but don't get me wrong; that is how you the whole thing started when you left me for him in the first place: you calling him. That is why I got so mad. This is a lot to divulge. I know. I understand. Believe me, I know what I have done to you and I know that you have your own trust problems with me. I know that you are hurt and scared of what might come of this.
I feel like the culprit, however indirectly, here is Eddie. He is the soul person (piece of shit) that has driven us apart. Even though we have other problems that cause distrust, he is the reason I have decided to question you initially.
I need to figure out out whether I can do this. I know I want to be with you. I know that I love who you are and most everything about you. This relationship is perfect gone sour tarnished by distrust.
Lauren. I need time to figure this out. I need you to support me through this. I am going to remain exclusive to you because I know that you are the one that I want. Why would I want to make out with someone else? I know I don't need that. What I need is to figure out what I can do to get US back on the fast track for success. I want to know whether or not you can believe in me enough to want this. I also want to know your side of the story.
You put up that away message that says, "The only people you need in your life are those who need you in theirs." I think about that all the time and I know its true. When we are apart I still want to be with you. Even when we fight I want to be around you. When im in the room with you I still get butterflies. I have no reason to want to move on. I have every reason to try. Please keep an open mind. I don't want you making any conclusions with this, except that you want to try.
I love you, lil chicken.